Nor Certitude, Nor Peace, Nor Help for Pain

[mallorys_camera]

I fell asleep on the plane – I never fall asleep on planes – and when I woke up, I couldn’t remember where I lived or whether I was traveling to New York or California on vacation.

So, you know. Unsettling.

Apart from the two days dealing with Max and graduation, I did have a very good time.

And I figured out why Max’s lack of cap and gown freaked me out so completely.

It’s because of what happened with Robin and his graduation.

I saw Max without a cap and gown, and I thought, He’s not really graduating. He’s lying to me.

And it reignited that sense I live with that everyone who’s ever been close to me, everyone to whom I’m supposed to be bound by ties of love and trust, my mother, my father, Ben, Robin, those married guys on OKStupid, was a self-serving liar and that I’m a worthless human being whom other human look upon as prey.

Can’t even type that without my eyes filling with tears.

I mean, what do you do with karma like that?

You put one foot in front of the other, you smile, you laugh, and you try to make the best of it.

But it’s very tough.

The Manchurian Candidate is one of my favorite movies. And Dover Beach is one of my favorite poems:

Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.

Comments

[asakiyume]

I understand that fear of people lying to you. I had a loving, supported childhood, but had some bad incidents of being lied to, and basically now I always have in the back of my head that people could be lying, and that's not a fun thing to have in the back of your head....

And yeah, I love "Dover Beach" too.

[mallorys_camera]

Yeah, it's not a fun thing to have in your head at all.

Thank you for understanding.