Connective Tissue

[mallorys_camera]

Cannot believe how bent out of shape all that mishegas over the last few days made me feel. Maybe an angst-addled teenager feels emotions like that, but a grown-up? Never. A woman of 60? Puleeze.

A very borderline personality type of energy, really.

I imagined trying to explain it to someone, nose running, crying hysterically: They think I'm a bad person, and that makes me a bad person –

And having that someone make a wry face, shake his/her face: Actually, no. It doesn't. Only you can make you a 'bad person' –

Finally snapped myself out of it by going to bed and watching – in rapid succession – Argo and the latest episodes of Shameless and The Good Wife. A while ago it occurred to me that the one note of continuity in my life after I was uprooted from my home was really the cozy, comforting voices of the NPR anchor people on Morning Edition. I had listened to them every morning before I took the dogs to the beach in Monterey, and then again on my way to the Little Store. I had listened to them the whole five months I trailed after the circus, following the elusive arrows, and I listened to them all winter long shivering heartbroken in the Concrete Bungalow.

It's kind of bizarre that the true connective tissue for me is not relationships with other people – E.M. Forster's imperative: "Only connect!" – but the voices of people I'll never meet, and who I wouldn't recognize if I saw on the street. Honestly, though? I think that's the case with a lot of people.

The Gallaghers comfort me. Alicia Florrick comforts me. The plight of the House Guests in far away Iran distracts me and comforts me. (It was actually suspenseful – rather a tour de force for Ben Affleck, I thought, given that the historical outcome of that particular sequence of events is very well known.)

These TV shows and movies, the tremendous numbers of books I read, these imaginary narratives – they're my real connective tissue. I suppose in a sense this makes me a kind of cousin to Chance the Gardener in Being There or Binx Bolling in The Moviegoer.

Is that pathetic?

Honestly? I don't know.

Human beings are social animals after all. So I'm always going to feel a great yearning for a group, a family, an inner circle of kindred souls I can belong to.

It would no doubt be better for me psychologically if I found these cosmic littermates. I'd be happier.

But I think I am just too odd and strange and -- let's face it -- old to find that group.

Plus, all it is is a neurologically mediated herd instinct, mediated by oxytocin and serotonin and whatever other chemical endocrines and hormones are responsible for feelings of love and acceptance or, alternately, for feelings of despair. It's not as though the group membership conveys any special grace. In the end we all die, and eventually we're all forgotten. Right? Right.

###

In other news, I have another date with an Online Dating Website dude tonight. Had a long telephone conversation with him last week and I ascertained I have absolutely nothing in common with him. I'm curious to see if he's at all physically attractive. He's very sane, upper middle class bourgeois. Can't imagine why he would be attracted to me. There's nothing about me except my physical appearance that would appeal to him in the slightest.


But I'm kind of thinking that if he's physically appealing, I might sleep with him.

I relayed all this to Clark on the phone. He started to sputter. "You are so cold and calculating!"

"Me?"

"You! Listen to yourself!"

This sort of shocked me. I'd thought if anyone would understand that choice, it would be Clark.

"Well, I've got to climb back on the bicycle at some point, right?" I said.

Clark snorted. "You make it sound so-o attractive! Like you're a sacrificial virgin waiting for Cthulu to rip your heart out –"

"Well, I think I'll enjoy it more if I can control it, right? And I can control it better if I feel absolutely no emotion –"

"So cold," said Clark. I could imagine him shaking his head. I couldn't tell whether this behavior disgusted him or on some level he was secretly charmed by it.

But my emotions are very strong and in general, very misguided. It would be better not to feel a real emotion ever again in my life, as far as I'm concerned.

I will also see the nice gentleman I met for coffee last week either this weekend or early next week. He used to import gems from Southeast Asia and is also a docent at the Museum of Natural History, my favorite place on the planet. We have a lot of things in common, actually. He likes to go on long urban tromps and so do I. I want to stare at strange architecture and hear all about Myanmar, Thailand and Bhutan.

