Fatherless Daughters and Their Memoirs
Apr. 28th, 2016 09:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mallorys_cameraMy revenue generation has fallen short of my goals but may still be sufficient unto my little gray mouse needs.
Here’s hoping.
It really is not possible to live out in the country without a car.
I’m still thinking brakes don’t suddenly go down to metal without warning, and that therefore the grating sound I heard driving back through the Catskills is somehow connected to the exhaust system, which should still be under labor warranty, but who fucking knows?
I’m still operating under the Big Black Cloud that descended upon me – ulp! – eight years ago when I lost my business, my house, my everything.
It has occurred to me, though, that I’m now past whatever dark stains blotched my credit report since credit reports, like skin cells, magically regenerate every seven years.
If I applied for a credit card, I’d probably get it.
And I probably should. Credit cards were made for putting the costs of car repairs on.
In other news, I watched the Anderson Cooper/Gloria Vanderbilt documentary Nothing Left Unsaid.
I was prepared to hate it. Gloria Fucking Vanderbilt! The name that crammed a million fat asses into overly tight designer jeans back in my salad days!
But, in fact, I liked it a lot.
She quotes Mary Gordon: A fatherless girl thinks all things possible and nothing safe.
[Waving hand wildly] That would be me!
Although wealth beyond the wildest dreams of avarice and life that turns into a mythology practically the moment it's lived is not me.
I really liked the fact that Vanderbilt’s son, Anderson Cooper, was the person who was interviewing her.
My own kids are utterly uninterested in my life. They love me! Of that, I have no doubt, and Max, at least, is very conscientious about staying in contact with me. We have interesting conversations. But they’re never about my life.
Recently, Max was applying for some sort of… something.
You may consider discussing how your background, life or work experiences, culture, and perspectives would contribute to the diversity of the entering class. You may also describe any adversity that you have overcome, including discrimination, linguistic barriers, or a personal or family history of educational or socioeconomic disadvantage.
“So! Should I go for Deep Springs, growing up in a divorced home, or my relationship with Fletcher*** ?” Max asked me.
*** The privileged bosom pal of Max’s youth who fell into oxycontin abuse, deceit, and ruin, despite the many expensive rehabs his parents were able to place him in.
“You should write about none of those things,” I said. “I’m pretty sure Deep Springs these days is viewed as a bastion of male privilege, and lots of kids grow up in divorced homes. And though Fletcher was your close friend for a long time, ultimately, he passed out of your life.
“I think you should write about what you talked about a couple of weeks ago with your therapist – what we talked about on the phone. That there’s a history of undiagnosed mental illness on my side of the family, and the effects it had on me and subsequently on you. Intergenerational PTSD. That this legacy drew you to social work and ultimately into law school when you realized you wanted more agency.”
He liked the idea, so I emailed him about 20 pages from my journal – keyword: Mother.
But I doubt very much that he’s going to read them.
In fact, I doubt very much that either of my kids is ever going to read my journal, even after I’m dead.
Which makes me start wondering what I should do with my journal. For after I’m dead. Whether I should make any plans for it. I have been keeping it for more than 50 years. Maybe it has some kind of value as a historical document.
Here’s hoping.
It really is not possible to live out in the country without a car.
I’m still thinking brakes don’t suddenly go down to metal without warning, and that therefore the grating sound I heard driving back through the Catskills is somehow connected to the exhaust system, which should still be under labor warranty, but who fucking knows?
I’m still operating under the Big Black Cloud that descended upon me – ulp! – eight years ago when I lost my business, my house, my everything.
It has occurred to me, though, that I’m now past whatever dark stains blotched my credit report since credit reports, like skin cells, magically regenerate every seven years.
If I applied for a credit card, I’d probably get it.
And I probably should. Credit cards were made for putting the costs of car repairs on.
In other news, I watched the Anderson Cooper/Gloria Vanderbilt documentary Nothing Left Unsaid.
I was prepared to hate it. Gloria Fucking Vanderbilt! The name that crammed a million fat asses into overly tight designer jeans back in my salad days!
But, in fact, I liked it a lot.
