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There’s an anecdote I like a lot. A journalist interviewing a Great & Lauded writer asks, “But would you kill your own mother to write a great novel?”

“Oh, of course!” the writer says. “What’s the death of one little old lady compared to War & Peace?”

(I don’t remember the name of the writer, and I don’t remember the name of the novel. But you get the gist.)

###

After the swans dropped Truman Capote, he became deeply depressed. On the very deepest level, he couldn’t wrap his mind around their defection. “What did they expect?” he lamented. “I’m a writer, and I use everything. Did all those people think I was there just to entertain them?”

(Insert colorful fable about frog crossing Nile on back of scorpion.)

He took up with the Studio 54 crowd, where he began hanging out with Andy Warhol—a Truman Capote groupie from way back—and started drinking excessively, popping pills, & snorting cocaine.

He was dead eight years later. Liver disease. Of course. What else?

###

Esquire had only published four chapters of the allegedly completed manuscript of Answered Prayers. (And I must say, Capote had an absolute genius for titles. “Answered Prayers” was snagged from an almost certainly apocryphal quote attributed to Saint Teresa of Ávila: More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones.)

So where was the rest of the manuscript?

People who knew Capote well were evenly divided between those who thought the whole thing was a kind of scam, that after In Cold Blood, Capote suffered from terminal writer’s block, and that the excerpts’ inelegant prose was far more embarrassing than any revelation that CBS President Bill Paley had fucked Happy Rockefeller while she was having her period; and those who believed the Answered Prayers manuscript existed.

No trace of the manuscript was ever found in Capote’s cluttered U.N. Plaza apartment or in his Sagaponack summmer cottage.

Some bits have been discovered among the papers in the Capote archives (now the property of the NY Public Library.)

And in 1984, shortly after he arrived in California to die, Capote handed his hostess Joanna Carson the key to a safety deposit box—-It’s all in there. Only he neglected to tell Carson where the safety deposit box was.

There’s a really great movie waiting to be made about the high jinx that ensue after some poor schmucky bank clerk stumbles across Answered Prayers in some routine, once-every-century check of the Holcomb, Kansas safety deposit boxes.

###

My old Tai Kwon Do instructor and occasional lover Erica once said to me, Confession is a form of self-indulgence.

(Erica was always making fabulous oracular pronouncements! Once she told me Lina Wertmuller’s Swept Away was her favorite movie.

“But Erica,” I objected feebly. “That movie glorified the sexual exploitation of women! What about the scene where he makes her crawl to him and says, ‘Kiss your master’s hand?’”

Erica raised her perfect eyebrows at me: “It’s quite all right to kiss your master’s hand if you know you can kick your master’s ass.”)

It’s pretty simple, really: If you don’t want your secrets to be known, don’t tell them to anyone.

At least, don’t tell them to anybody with whom you don’t share some kind of client-professional privilege.

Especially, don’t tell your secrets to a writer!

I don’t want anybody telling their secrets to me!

Although, I will note that any time anyone tells me, I do not want you to write about this, I do not write about it. Even though that kabashes some absolutely killer material.

###

Notwithstanding the hideous prose scrapple that is the published portions of Answered Prayers, my opinion of Capote as a writer remains high.

Capote always referred to himself as a stylist, but unlike most writers, he didn’t have one single style. Style was very much a tool for him. His style was whatever prose voice could best support the underlying theme of the piece he was working on.

Thus Other Voices, Other Rooms, a moving coming-of-age story, is almost Oscar Wildian in its purple plushness.

Short stories like Miriam and Breakfast at Tiffany’s read very differently from one another. Tiffany’s is chatty; Miriam could be a story by Walter de la Mare. Capote was genius at creating completely self-contained universes.

###

And In Cold Blood is an absolute masterpiece—not the least because Capote unflinchingly describes the very strange relationship that developed between him and one of the murderers, Perry Smith. Thus, the “cold blood” of the title can refer equally to the killers’ state of mind when they slaughter the Clutter family or to Capote’s state of mind as he charms, wheedles, & extorts increasingly incriminating details out of Smith.

