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Whaddiya know? I'm not sore at all this morning except for some tightness in the tendons behind my knees. I maintained crouching tiger stance the whole time I was shoveling 'cause you know, ergonomics. I guess I need to do more squat thrusts.

###

Finished Schlock customer training. I start showing up in their office this coming Monday.

I'm not sure Schlock makes much revenue off the financial products we're supposed to hawk so relentlessly to unwitting clients desperate to square their tax statuses with the IRS. I guess that puts Schlock a notch above, say, check-cashing operators & payday loan providers, the carrion eaters in the predatory foodchain that feeds upon American poverty. Their customer base is not the wretchedly destitute but the struggling poor.

Schlock offers refund advances, various types of loans that use your refund as collateral, & debit cards for individuals whom various life circumstances have conspired to make wary of banks. These products are the nectar in the Venus flytrap's hairy sack: Once you wander close enough to sip, it is very difficult to extricate yourself, so you will wander back year after year after year to be overcharged on yr taxes. They're retention mechanisms, in other words!

Would love to do some serious muck-raking here á la Barbara Ehrenreich (Nickel & Dimed) or Jessica Mitford (The American Way of Death). Taxes and the whole tax industry are deeply interesting; this is why tragic genius David Foster Wallace was working on a novel about the IRS before he ambled off one bright autumn day to hang himself on his back porch.

I'm fairly certain, though, that amidst the contractual verbiage that I scrolled past & signed without bothering to read was some sort of NDA. Ah, well! It's not as though I don't have a dozen other writing projects on my plate.

Must remember to get manicure!

I know from experience that tax clients stare at the hands that are entering their financial data!



Speaking of Jessica Mitford, I am currently reading Carla Kaplan's Troublemaker: The Fierce, Unruly Life of Jessica Mitford.

Jessica Mitford is a particular heroine of mine. Partly because I find the Mitford sisters utterly fascinating, and partly because she lived in my old North Oakland nabe, but mostly because she is an utterly hilarious writer whose critiques invite you to find the absurdity in the seriously objectionable. For me at least, it's easier to reject something because it's ridiculous than because it's morally reprehensible.

I met her once.

I was invited over to the Rockridge house by her son Benji's then wife. Some kind of coffee klatch. It would have been the mid-70s. What the pretext was, what the wife's name was, I can no longer remember. What I do remember is Decca, with her regal demeanor and air of perpetual bemusement, sweeping down the stairs in a shabby bathrobe. And I remember Decca's voice. Think Maggie Smith in Downton Abbey.

She joined us in the living room, waved her china coffee cup about and chatted away. Whatever was in the coffee cup had been liberally doused with what smelled like bourbon. I had no idea who she was, but I was enchanted.

Years later, she wrote me a charming postcard after I reviewed her book The American Way of Birth for The Whole Earth Review.



Years later still, when I became a Mitford fan-girl, I realized Decca was easily the most tragic of the sisters. She inhabited her droll, acerbic persona so thoroughly & magnificently that it was easy not to look beyond it.

First husband, the quixotic Esmond Romilly, with whom she ran off to the Spanish Civil War at age 19, was lost at sea flying home from a bombing raid of Nazi Germany. First child, Julia, died of measles at the age of four months; first son, Nicholas died at age 10 when his bike was hit by a bus while he was doing his paper route.

Esmond & Julia only got footnotes in Decca's memoir Hons & Rebels.

And she could never, ever bear to speak of Nicholas.

Years later, she wrote in a letter to someone, "What it boils down to is putting one’s feelings on a special plane; most unwise, if you come to think of it. Because the bitter but true fact is that the only person who cares about one’s own feelings is ONE." One of my favorite quotes of all time.

You can only deduce the immensity of Jessica Mitford's pain by her steadfast refusal to acknowledge it. That no-whinging-allowed credo, of course, was part of her indoctrination as a blood member of Britain's aristocratic class. As was a certain airy disregard for the feelings of the laboring classes that survived her membership in the Communist party and immersion in America's civil rights struggle.

It is very difficult indeed to deduce the existence of something by its complete absence from the official record.

Still. I think I would be enjoying this biography more had its author intuited its subject's tragic essence.

Portals

Dec. 28th, 2025 10:57 am
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I read approximately 2 million pages of tax code yesterday. Only 998 million pages to go!

