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mallorys_cameraYesterday was not a very good day.
My ancient FitBit, for whatever reason, decided to stop synching.
My favorite beanie disappeared.
My Maximon lost his sombrero (though after half an hour of searching, I found it again.)
The Salvation Army people refused to haul away the cat tree that I'd bought for Sybyl and that she never, ever, once used. (It got snapped up two minutes after I listed it on Freecycle, but that meant I had to deal with a woman who wanted to tell me all about her PTSD and that I only managed to get rid of by literally shoving her—and the cat tree!—out the door.)
In the evening, RTT had one of his rare reach-out-to-Mom moments because he had some physical symptom that he wanted me to diagnose, and in the ensuing conversation, it turned out that he had never had his abscessed tooth taken care of—not even last winter when he got all that money from unemployment.
“Have your dentist call me,” I said. “I will pay for it.”
Because I cannot have him running around with what amounts to a ticking time bomb in his head.
Getting the abscessed tooth taken care of will cost $2,500.
I am filled with resentment, of course, but more than that, I am filled with a kind of fear on his behalf: Does he not realize that taking care of one’s health is a baseline non-negotiable? And since clearly that’s a rhetorical question, is his neglect a symptom of deep, seemingly intractable depression, or was I just a horrible mother who was unsuccessful in teaching him the most basic things?
I am going up to Ithaca to spend Thanksgiving with him.
I am thinking that some time while I’m there, I’m going to have to sit him down and have a Talk.
But I’m completely baffled as to how I can design that Talk so that it does not simply go in one ear and out the other.
###
The very worst thing that happened yesterday, though, was that at night, I could not fall asleep.
At two o’clock in the morning, I was still tossing, turning, and fending off Sybyl’s hopeful attempts: Well, I can see that you’re awake, so wouldn’t you like to feed me?
Melatonin was not having its usual effect.
Or maybe it was all that carrot habanero sauce I dumped in the soup I ate for dinner.
As an aside, I'll note that my carrot habanero sauce turned out spectacularly well, really tasty, and I am of the opinion—uncertified by Science—that capsaicin is incredibly healthy, packed with anti-inflammatories and Nature’s own methamphetamine. (Science does say that chilis boost your metabolism by about 15%.)
Anyway, insomnia is miserable. Sleeping is by far my favorite activity on the planet. Finally, I turned on a documentary about the Silk Road. Cappadocia, Samarkand, Tashkent! Places that I have spent my entire life wanting to see and that I will (in all likelihood) never see.
The deep despair engendered by that thought is probably what pushed me off the cliff into sleep—
Except then RTT decided to start texting me!
Do you remember what I was like as a kid? What books did I like to read?
RTT, RTT, RTT. Who can remember anything?
Just yesterday, I spent about 30 seconds standing outside the pantry in a complete and total fugue state because the thought—you need to put more paper towels in your bathroom—had utterly and completely vanished in the five seconds it took me to tromp downstairs from my rooms to the kitchen.
Is that how it starts?
Dementia, I mean.
I can’t pretend it doesn’t scare the shit out of me to watch Annie descend deeper and deeper into the dementia pit.
She is a close blood relative, and my other aunt had it, too.
And it is hereditary.
###
This morning, though, I feel perfectly fine.
Sour in mood but robust physically.
Money is a renewable resource, I tell myself. When you forget things, you have collateral brain circuits that can be activated to re-remember. It will all be just fine.
You were really into the Goosebumps series, I text RTT. And at bedtime, I read you ‘The Once and Future King.’
My ancient FitBit, for whatever reason, decided to stop synching.
My favorite beanie disappeared.
My Maximon lost his sombrero (though after half an hour of searching, I found it again.)
The Salvation Army people refused to haul away the cat tree that I'd bought for Sybyl and that she never, ever, once used. (It got snapped up two minutes after I listed it on Freecycle, but that meant I had to deal with a woman who wanted to tell me all about her PTSD and that I only managed to get rid of by literally shoving her—and the cat tree!—out the door.)
In the evening, RTT had one of his rare reach-out-to-Mom moments because he had some physical symptom that he wanted me to diagnose, and in the ensuing conversation, it turned out that he had never had his abscessed tooth taken care of—not even last winter when he got all that money from unemployment.
“Have your dentist call me,” I said. “I will pay for it.”
Because I cannot have him running around with what amounts to a ticking time bomb in his head.
Getting the abscessed tooth taken care of will cost $2,500.
I am filled with resentment, of course, but more than that, I am filled with a kind of fear on his behalf: Does he not realize that taking care of one’s health is a baseline non-negotiable? And since clearly that’s a rhetorical question, is his neglect a symptom of deep, seemingly intractable depression, or was I just a horrible mother who was unsuccessful in teaching him the most basic things?
I am going up to Ithaca to spend Thanksgiving with him.
I am thinking that some time while I’m there, I’m going to have to sit him down and have a Talk.
But I’m completely baffled as to how I can design that Talk so that it does not simply go in one ear and out the other.
###
The very worst thing that happened yesterday, though, was that at night, I could not fall asleep.
At two o’clock in the morning, I was still tossing, turning, and fending off Sybyl’s hopeful attempts: Well, I can see that you’re awake, so wouldn’t you like to feed me?
Melatonin was not having its usual effect.
Or maybe it was all that carrot habanero sauce I dumped in the soup I ate for dinner.
As an aside, I'll note that my carrot habanero sauce turned out spectacularly well, really tasty, and I am of the opinion—uncertified by Science—that capsaicin is incredibly healthy, packed with anti-inflammatories and Nature’s own methamphetamine. (Science does say that chilis boost your metabolism by about 15%.)
Anyway, insomnia is miserable. Sleeping is by far my favorite activity on the planet. Finally, I turned on a documentary about the Silk Road. Cappadocia, Samarkand, Tashkent! Places that I have spent my entire life wanting to see and that I will (in all likelihood) never see.
The deep despair engendered by that thought is probably what pushed me off the cliff into sleep—
Except then RTT decided to start texting me!
Do you remember what I was like as a kid? What books did I like to read?
RTT, RTT, RTT. Who can remember anything?
Just yesterday, I spent about 30 seconds standing outside the pantry in a complete and total fugue state because the thought—you need to put more paper towels in your bathroom—had utterly and completely vanished in the five seconds it took me to tromp downstairs from my rooms to the kitchen.
Is that how it starts?
Dementia, I mean.
I can’t pretend it doesn’t scare the shit out of me to watch Annie descend deeper and deeper into the dementia pit.
She is a close blood relative, and my other aunt had it, too.
And it is hereditary.
###
This morning, though, I feel perfectly fine.
Sour in mood but robust physically.
Money is a renewable resource, I tell myself. When you forget things, you have collateral brain circuits that can be activated to re-remember. It will all be just fine.
You were really into the Goosebumps series, I text RTT. And at bedtime, I read you ‘The Once and Future King.’
no subject
Date: 2020-11-19 03:59 pm (UTC)With the exception of one, all my kids are very bad about proactive health care, even those with insurance. I think my kids inherited from me a deep desire not to be hassled by things, and addressing one's health is definitely a hassle. But sometimes it really needs to be done, and what I somehow seem not to have been very good at transmitting is that bite-the-bullet approach to just getting things done when you need to get them done.
But maybe it's also depression, both in my kids' case and definitely in your kid's case.
I continue to admire how you construct an LJ/DW entry. The up note where you mentioned the Goosebumps series and The Once and Future King <3
no subject
Date: 2020-11-19 04:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-11-19 04:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-11-19 04:11 pm (UTC)❤️❤️❤️