Capote told friends his book could never be complete unless he got to witness the execution of the two murderers with his own two eyes.

But as it turned out, he didn’t.

Perry Smith and Dick Hickock were slated to be hanged.

Somehow, Capote managed to wrangle an invitation to the hanging, and Hickcock & Smith wanted to spend the night before the execution hanging—-yuk, yuk, yuk——out with Capote.

Initially, Capote agreed to the all-nighter, but when the time came, he couldn’t do it. I picture Capote spending the night before the execution throwing up in one of the Muehlebach Hotel’s wastepaper baskets. (Finest hotel in Lansing, Kansas, the Muehlebach!)

Hickock and Smith were executed one hour apart, Hickcock first.

Capote watched that one.

But when it came time for Smith to be hanged, Capote ran straight out of the building. He couldn’t bear to watch it. Word on the street was that Capote & Smith had somehow contrived to become lovers while Capote was interviewing Smith in the penitentiary.

###

Capote must have known what the reaction would be to Answered Prayers’ publication. So maybe he published those chapters to punish himself? Because his heart whispered he’d betrayed Perry Smith? The character Jones—who’s writing a novel called Answered Prayers in the novel Answered Prayersis said by many of Capote’s intimates to have been based on Perry Smith.

Hearts! They’re an inconvenient thing to have. When you’re a writer.
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If I weren’t so obsessed with finishing the current Remunerative Project, I would drive up to Hudson today where various Joan Didion artifacts are on display, waiting to be auctioned.

You can sit at Joan Didion’s desk!

You can pound out The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog on Joan Didion’s own IBM Wheelwriter 5 Selectric!

And when you do, all Joan Didion’s writerly mana will be magically transferred to yew-w-w-w-w-w-w!

Unfortunately, though, I have now become obsessive about finishing this Remunerative Project.

Not that becoming obsessive helps me complete it any faster, you understand.

Since most of my obsessing takes place while I’m in the shower, or while I’m tromping, or while I’m eating, when I’m seized with a terrible feeling of guilt and think, Slacker! If you weren’t such a lazy cow, you’d forget about tending to the puny needs of your slave body!!! You’d dedicate every waking moment to Remunerating!!!

This is the real problem with working at home.

There are no clear boundaries between work and what we laughingly refer to as “real” life.

###

For some reason I picked up one of the old paper journals that live under the bed like the bad monster in some little kid’s terrified imagination.

In the spring of 1984, I was conducting an affair with someone named Kevin.

I cannot remember Kevin!

And yet, there he was! Page after page after page! Kevin said this. Kevin looked at me in that special way that could only mean…

Who the fuck was Kevin?

‘Cause, I mean, I picked my memory up and shook it like an old coat, hoping for quarters to scatter from the pockets.

Nope. No quarters.

No Kevin.

###

Also, I stumbled across a bunch of photos of Erica.



Erica was one of the two most fabulously successful femmes fatales I’ve known over the course of my lifetime. (The other is my erstwhile boss Maria.)

She was my Tai Kwon Do instructor for five years or so. We slept together occasionally without strong emotion on either side.

I didn’t like the way she kissed, like a bird taking innumerable tiny sips from a fountain. Also, her skin was very dry.

But it was a prestige gig since dozens of men were constantly swooning over her. I guess it was the blonde hair, the appraising blue eyes, the aloofness, the impeccable preppy wardrobe.

Erica’s third husband was ___ _______, a physician and a very famous mountaineer who was the doctor on the ill-fated 1963 American Mt. Everest expedition. I met Jon Krakauer at ___’s funeral.

After that, I think Erica became Mr. ______ _________’s mistress—he being the billionaire _______ ____ who bankrolled all of Senator _________’s political campaigns.

I think—but I don’t know.

Because Erica never divulged the slightest details about her private life.

“Confession is a form of self-indulgence,” she told me once when I was ranting and raving to her about something, her lip curling upward with the slightest hint of disdain.

Maybe I was ranting and raving about Kevin.
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Whole covey of robins this morning, three or four or five of them, doing their little one-legged jigs on the jagged ledges of filthy ice that line Church Street outside the Purple House. Harbingers, yes? Though that seems almost impossible to imagine. It was three degrees when I walked to work this morning, so cold that I actually developed a sinus headache by the time I got into the office. And there's supposed to be another big snowstorm on Sunday.