Truth be told, I don't want to read tax code! I don't want to do anything but sit on my fainting couch with my eyes slightly unfocused, thinking strange, dreamy thoughts. It's not as though this coming week is real time anyway, right? The week between Christmas and New Year's is an interstice, kinda like the one between the last chime of midnight & the beginning of a new calendar day. A portal, in other words.

###

Also, played a bit with the Work in Progress. I am writing now about a hospital during the COVID pandemic. I wasn't a nurse during the COVID pandemic, so this is something I know very little about. My imagination is getting a workout. And it's flabby!

Simultaneously, I'm trying to sneak in the Jesus cult. And when I say "sneak," I mean position it under the radar so that when Grazia joins, the reader is surprised—even though all the evidence is there.

Next scene is a telephone call between Neal & Grazia. Of course, they have to banter amusingly. It's surprisingly difficult to write amusing banter off the top of one's head. The call has to include some Mimi backstory, too. Mimi's narrative is breadcrumbs strewn throughout the rest of the novel; she is not one of the main characters. But in the third part of the book (Flavia's POV), Mimi is going to try to kill herself, and that needs to be set up.
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What happens when one feels humiliated & ashamed is that one loses the narrative thread of one's own life.

Because how can what happens to you be at all important?

You're an idiot!!!

And idiots don't deserve to have stories.

Serious recalibration is called for.

###

Anyhoo, the storm was dramatic but only dropped four inches of snow. While I watched the snow fall, I baked banana bread & prepared a complicated chicken Florentine dish. (See? I can cook! I just choose not to most of the time.)

All I wanted to do was read & watch mindless television, but no could do because I have approximately 1 billion pages of the U.S. tax code to memorize, plus all the usual Remuneration.

Betsy invited me to spend a weekend at her fabulous house in Westchester County.

Real-life Daria invited me to spend the winter at her house in California. She wants to give Brian's car to her son, but I suspect she has not thought that one through because she's also on the verge of trading in 30 years of freelance teaching & translation for a real job with benefits & security & everything, but also with only two weeks of mandated vacation per year—is she really gonna want to spend that precious two weeks transporting a car from New York to California?

If she does, we are chatting about me driving with her. Road trip! That would be mid-April.

If she doesn't, then I end up with Brian's car.

###

Somewhere around then, too, I must mastermind my own next move.

I've been going back and forth between whether I should relocate to Ithaca or back to Dutchess County.

Dutchess County has the advantage of being a short train ride away from New York City where I would very much like to spend more time. And I have pals in the area.

I know more people in Ithaca, though. Plus RTT is there. If last week's unfortunate mishap is any kind of foreshadowing of how I can expect my dotage to transpire, it would be best to be around family members upon whom I can endlessly presume.

###

I haven't gone near the Work in Progress in a couple of weeks.

I'm thinking I should start Chapter 4 today.

A large chunk of it takes place in a small-ish community hospital during COVID.

But I don't know anything about how small-ish community hospitals operated during COVID. And I'm not sure how to track that information down.

I guess I'm just gonna have to make it up.

Quotidian

Nov. 16th, 2025 08:02 am
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Shortly, I must toddle off to wildest, wooliest Walker Valley because twice a year, the Shawangunk Dems volunteer to pick up garbage along Highway 52.

I am not looking forward to it: Evidently, I wore the wrong shoes tromping yesterday because I woke up in the middle of the night with shin splints and am insufficiently rested this morning.

Beyond that, naught much to report.

I Remunerated (though, of course, never enough.)

I started reading The Great Believers, an epic novel about the AIDS pandemic. The novel is excellent and, moreover, written in a style that is so outside my personal stylebook, I won't find myself unconsciously plagiarizing from it. (That is an issue for me. Even in my dotage, I have an excellent memory for words, and quite often, I can't remember whether I wrote a sentence, or somebody else did.)

In the evening, I went vox with Ichabod who is getting a promotion in the PD universe which will allow him to defend people facing life sentences. The promotion comes with a hefty raise!

And for once, the kiskas are getting along and acting adorable.
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There is one good thing about this time of year: I sleep more deeply & I dream more vividly. Like last night, I dreamed I had developed a forecasting tool based on Daily Mail headlines. Each day is a number based on a ratio derived from the number of headlines devoted to each topic. A typical ratio might read:

Meghan Markle (5) : Donald Trump (4): Cosmetic Surgery Nightmares (3): Toddlers Dying in Parked Cars (2): Ozempic Horror Stories (11) = Daily index of 0.189.

