Brown Versus Blue Passports
Aug. 30th, 2017 11:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mallorys_cameraNew intermediate English student at my class last night: Bilal.
Bilal is a Jordanian with that same innate, cat-like arrogance shared by practically every Israeli man I’ve ever met.
That has to make you wonder what the point of national boundaries and religious affiliations are. Okay! So Bilal’s passport is brown, not blue. And he prefers keeping halal to keeping kosher.
But what the hell are the real differences here?
Bilal is very smart, and he’s the first student I’ve had who was not immediately charmed by me, which naturally made me dislike him.
He was trying out the class.
“So! Do you think you want to continue with this class?” I asked him chirpily at 8 o’clock.
He regarded me blandly and made a mezzo-mezzo gesture with his hand.
So I trotted him over to the advanced class, which is taught by a kindly white-haired lesbian who frequently goes on rants denouncing the American patriarchy. Her students are all industrious Asians who don’t have the slightest interest in standing up to the American patriarchy. I can’t imagine how they’re going to work vocabulary words like neoliberalism into their everyday lives.
He’ll be back, I thought.
Or he won’t.
Actually, if he weren’t so arrogant, he’d realized I’m the perfect teacher for him because for two hours I kept telling him, Put away your smartphone!
He was doing that thing that all really smart people do when they’re learning languages, which is to look up unfamiliar words on their smartphone dictionaries.
I think that may work for reading assignments, but it doesn’t work for conversation.
The only way you’re going to get fluent conversationally is to understand, Yes, yes, I’m going to look very stupid for a while here. And then forge ahead trying to get meaning from context, making hideous gaffes in the process.
Yeah, yeah, children’s brain centers are better wired for the acquisition of languages. But the other reason children are better at learning languages is that they don’t really care if they make mistakes. The First Commandment of Adulthood – Thou shalt save face at all costs – has not yet become the Prime Directive.
Bilal really needs a teacher who can help him be okay with feeling stupid.
###
Sad news, too: Summer is going back to China at the end of September. I have not seen her a great deal since she and Chris relocated to the Big City, but even so: I’ll miss her a lot.
On the plus side, should I decide to travel to China, I will have a free deluxe vacation all lined up! Summer is eager to start planning my trip!
###
Also, when I woke up this morning, I felt perfectly fine.
The psychological equivalent to popping my ears. Or something.
Nothing has changed. I mean, yes – I had a longish conversation with B plus several other pleasant social interactions.
But I was always going to have a longish conversation with B, and I’m always going to have pleasant social interactions.
On a superficial level, at least, I’m pretty charming. People like interacting with me. I add value.
It’s those abandonment issues.
I’ve examined every subterranean fissure in my psychological foundations; I know exactly where the cracks are and why they’re there. But I don’t have a clue how to make those foundations stronger. And part of it is this almost humorous narcissim: I am the most singularly repulsive human being on the planet. Of course I’m abandonable!
Brain chemistry, I tell myself whenever I’m feeling down. It’s just brain chemistry. Neurotransmitters are like any other psychoactive drug.
And then I make my bed. And exercise.
Bilal is a Jordanian with that same innate, cat-like arrogance shared by practically every Israeli man I’ve ever met.
That has to make you wonder what the point of national boundaries and religious affiliations are. Okay! So Bilal’s passport is brown, not blue. And he prefers keeping halal to keeping kosher.
But what the hell are the real differences here?
Bilal is very smart, and he’s the first student I’ve had who was not immediately charmed by me, which naturally made me dislike him.
He was trying out the class.
“So! Do you think you want to continue with this class?” I asked him chirpily at 8 o’clock.
He regarded me blandly and made a mezzo-mezzo gesture with his hand.
So I trotted him over to the advanced class, which is taught by a kindly white-haired lesbian who frequently goes on rants denouncing the American patriarchy. Her students are all industrious Asians who don’t have the slightest interest in standing up to the American patriarchy. I can’t imagine how they’re going to work vocabulary words like neoliberalism into their everyday lives.
He’ll be back, I thought.
Or he won’t.
Actually, if he weren’t so arrogant, he’d realized I’m the perfect teacher for him because for two hours I kept telling him, Put away your smartphone!
He was doing that thing that all really smart people do when they’re learning languages, which is to look up unfamiliar words on their smartphone dictionaries.
I think that may work for reading assignments, but it doesn’t work for conversation.
The only way you’re going to get fluent conversationally is to understand, Yes, yes, I’m going to look very stupid for a while here. And then forge ahead trying to get meaning from context, making hideous gaffes in the process.
Yeah, yeah, children’s brain centers are better wired for the acquisition of languages. But the other reason children are better at learning languages is that they don’t really care if they make mistakes. The First Commandment of Adulthood – Thou shalt save face at all costs – has not yet become the Prime Directive.
Bilal really needs a teacher who can help him be okay with feeling stupid.
###
Sad news, too: Summer is going back to China at the end of September. I have not seen her a great deal since she and Chris relocated to the Big City, but even so: I’ll miss her a lot.
On the plus side, should I decide to travel to China, I will have a free deluxe vacation all lined up! Summer is eager to start planning my trip!
###
Also, when I woke up this morning, I felt perfectly fine.
The psychological equivalent to popping my ears. Or something.
Nothing has changed. I mean, yes – I had a longish conversation with B plus several other pleasant social interactions.
But I was always going to have a longish conversation with B, and I’m always going to have pleasant social interactions.
On a superficial level, at least, I’m pretty charming. People like interacting with me. I add value.
It’s those abandonment issues.
I’ve examined every subterranean fissure in my psychological foundations; I know exactly where the cracks are and why they’re there. But I don’t have a clue how to make those foundations stronger. And part of it is this almost humorous narcissim: I am the most singularly repulsive human being on the planet. Of course I’m abandonable!
Brain chemistry, I tell myself whenever I’m feeling down. It’s just brain chemistry. Neurotransmitters are like any other psychoactive drug.
And then I make my bed. And exercise.
no subject
Date: 2017-08-30 05:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-08-31 11:22 am (UTC)What I notice is that I don't get triggered nearly as often, and the triggered states last a shorter time.
And long years of experience have taught me not to react. In particular, to avoid social situations where I might feel compelled to react. Impersonal social situations where I have a role to play = Okay; highly charged personal situations with people I feel conflicted about (though generally I can manage those conflicts) = Not Okay.
The triggered states still feel awful, though.
Is it some kind of PTSD? I ask because I really don't know.