I dreamed of Erica last night. She was giving me advice. Something, by the way, she would never deign to do in Real Life because advice, in the Erica-verse, is gratuitous: You either learn by example or not at all.

Erica, I see now, was a strategist from Day 1. She parlayed her beauty and intelligence far more successfully than I was ever able to parlay mine -- I suspect because we had different goals. Erica always knew she wanted a particular level of material affluence that would allow her to be in control; whereas "control" is kind of a dirty word for me: On some very deep level, I prefer to float in the currents. I've never really aspired to a life more luxurious than the one I had as a graduate student.

In other words, I'm a fatalist. Erica's not.

In the dream, Erica was counseling me about a situation I'm now in that I could probably manipulate to considerable advantage -- except I hate manipulating things.

"You've been in retrograde long enough, Patrizia," Erica said -- not unkindly. "Time to start moving forward again."

"Well, yeah," I said. "Totally. I need to move forward. I just don't know whether I want to move forward in that particular direction."

"But that's the direction this one-up goes," Erica told me. We were sitting upstairs in the balcony at the Cafe Med, and she was peering downstairs at people in the coffee line. Losing interest in me.

When I woke up, I had to look up the term "one-up" since I don't actually know what it means. Turns out to be that totem object in a video game that increases a player's lives by one.

Right
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In an incredibly lyrical and moving eulogy for her brother Steve Jobs, the novelist Mona Simpson writes, We all — in the end — die in medias res.

His last words? OH WOW, OH WOW, OH WOW.

What did he see?

Many people describe their near death experiences as a slipstream voyage through a luminous tunnel with some kind of turnstile they weren’t gonna make it through (this time at least) on the other side of which clustered everyone they have ever known and ever loved.

Marybeth, one of two people I actually know who almost died once, described her near death experience as standing on one bank of a vast river and looking across: Her dearly beloved were standing on the other side, dwarfed and blue from distance and perspective, waving at her.

Ben’s mother, Nancy, also came close to dying when she was in her 40s. She didn’t see anything.

What happens physiologically when you’re close to death? Well, your blood gets acidic because you’re oxygen deprived. If low pH is the cause of all those visions though you’d expect diabetics suffering from ketoacidosis to report the same kind of visualizations and as far as I know, they don’t.

“I’m scared,” my mother told me as she lay dying.

I stroked her hair. “It is scary,” I said. “You’re crossing the river. It’s a great broad river. Can you see it?”

She looked startled. “Yes,” she said.

Well, I figured it had to be a river because Marybeth said it was a river and Marybeth is seldom wrong about those kinds of things.

My mother wasn’t dying fast enough for my taste. I’d been sitting by her bedside for over 24 hours, not quite uninterruptedly – I took bathroom breaks, I made coffee and drank it – but this whole dying thing was turning into a bit of an anticlimax. She wasn’t even Cheynes-Stoking, her breathing was soft and regular. She lay there in her white nightgown with her hair spread around her, looking like a veritable Lady of Shallot – all she lacked was a calla lily to hold in her loosely clutched hands. The process of dying was making her look younger somehow, her skin was translucent and it seemed almost to glow.

I figured she would go on like this for days so I left. I wanted to drive back down to Monterey, check in on my kids, sleep in my own bed for a few minutes.

Twenty minutes later I got The Phone Call.

At first I was terribly angry. I was so prepared to be the dutiful daughter! But she wouldn’t even let me do that!

It wasn’t until yeas later that I realized, No, of course she couldn’t die with you in the room! You were her tie to the living. And you were too strong – you wouldn’t let her go.

###


We dodged the bullet on the Big Snowstorm It sidled in 100 miles to the east and left us alone. It’s been cold, but of course nowhere near as cold as it’s going to get. I suppose it’s my imagination but the chill in the air seems to magnify resolution – I feel as though I can see for miles and miles and miles.

