What Am I Missing Here?

[mallorys_camera]

Phone tussle with Max last night that put me in a baaaaaaad mood.

We’d just spent 20 minutes talking about his depression – which I don’t think is depression – and I was in the upteenth iteration of, But everyone on the planet has a hard time with law school or any type of professional or graduate program, and he snapped, “Why do you keep saying that? Do you think that’s useful? What relevance does that have to me?”

And I just thought, Fuck you, and wanted desperately to slam down the phone, but, of course, one can’t hang up on one’s offspring.

But you know what? ENOUGH.

I have these two kids, and neither of them will ever have the slightest appreciation of who I am or what I have to offer, and that’s just the way it is.

Some families aren’t like that, but I have a feeling that most are.

You can get angry and bitter about it, or you can let it go.

###

New York seems a lot crazier than the last time I spent a protracted period of time here. I saw this in the subway:



How is this a business model? What am I missing here? Don’t most therapists (like 99.9% of the rest of the world) have smartphones with texting capacities already? Why on earth would you need an app to text your therapist?

Comments

[chochiyo-sama.livejournal.com]

Kids are not equipped to understand their parents. By the time they have the slightest clue, dear old mom and dad are either drooling in their oatmeal or dead.

I don't know if it has always been this way or if it is a result of the prolonged childhood of the modern era, which seems to keep people immature and self absorbed well into adulthood.

[fuzzilla.livejournal.com]

**Kids are not equipped to understand their parents. By the time they have the slightest clue, dear old mom and dad are either drooling in their oatmeal or dead.**

That's something that really impressed me about "Master of None," that Aziz Ansari show on Netflix, was that he really tried to understand his parents' point of view. "They moved across the world, knowing no one, not speaking the language, having little money, to make a better life for me. And I'm sitting here like, 'Damn, the apps on my phone are too slow...' I'm such a spoiled brat!"

Most of the show's episodes were about everyday life, struggles with dating and acting, etc. And that's cool, and they were funny and well written, but the episode about his parents was truly outstanding TV.

Yeah, I don't know if kids are truly equipped to understand their parents, but some try harder than others, maybe?

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Ha! I've actually said to Max that in some ways, he's the child of an immigrant -- meaning that I think of myself as having emigrated into the Land of Relative Sanity from the Land of Complete Insanity and Undiagnosed Borderline Psychosis -- which is where I lived growing up.

I don't think he realized that I meant that to be taken seriously.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I agree. I think the erosion of social and cultural institutions that used to lobby hard for respecting one's parents (even if you didn't actually agree with them) also factors into it.

[immemor.livejournal.com]

I can see both sides of this frustration. Having spent the past four months trying to explain how I could be one of the top nursing students until it was time to take the exams and how, no, it wasn't a matter of just hanging in there, I can understand the frustrations of talking to people who don't understand the minutia of the situation. But on the other hand, you're right about how kids don't think of or see their parents as human. If there's one thing for which I'm thankful about my situation, it's that we've been able to see and treat each other as adults.

Oh that's just what I need: a therapist who gets drunk, asks for dick pics and then charges me for the "Freudian" analysis.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well. Sigh...

I guess I'll just read during the 20 minutes or so of all future phone calls while Max is talking about how depressed he is.

Since I can't do anything about it. Or even offer an opinion.

[immemor.livejournal.com]

Well, now I feel like a jerk. But sometimes you do just need someone who listens and not mommy-solves-your-problems. It's part of that transition of thinking of you as a friend more so than a parent. Don't worry, my mom was a few years behind that curve, too. And she turned out alright.

Here. Have a cheesy cyber ((hug)) to make everything better.

[signorinakatina.livejournal.com]

I think most people turn into more difficult versions of themselves as grad students. It's hard to know what the right words are as a parent or friend, because you don't know if the person will even be capable of listening.

If he doesn't find comfort in the "we're all having a hard time with this" concept, you might remind him that very few people go to grad school, and the reason is because it's a very hard thing to do. If it were easy, more people would do it. And then there's always the "chin up, spirits high--you can depend on yourself" strategy, which I also have found helpful. Sometimes I need someone to remind me that I am strong.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I think I'm just not going to say another word to him on the subject.

When he starts venting, I'll open a book. And read until he's done venting.

I love him loads, but clearly, there's not a single thing I can do. I'm peeved because it's not exactly as though I'm ignorant on the subject: I got through nursing school, and I got through graduate school (Master's not PhD), basically by envisioning both as conveyor belts that would require a lot of tedium, occasional shit-eating, and occasional epiphanies where it all seemed to fuse together in a great white light of understanding.

But what worked for me is not necessarily what will work for him. And it's his life.

Talkspace

[sfo2lhr.livejournal.com]

I believe Talkspace provides the actual therapist. It's like an online doc-in-a-box. You don't have to have your own therapist.

Re: Talkspace

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

platofish posted the Forbes review of the company below:

http://www.forbes.com/sites/toddessig/2015/06/29/talkspace-argues-with-talkspace-conflicting-messages-and-clinical-risk/#2077bf21981e

As a lawyer, I think you'd find it really fascinating. The company claims it merely provides a platform for exchanges -- kind of the old ISP "publisher" model. But I would think the very selectivity of the platform -- I can't use it to upload cat videos, for instance -- opens them up to liability issues.

[lifeinroseland.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I don't wanna hear that when I am suffering either. Maybe it's like with girlfriends, you just have to listen and agree that it all does suck so much. Or maybe you can tell him about text-a-therapist.

Lately what has happened with my oh-so-very-sweet-and-wonderful mother is that I'll bitch about going to work, or work, and she'll say something about how some people don't even have jobs, and whatever, I don't want to see the silver lining either, I just want to bitch.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Ha! You're absolutely right, of course. But I'm kind of a hardass when it comes to suffering.

I think unless you're a Syrian refugee or pushing a shopping cart filled with plastic bottles through NYC streets in subfreezing weather, you're not really suffering. You're whinging (in that quaint British word I LUV).

Of course, I'm well aware that this has nothing to do with the reality of anyone else's situation. It's pure solipsism that only reflects the fact that if I hadn't been stoic myself, I'd be dead now. (I will spare you the details.) Stoicism is such a deeply ingrained survival mechanism for me, though, that I have a big blind spot about it.

[platofish.livejournal.com]

Had to go read about talk space...... Seems like it wouldn't be much use to any needing a therapist, since they don't actually do therapy or diagnosis.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/toddessig/2015/06/29/talkspace-argues-with-talkspace-conflicting-messages-and-clinical-risk/#2077bf21981e

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Wow! That's a pretty fascinating article. Talk Space appears to be using the model developed by ISPs that state they're publishers who are in not way responsible for the content "published." But I would speculate that the very selectivity of that content -- I can't use it to post cat videos, after all -- opens them up to legal liability. I wonder if they carry malpractice insurance?

[bb-lurks.livejournal.com]

Max is young yet. I have 2 pieces of anecdata that sometime around 27 or so, the kids figure out what the parents went through, and express gratitude even. I'm still grateful that Mom didn't squish me when she had the chance. And after listening to other men "whinge" I know I won the Dad lottery. Knew it all along, actually.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

It's fine with me if the kids aren't grateful, actually. It bespeaks a degree of entitlement and self-absorption that I worked very hard to instill in them, being deficient in those two areas myself. :-)

I just need a safe place to complain about it occasionally. :-)

[seakittym.livejournal.com]

I think Max will be okay. He'll look back and see it from your angle. I am the same way when I'm feeling anxious and crushed. Everyone has these feelings, but when I'm feeling trapped, I don't care about other people's feelings. It's selfish, I know.