Which means a pretty good day! Only 11 Gazans will die; Trump will only collapse three times off camera, coming down those passenger airstairs, and the New York Giants will beat the Kansas City Chiefs.

That's a pretty good idea! I thought when I woke up.

###

Other than that, I did very little but Remunerate yesterday.

My mood is still perky from socializing & accomplishing writing goals so I didn't feel particularly oppressed by Remunerating, although naturally I wish it were more like automatic writing, or that a $50,000 bill would waft down from Heaven, or that the MacArthur Foundation folk would stumble across my diary & realize what a great genius I am.

###

Chapter 4 of the Work in Progress begins with a description of how lame the backwater community hospital is dealing with COVID patients. I haven't been an RN since 1992, and I have no idea what a non-lame way of dealing with COVID patients might be. So, I have emails & texts in to all my medical pals:

How many ventilators they would have. Would they have an ECMO machine? Would they have (or need) access to dialysis? They WOULDN'T have a negative pressure room, right? So what might their isolation precautions look like? How might they handle something like the ER waiting room? Would they make people wait outside in their cars & then just call them in one at a time?

I guess they call that research.

Fun

Oct. 10th, 2025 08:53 am
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First frost! The grass around the house was silvery & crunchy as the morning broke. I am thinking this is it: Autumn Intractable. Resolute! Immutable! No more hot weather holidays. (It was close to 90° F just five days ago.)

###

I finished a Remuneration project. Shipped it off to the client. Billed it—which means I will spend the next five days in a state of hysteria: But what if they don't pay me? what if the kiskas & I are forced to move into the refrigerator box beneath the bridge???? Such paranoia is the bane of the freelancer's life.

###

Then I went to the upscale supermarket.

There was a particular treat I loved as a little girl: stewed dried fruit. I hadn't thought of it in years, but for some reason, I thought of it yesterday, and went hunting around for dried apricots, dried peaches, dried pears. They don't sell those things in one convenient package anymore—& I was hit by my foolish naivete: I mean, of course, there will be trends in food! There are trends in everything else! And as an old person, I am now on the wrong side of all of them.

###

In the evening, I played around with the Shawangunk Dems' website. It's on Squarespace, a popular website building/hosting company that I'm not crazy about.

Back in the days of HTML & CSS, I was fairly proficient at building websites—not great, but better than okay. The switch to using a template-based interface like Squarespace is a bit like driving an automatic transmission when you're used to manual. In some ways, it's easier, but in some ways, it's not, plus you have much less control.

I didn't bother to read any manuals. I just rolled up my sleeves and plunged straight into the backend. One real problem with Squarespace is that it doesn't have a preview mode. All the mistakes you're making, you're making in real time where the whole world can see! That means you have to figure out how to correct those mistakes right away! I was up past midnight.

It was fun the same way working out a complicated organic chemistry problem is fun. (You have ethanol and every catalyst known to man. Synthesize isobutyronitrile...) Or preparing a complicated tax return is fun. (Noah, a U.S. citizen, is also a digital nomad and a business owner. He is in the midst of a divorce from Imane, a Saudi Arabian national. His children, Homer and Lisa, are joint nationals...) Or interpreting the Torah or Upanishads is fun.

And, yes, those things are fun for me.

The Crane

Oct. 9th, 2025 09:26 am
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There was a crane standing in back of the house yesterday. (Avian, not construction).

A crane!!!!

I'd never seen one before, and of course, I did not have my phone on me to snap a pic.

Sandhill crane, I think, though it could fly—and did when Icky scared it off. He was afraid it was stalking the young chickens.

Are crane sightings good luck or bad luck?

I can't remember.

###

Another thing I couldn't remember...

After I cranked out 2,000 words of Remuneration, I went tromping on the railroad trail. On the railroad trail, I was accosted by a beautiful woman who smiled at me radiantly: "So nice to see you again! And your hair is still so beautiful!"

I smiled back, but I was thinking, Who the fuck are you?

The present tense is narrowing its beam...

###

Despite being innundated with scut work, I remained in an effortlessly happy mood all day. So maybe the crane was good luck.

Priorities

Oct. 8th, 2025 09:59 am
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Dreamed that RTT was a teenager, and we were living on some sort of campus. RTT was humiliating me in front of a dormitory of teenage boys, My mother is ____ & lobbing all sorts of other humorous insults—the other teenage boys were laughing—& I went berserk & screamed three insults at him, intending to wound him to the quick. The first insult was, And you're not very smart really. You have a derivative, follower intelligence. Can't remember the other two.