Comments

[millysdaughter.livejournal.com]

Why is he so shocked about the idea of mindless physical sex?
Men have been doing this since time began -- whydja thunk prostitution is the oldest profession?
Tell him you "just want to get my rocks off."

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Yah, I was surprised by his reaction actually. I don't think there's anything wrong with mindless physical sex.

[cah1470.livejournal.com]

I was going to ask about the shock and awe too but why bother men have double standards they probably always will. Finally someone else who finds comfort in morning edition :) I find I don't want to give up on the idea I will find a group of misfits so I can feed the relationship hunger. I mean why are we here if not for the connections and the relationships? Even if the relationships make me wonder why bother the moment I am in them.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I do feel like I want desperately to connect, that I am happiest when I feel connected.

But most of the time I feel... Well. Not alienated. Disassociated I guess would be a better way to describe it. It's one of the reasons why it was so hard for me to finally let my X-husband go. We had a really strong connection on many different levels.

[cah1470.livejournal.com]

I think I can relate, even when I am friendly or "friends" I am tolerated in the group not an important member. Or at least that's how I always feel. And it took me years to let my ex go even though I didn't want to be together. I didn't want to cut all ties because I felt like he was one of the few people I had any real intimacy with.

[fuzzilla.livejournal.com]

(I forgot who Clark is. Potential suitor who is jealous...?).

I think learning to control your emotions is a valuable skill. I'd like to meet someone who was everything I wanted (thus obviating the need to tamp everything down), but I don't want to be celibate 'til then. Better to just call it was it is then pretend it's more just because you feel like you're supposed to.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Clark was once the Dom in these pages. He's become a pal. Unfortunately, he's not a good candidate for mindless physical sex because I like him too much. I would want some kind of emotional intimacy with him if I slept with him, and he's not in a position to provide that. He lives with two quite gorgeous and remarkably nice women, has a number of relationships on the side -- sex is his hobby -- and I think he's close to being overextended as it is. I love talking to him and he makes me laugh -- he's basically into the same kind of extended comedy routine conversational riffs that I am.

[fuzzilla.livejournal.com]

Then it extra-double doesn't make sense that he'd give you so much grief about no-strings-attached sex. *shrugs*

Does he know you well enough to think it wouldn't be good for you personally, or is it some antiquated gender roles thing (it's okay for men but not women)? Possibly he was just teasing you and didn't take it that seriously...?

[ccjohn.livejournal.com]

I recognize the narrative thing you're talking about. Sometimes I'd consider pop culture narratives I liked a lot at the time like myths. These I could work with -- tools.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Oh, totally. Pop culture narratives are definitely contemporary myths.

[bel-ebat.livejournal.com]

is borderline personality disorder what you would most identify with (out of disorders) on your "bad" days? i was trying to think of the best way to phrase this question, but i really can't. i just find it interesting for reasons you're already familiar with, plus that i have never been able to identify with it very much at all.

i'm the same when it comes to my steady diet of media! right now i am mainly soothed by "girls" and—because i can never NOT be watching SOMETHING on bravo—'the shahs of sunset'. you might actually like 'the shahs of sunset' too, actually. though i feel like even when you know someone else watches at least a little reality tv, it takes some amount of nerve to ever actually recommend reality tv.

i still need to see argo. my character dissection of ben affleck as a person continues, however, after watching the golden globes and seeing that he had his wife jennifer garner thank people (okay, fine. not just people—george clooney) he forgot during his acceptance speech when she went up to present a different award.

i hope your date is going welllllllll. :)

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I think we've been peeping through each other's fence holes long enough, m'dear, so that you can phrase questions any way you want, and I won't be offended. I trust you feel the same. :-)

Yes, definitely, when I tilt, I tilt over to the borderline side. It's strange when it happens too because I have absolutely no control over it and it is incredibly crazy-making. It's this incredible explosion of negative energy. I try to ignore it to the degree that's possible. It's gotten much, much better as I've gotten older, but I don't think it will ever go away entirely.