I carved pumpkins, stuck votive candles in them. Handed out candy. Personally I seem to be on another one of my anorexic binges. On Sunday, I had horrible stomach pains. I couldn’t figure out what they were until finally it dawned on me: Oh, of course! They’re hunger pains! I literally hadn’t eaten for two days. When RTT’s at his dad’s I tend not to eat. It’s nothing conscious. I’m certainly not obsessive about my appearance. Eating just seems like a colossal drag.

Probably should start riding my bike again even though it’s cold. Throughout the summer I was riding a minimum of 16 miles a day, and the exercise fastened my spirit to my body somehow. I was better about eating and sleeping on a schedule.

###


Dreamed about Erica last night. Though I don’t usually dream about my own life or people I actually know, there are two great exceptions to that rule: I dream a lot about Barbara Angell and I dream a lot about Erica. They’re both archetypes for me.

Erica was my tai kwon do instructor. Gorgeous, blonde, imperturbable. She married up through an interesting series of husbands and eventually ended up as the mistress to a billionaire who has serious political connections. We were lovers back in the days when I was sexually adventurous, but our rhythms were always very different – she kisses like a flitting hummingbird, I kiss like a slowly opening flower. You can deduce what you like from those descriptions. Also her skin was kind of dry and no amount of emollient seemed to soften it up. This meant it was really hard to tell when she was excited – she didn’t seem to lubricate very much, so you had to go by flush and enlargement. Technical details! But I digress.

In the dream, Erica and I were going scuba diving together. She was wearing a very sexy neoprene wet suit; I was wearing a very dowdy looking one-piece bathing suit. I can’t scuba dive, of course, so I was wondering how I was going to go about faking the ability effectively – a lot seemed to ride on that.

“The EU’s going to fall apart,” Erica told me. “Economies of scale don’t work when it comes to nations. Western Europe should have stuck to a smaller, more exclusive economic alliance.”

When?” I asked.

“January 2012. When that happens, the Depression becomes official.”

Yes, I do have dreams like this! A lot of dreams like this! The predictions are seldom if ever correct, however.

“Followed by a world war,” Erica added dreamily – but by then I was waking up. Pitch black though it was 6:30am. I hate waking up in the dark unless it’s three in the morning! Struggled out of bed, shuffled into the kitchen – coffee and breakfast for RTT, coffee for me. Long list of Must Do’s to accomplish today. But the dream left me in the realm of gloom and doom. Understandably.
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I do like this photo. So... vaginal, as if he's sliding down the birth canal, fully formed and all grown up.

Max turns 24 today. Happy birthday to someone whose existence is a gift to the world, and sure I'm his mother, but you know what? It happens to be true

###


When I say, “I’ve done nothing all day,” I mean that literally. I was housebound due to the storm which dropped about eight inches of snow slowly and relentlessly throughout the day. No use wasting taxpayer money on snowplows till it stopped, right? Which it didn’t do till around 6pm. Upshot is that I couldn’t walk anywhere, I couldn’t drive anywhere and I got bad cabin fever.

I have a shitload of work to do. Didn’t do any of it. Instead I brooded about Erica, my tai kwon do instructor, glacial, elegant, blonde. Mistress to a famous billionaire.

At one point in my life, I could have petitioned her like a saint or a queen. “Erica,” I could have said, “Tell me what to do. I’m a wind up toy, a tin monkey beating a tin drum. I’ve hit the brick wall and I don’t know how to turn around.”

Can’t do that now though.

Until last year I would have assumed I could do it. But last year taught me my position in people’s hearts is not inviolate.

###


First part of the week was good, and then I just sort of… bottomed out. Not sure why. Some possibilities:

Wayne is moving to NYC for a job. I will miss him a lot, I realized, his astringent sensibility with that waft of green apples. The endless movie deconstructions. The jokes.

It’s back to the well on the dating and romance thing, assuming I even want to continue the dating and romance thing. Haven’t talked to the philosophy professor since Valentine’s Day. We had a pleasant time but I haven’t felt the urge to call him since and apparently neither has he. This whole Internet dating just feels wrong, wrong, wrong. Why can’t I meet people the way I used to, by drifting into the periphery of their lives in a cloud of casual acquaintance? Then one day you exchange quips and you think, Damn! This person is interesting. You follow up and before you know it, bam! you're in like or in love.