Part of me was telling the rest of me: Don't do this. Don't do this. You can't possibly outshout him & those boys. You'll only humiliate yourself further. Leave.

So, I did.

I had a vague sense of the campus building being very familiar, with long corridors & a really confusing system of elevators. It was very difficult to get out.

Outside the building, I ran into M_____ except M______ was a boy. What college are you going to? I asked M_____, and she answered, Pomona—but only because they accepted me early & offered me a full ride.

RTT, I remembered, had been accepted into something called Ambrose College. Ambrose College was decidedly second-rate. I wondered if RTT would even notice I was never going to speak to him again.

Then I was at the intersection of Lefforts & Washington Avenues in Brooklyn—the way it looked when I was a little girl. I was on my way to a babysitting appointment.

Did I stumble? Did I fall? Somehow I'd managed to drag my purse across the pavement so that it was now covered with drag marks. It had been a very expensive purse once, but nobody would ever mistake it for a luxury item again.

I had two babysitting appointments: one at 5:15, one at 7:30. It was going to be a tight squeeze, I realized. I had to optimize my movements, turn them into a kind of algorithm.

I was climbing the apartment stairs to the first appointment, wondering, Is this really the most efficient way?

It's not, I decided.

So, I ran back down the stairs.

But at the bottom of the stairs, I thought, It is. And I'd started going back up the stairs when I awoke.

###

In real life, RTT really was the most horrible of teenagers, and our battles were epic, though they never took place in front of third parties.

We're on good terms now, though, so I'm not really sure what pond this dream was dredging.

Also, it's hard to blame RTT for being a horrible teenager. As parents, Ben & I were pretty horrible ourselves. Deeply irresponsible.

###

Anyway...

Yesterday, I started Chapter 3.

I'd planned just to scribble a few plot notes, but ended up writing the first 1,000 words, even giving Icky a cameo as a fifth-string guitar-playing loser with erectile dysfunction. (That was fun!)

Chapter 3 is gonna be hard to write because I'm flying blind. It is not autobiography.

I am thinking it takes place at the hospital during the early days of COVID when Grazia is floated to one of the wards where she watches several people die in the course of one night—including one who could be her doppelganger—and experiences Existential Crisis, and runs off to a Catholic Church where she has a mental breakdown that could be God talking to her but also could be a psychotic episode.

And she calls Neal, and he takes her up to his Catskills cottage & takes care of her for a couple of days.

And she is left with faith. But not belief.

This will be a bit tricky to pull off without sounding like a Hallmark greeting card.

It would be good, too, to somehow segue into the events of the opening chapter: the sister wives on the porch after Neal's memorial.

###

The Work in Progress is my personal priority, but unfortunately, it can't be my top priority.

Money must be my top priority.

So, it's Remuneration & tax law for me today! Fortunately, it's raining, so I'm not tempted to go outside.

Overwhelmed

Oct. 3rd, 2025 09:40 am
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Two interesting news stories stand out from this morning's disastrous barrage of current events:

Trump is considering passing along a $2,000 tariff dividend to potential voters: This is both good news & bad news. Good because it suggests that there will at least be an election; bad because Americans are just dumb enough to sell themselves cheap for two grand, which means Trump or his surrogate will be reelected.

28% of Americans report that they have had some sort of romantic relationship with an AI. This puts Spike Jonez right up there with Jules Verne 'cause Jonez predicted this in the ever-so-brilliant movie Her.

###

Else? I spent yesterday plugging away at Remuneration & lambasting myself because I'm not a lean, green, statistics-analysis machine that can churn out 7,000 words a day instead of a mere 2,000.

I also have seven chapters of dense, illogical tax law mocking me.

Plus all those routine activities of daily life: brushing my teeth, washing my hair, placating the kiskas, cleaning the kiskas' litter box, exercising, cooking lentils, oatmeal, & salmon, eating lentils, oatmeal & salmon...

And, oh yeah—I'm writing a novel.

At least the All lentils, oatmeal, & salmon, all of the time! diet is cheaper than my previous grocery runs.

A few social things planned. That I won't enjoy 'cause I'm so freaked about the amount of work I have to accomplish.

Which I better get started on pronto.

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