She quotes Mary Gordon: A fatherless girl thinks all things possible and nothing safe.
[Waving hand wildly] That would be me!
Although wealth beyond the wildest dreams of avarice and life that turns into a mythology practically the moment it's lived is not me.
I really liked the fact that Vanderbilt’s son, Anderson Cooper, was the person who was interviewing her.
My own kids are utterly uninterested in my life. They love me! Of that, I have no doubt, and Max, at least, is very conscientious about staying in contact with me. We have interesting conversations. But they’re never about my life.
Recently, Max was applying for some sort of… something.
You may consider discussing how your background, life or work experiences, culture, and perspectives would contribute to the diversity of the entering class. You may also describe any adversity that you have overcome, including discrimination, linguistic barriers, or a personal or family history of educational or socioeconomic disadvantage.
“So! Should I go for Deep Springs, growing up in a divorced home, or my relationship with Fletcher*** ?” Max asked me.
*** The privileged bosom pal of Max’s youth who fell into oxycontin abuse, deceit, and ruin, despite the many expensive rehabs his parents were able to place him in.
“You should write about none of those things,” I said. “I’m pretty sure Deep Springs these days is viewed as a bastion of male privilege, and lots of kids grow up in divorced homes. And though Fletcher was your close friend for a long time, ultimately, he passed out of your life.
“I think you should write about what you talked about a couple of weeks ago with your therapist – what we talked about on the phone. That there’s a history of undiagnosed mental illness on my side of the family, and the effects it had on me and subsequently on you. Intergenerational PTSD. That this legacy drew you to social work and ultimately into law school when you realized you wanted more agency.”
He liked the idea, so I emailed him about 20 pages from my journal – keyword: Mother.
But I doubt very much that he’s going to read them.
In fact, I doubt very much that either of my kids is ever going to read my journal, even after I’m dead.
Which makes me start wondering what I should do with my journal. For after I’m dead. Whether I should make any plans for it. I have been keeping it for more than 50 years. Maybe it has some kind of value as a historical document.
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no subject
Date: 2016-04-28 01:48 pm (UTC)Charles told me the law changed and it's now 10 years. :o( So granted, this is secondhand, unverified info I'm passing along, but it is information relevant to his interests.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-28 02:00 pm (UTC)Not the same thing as a credit report.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 03:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 12:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 02:42 pm (UTC)Journal: If they don’t want it, I’ll take it.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 02:49 pm (UTC)It's that weird lingo they like to aim at Millennials. :-)
This is the kind of liberalism that drives people into the arms of Trump.
I actually read the transcript of Der Donald's Speech to America. Which starts out haranguing European allies. Yep, they have great healthcare and free-e-ee-eeee! education. Because for the most part, they're not paying for their own defense. And they should be paying for their own defense.
And I got very, very upset. Because, goddamit to hell, I agree mit Der Donald on this one.
Hillary Clinton rather pointedly does not.
Although it was also one of Bernie Sanders' platform points.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 03:20 pm (UTC)It’s going to be a sad election now that the person I wanted to vote for is out of it. Now I’m left to decide if I want to bother voting against Trump or just stay home. And clearly, I’m not alone in this.
Although, I do agree with that point about Europe. But, Bernie was able to make the same point without sounding hateful.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 03:29 pm (UTC)I'll probably vote for Gary Johnson (Libertarian.)
I'm not actually a Libertarian because I believe strongly that a social safety net is a good thing and that the free market fails almost as often as it succeeds, thereby making governmental oversight a necessity.
But Libertarianism comes closest to what I believe.
And I think it's time that the U.S. breaks away from a two-party system.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 09:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-04-30 02:30 pm (UTC)Running my own business was the most fun I've ever had making money. I would do it again, too, if I were younger.
I've read Ayn Rand. Her hideous prose style makes it difficult for me to take anything about her "philosophy" seriously.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-01 06:15 pm (UTC)Rand’s prose is a bit wooden. But if you read enough of her, you’re able to out argue most of her fans. I wouldn't consider objectivism a real philosophy either. It's Adam Smith with excuses for chain smoking and adultery and living on the dole while looking down on other who are also living on the dole.