Had an unfortunate – well. I wouldn’t exactly call it a romantic encounter though I’d found the guy attractive. Until he said something so utterly boorish and insensitive to me that the scales fell from my eyes. Huh! I’m invisible to him, I’m a walking, talking Kleenex. Bud nipped – snip! Emotions weren’t hurt but my vanity sustained a slight owie -- not an entirely a bad thing, of course.

None of these three things in themselves, or even cumulatively, would have made me feel this bad. I think the mood had more to do with the fact that all week long I’ve been avoiding doing any kind of meaningful work. Fucking off like this is gonna bite me in the ass sooner or later. I should care – but it’s a kind of drifty, dreamy fatalism and passivity. I’m floating towards that maelstrom. Erica could help me plot an escape, but she's unavailable. I suppose I should learn to channel my inner Erica, like Giulietta Massina summoning Susie in Giulietta degli Spiriti...

Ima hafta shovel a shitload of snow first thing in the morning. Sigh...
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Right off the bat you understand why he’s had all those women troubles: he chews gum obsessively (behavior the late Dr. Freud would label oral compulsive,) he’s extremely personable and very attractive. My height – about 5’11". Trim, tanned, thick white hair. Youthful, unlined face. Has he had work done? If so, it was very good work. I have no idea whether he prefers Trident Sugarless or Juicy Fruit.

Anyway my dinner with Bill Clinton was the piece de resistance to a couple of weeks that were waaaay too action-packed and hectic. I say "my dinner" but of course, it was also a thousand other people’s dinner with this caveat – they paid for it, I did not. Friends in high places are always good for a free meal.

Well. Not exactly free. I was drafted to do celebrity wrangling, a skill I acquired during my time in the trenches as an entertainment reporter. A kind of residual for all those pieces that started out "You could tell by the way Drew Barrymore applied her gloss counterclockwise across her lush, pillowsome lips that Succubus is a movie that’s close to her heart," drawn from spending exactly ten seconds in a hotel room with the actress in the midst of an ever increasingly hysterical press junket.

The Anecdote Embargo had snagged Bill sans his customary $150,000 speakers fee because XXXX is married to XXXX. Clinton’s people confirmed the gig three weeks beforehand. It’s tough to pull of an event of this magnitude in three weeks. There were two tiers of attendees, ordinary people who’d cashed in their laundry quarters and very rich people who ponied up $10,000 apiece for five full seconds of Best Friendship with the ex-prez. Here’s what $10,000 will buy you: A long, lingering look. A smile. A clasp of actual former executive flesh. An 8 by 10 glossy photograph of you and Bill laughing together at some private joke, to display proudly in the public venue of your choice.

Of course it was a mob scene up to the moment when he actually arrived at the Fairmont, two hours late. I worked the Pavilion Room. I’d busted a zipper so I waddled around channeling my own inner Crazy Jane with several safety pins holding my black silk suit trousers to my panties, reassuring the rich who grew either increasingly frantic or petulant according to their Meyer Briggs profile. The frantic ones asked, "Will I miss him if I slip out to pee?" The petulant ones ordered another round of vodka martinis. Among the petulant was the actress XXX who is an amazingly beautiful woman even if she is the poster child for SBP (Serious Bitch Potential.) Early on in my entertainment reporter career, I had occasion to interview Julia Roberts. Julia Roberts in person looks exactly like a ferret. Twitchy, bony face. Kind of bug-eyed. I have no idea why the camera loves her so much. In contrast, XXX is one of those dazzling beauties whom the camera kind of blands out.

XXX was sulking ostentatiously on the sidelines with the new boytoy – a kind of chinless, Italianate fop. Other people I recognized included XXX – up close he’s a homelier version of Chris Isaak – XXX in the kind of ill-fitting brown suit they warn you never to wear to job interviews, and XXX who is a particular heroine of mine, and thus was the only celebrity I felt moved to go up to and gush over.

To be continued if I can ever find the time…

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