Friendship

[mallorys_camera]

Friendship is maybe more important to me than it is to most people. I think that's because I grew up in such a dysfunctional family. Friendship touches on the whole issue of Family of Choice, which is one I think a lot about these days.

Of course, the thing about families that makes them families besides the DNA is the years and decades of shared experiences.

You can't have that with friends you make at my age. I mean, c'mon – in 20 years, likely I'll be dead.

Nonetheless, sweet little moment for me over dinner last night when Allan and I solemnly agreed, Yes, I consider you a friend.

###

Later that evening, I had a long phone conversation with a dear friend who isn't doing well. The intensity of my affection for him can be gauged by the fact that I talked to him at all over the phone. I hate talking to people over the phone.

I talk to my kids on the phone because – well. They're my kids.

I talk to my sister over the phone because – well. She is my sister.

I used to talk to Abe on the phone because he was a fascinating conversationalist in every medium.

And Lucius and I used to watch reality TV shows over the phone together, Survivor and America's Next Top Model because, you know – as rich and wonderful as those shows are, they're even richer and more wonderful with annotated snark.

Other people on the phone?

Ick.
This particular friend is very dear to me, but was also quite inebriated, which made conversation problematic. He had lucid moments, and then he had not quite so lucid moments. The not quite so lucid moment involved large numbers of ladybugs -- no, really.

This particular friend, in fact, reminds me of my very first father-in-law.

"You are an alcoholic," I once ranted at Al.

Al pulled himself up to his full height – still shorter than me – and shot me an outraged glare. "How dare you," he said. "I am not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk!" Then he threw back his head and chortled.

(You might not guess it from this interaction, but I was very fond of Al.)

Of course it's central to my personal philosophy that I never criticize people for those kinds of life choices. I mean – so long as they don't drive or operate heavy equipment. I've known plenty of fully functional smack heads in my time.

I can't help thinking, though, that substance abuse is all about analgesia. Yea, yeah, there's the physical addiction component. That takes over after a while, often a very short while. But the beginning, it seems to me, is always about trying to find a way to dissociate from the pain.

This particular friend has a really gallant soul. Think Cyrano de Bergerac. Like Cyrano, he also writes like an angel.

What role can Cyrano play in the 21st century?

There's really nothing I can do to help him escape from his pain. Nada. Friendship is just not a strong enough rope.

Comments

[platofish.livejournal.com]

I also deeply dislike talking on the phone...... I think its a hollow experience.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Conversation for me is as much about the other person's facial expressions and body language, and the subtext of the environment, as it is about actual words being exchanged. So it's very hard for me to have conversations on the phone.

Phones are okay for information exchanges, I suppose.

[sulphuroxide.livejournal.com]

i forget where exactly, but slavoj zizek reads the main characters in boogie nights as the postmodern-family. not related by blood but fulfilling the roles. socially speaking family isnt about blood, its about who occupies those positions.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

socially speaking family isnt about blood

Yes, and no. I liked Boogie Nights but I saw it like 18 billion years ago. Don't they all break up in the end?

Thing about blood relations is that it's much more difficult to break up with them. You can show up after 50 years, and there's still a context. That's really not the case with families of choice.

[lethe1]

I remember Boogie Nights as a very warm film, precisely because of the family thing. IIRC the "prodigal son" (played by Mark Wahlberg) returns in the end and all is forgiven.

(I loved Boogie Nights, much more than Magnolia.)

[sulphuroxide.livejournal.com]

it seems to me that you are merely pointing out that we believe biology to be the basis familial tie. ones rational choice in family remains surface because in that, we know we have a choice.

[insanezanne.livejournal.com]

Oh, I am so relieved to hear others say they hate talking on the phone! I hated it even before cell phones but even more so now. People never understand when I admit my aversion and they act shocked as if it's unbelievable! - Except my daughter - she says she understands, but then she's my daughter and best friend!

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I used to eavesdrop on the phone conversations people would have in my store, and it would just blow me away how stupid and unnecessary they were. But I guess, people really need to feel connected or something.

[cwmackowski.livejournal.com]

I love Cyrano. Someone to aspire to be!

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I love Cyrano too. But no, you don't want to be him. He's a tragic character essentially.

[alexkaufmann]

I do 99% of my communicating through text messages, as I hate talking on the phone as well.

Seems like Al knew the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk; alcoholics go to meetings.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

The person I wrote this entry about actually read the entry and pointed out that Al's retort was an old AA meme. (Life sure can get complicated when the boundaries between it and LJ start to blur!) I didn't know, 'cause I've never been to AA.

I do most of my communicating through text messaging too. I vastly prefer it.

[starlight-pf.livejournal.com]

I hate talking on the phone. So does g. which means we have the most awkward conversations on the rare occasions when I call him. We are plenty chatty with each other in person, but on the phone? Not at all.

Your paragraph about alcoholics vs. drunks made me think of him too. I laughed, even though it's not really funny. He is a highly functional "drunk". The first one I ever came across. The other drunks I've known were the non-functional, violent, aggressive, disgusting kind. In a way, I'm always waiting for THAT to jump at me from g.'s corner one day but so far it hasn't happened (the worst have been a few sad TMs).

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I think people can be high-functioning substance abusers of all sorts, and I don't judge them. I actually don't see much difference between maintenance drinking and popping Prozac. I've pissed a number of Prozac poppers off over the years saying things like that, so these days I mostly keep that opinion to myself. :-)

When you care about someone, though...

Well, then you have to wonder why they feel the need to do it. And feel sad and worried about them.

[starlight-pf.livejournal.com]

I am mostly worried about the effect on his health.

One theory I heard with regards to g. and his drinking is that it is how he self-medicates his OCD. I don't know when he started, he says he *always* did.

[starlight-pf.livejournal.com]

It might have been you who suggested that!

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I believe that was me as a matter of fact! :-)

[nokomisjeff.livejournal.com]

I've tried the self medicating thing and it just doesn't work for me. Guess that I'll have to tough life out.

[fasterpussycat.livejournal.com]

speaking of friendship, dear lady, do you have a mailing address for me now? I'd like to send you a little holiday note and/or a postcard or two from "a broad"

my email is fastercat6860@yahoo.com or hit me up on Facebook