I love Girls! Reminds me of how much I loved the very first season of Skins, that same kind of energy. I totally identify with Hannah: "So. If you didn't know that was about you and you hadn't been completely offended by it, would you have thought it was well written? Be honest here!"

I'm on a Bravo break having devoured all 12 episodes of Flipping Out in something like three days. Will definitely check out The Shahs of Sunset.

I don't think you'd like Argo actually. I liked it, but I'm into that whole John Le Carre political thriller medium. I don're think you are.

Oh, and I have another book recommendation for you: Lipstick Jihad, Azadeh Moaveni. Iranian-American girl goes back to Iran. Fascinating and beautifully written.

[cah1470.livejournal.com]

Love Girls and Flipping Out. I cling to the reason I was lured to Bravo which was West Wing reruns but who are we kidding some of it is just so entertaining. I watched a bit of The Shahs of Sunset but it didn't keep my interest.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Oh, my God! Flipping Out! It is just so... weird. I love it.

I'm an unrepentant reality TV 'ho, though I only do Bravo. No Kardashians or Gene Simmons for me.

[bel-ebat.livejournal.com]

i do. :)

that's incredibly interesting to me—especially that it's gotten so much better as you've gotten older.

i'm so happy you also watch girls!! and i SO agree about it with skins! i was already thinking that i would describe it that way to you if you didn't already love/know the show.

i identify the MOST with hannah, but i think the parts of me and my life that can make me cringe are in jessa. i think it's the difference between how the two react under pressure.

that scene where jessa has already decided to get an abortion and is saying, "what? you don't think i'd be a good mom?? because i will be an AMAZING mom. and one day i want to have MANY children with MANY different men from MANY different races." that temptation to be unrealistic and almost scary to people is very me. that's practically something i'd say verbatim in a situation like that. ditto her fake "relationship" with the dad of the girls she was nannying. i have had way too many weird, weird relationships with older men like that since age 19—where nothing really happens at all, but they're obviously fixating on me and i think that we're "friends" and every middle-aged woman around me is either angry or arching their eyebrows off their face. even suddenly marrying a guy i barely know is something i would do.

those things about jessa's character touch on the...murkier parts of my personality.

LOVE jeff lewis and flipping out.

actually, 'the constant gardener' is one of my very favorite films of all time! but you're right. i do not normally care for that genre at all. i even think what makes me love 'the constant gardener' is the unfolding of tess's character specifically.

i will check that out!! i have been on a middle east kick since my international public policy class last semester, so that sounds right up my alley at the moment!

[chezsci.livejournal.com]

Ah, the Gallaghers - my favorite TV family. They represent for me some of the stages of my life. As a young man I was Lip, teetering towards early adulthood I was Frank, later on I became Fiona the caretaker, Now? I'm not sure. I vacillate between being Sheila and Kevin...

Well, THAT should be an interesting date. The dude will probably think he hit the jackpot. Nothing in common but maybe your giving out that, ummm, recreational sex vibe, hence the interest. I've recently had a few blips like that on my radar, but I'm gun shy. As with a lot of things I over think to oblivion.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Love me some Gallaghers! Have you noticed how the rest of them get older but Liam always stays the same age? Is that a magical realism thang? Saintly Fiona is my fave. The actress who plays her is really outstanding. And I love Flip's Robert Mitchum impersonation.


Dates. Sigh... Kinda feel I have to do them.

[chezsci.livejournal.com]

Robert Mitchum - yes! that dude should re-make "Thunder Road" or "Night of the Hunter". yeah - the Fiona actress Emma Rosum is outstanding - totally holds her own with Bill Macy. Chloe Webb - Frank's ex-wife Monica is a screen crush of mine - love her.