The Voice of the Turtle

[mallorys_camera]

Kevin is one of those rare individuals who can talk outside the time/space continuum. This is a rare gift, almost magical, and one that was much appreciated by io truly last night. I desperately need to have some conversations that are outside the time/space continuum.

The storm really shook me up. Disproportionately so, and for no apparent reason except that I have no roots really right now, not much to anchor me, so I'm easily shaken.

"It scared me," I said. "This… revelation of how easily things fall apart, the familiar routines. How easily certain parts of the world can devolve into Mad Max territory like what's going on in Rockaway and parts of Staten Island. I actually believe the media is underreporting the situation for once. The cyberpunks are right. It's smoke and mirrors."

Kevin shrugged. "Know what I did at the height of the storm? I went out for a walk! Yeah, it was blowing really, really hard. But there wasn't much rain."

"Dangerous!" I said.

"Not for me," said Kevin. "See, I know those wires. I know those trees. I can look at a tree and say, That one – that one there – it's shaky! Don't walk near that. I can look at those wires and say, That one's telephone, that one's cable. That one's mainland power. Dangeroux! –" Being a Canadian from Montreal he's allowed to pepper his conversation with French without it being too much of an affectation, I suppose. "Don't go anywhere near the loose power lines! But see, because I knew the territory, because I can speak the language of wires, I was perfectly safe."

"Impressive," I said. I believed him that he was perfectly safe.

He cocked his head owlishly. "You were on the circus so you should relate to this. What's the difference between a magic act and a carny sideshow act?"

I shook my head. Trick question?

"The magic isn't real," said Kevin. "The magician really isn't sawing his lovely assistant in half. The carny geek really is swallowing that sword, though. But which one would you rather see?"

"The magician," I said.

Kevin nodded. "Of course. Always. The smoke and mirrors! Humans always prefer that. Know what it takes to pull off smoke and mirrors?"

I shook my head.

"A plan," said Kevin, moving his head nearer and staring into my eyes. "You gotta get yourself a plan. You gotta get yourself a plan."

He is so-o-o right.

I've been in reactive mode since the day my beautiful Little Store collapsed. All I had the strength to do was to run away, and in most important respects, I'm still running. I ran off to the circus because I had some vague idea that after taking care of him for 17 years, it was now Ben's turn to take care of me. But in point of fact, it is not my karma in this lifetime to ever have anyone take care of me, starting with the woman who gave birth to me. No use bemoaning that fact. There've been plenty of people who've been very, very generous. But, no. They're not signing on for a dependent.

I should have realized that the moment I laid eyes on him in that dusty little California town, while I was still doing the census, that not only wasn't Ben going to take care of me, but that he wasn't particularly inclined even to be generous. There was this stranger with dead hawkish eyes and a sardonic grin walking down the street toward me and it took me ten seconds to register, Ben. Man I shared bed with for many years.

Afterwards he said to me, "I was shocked when you showed up and said you were going with us. I thought when we got in the RV and took off, that was the end."

What did he think I would do? What were my options? Had we stopped being a family?

Water through the colvert...

Anyway, now I need a plan that's more specific than, I want to go home…

I need to start marshalling money so I can hire a lawyer to do the bankruptcy. Sure, it would be physically possible for me do the bankruptcy myself, but I mean emotionally… If I could have done it, I would have done it by now. But thinking about losing the business catapults me into such a torrential downpour of shame I can barely function. Ridiculous, of course. People lose businesses and file for bankruptcy all the time. And then many times, they start businesses again. And one of those times, the business succeeds.

Ridiculous or not, though, that's my limitation. I can't handle a DIY bankruptcy, but I gotta do the bankruptcy.

First, though, I gotta play catch up with all the money I couldn't make while the electricity and internet were down, so it's off to work.

Comments

[nokomisjeff.livejournal.com]

Wow, now I can comment.......cool

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

You should start writing more in your LJ! :-)

[nodressrehersal.livejournal.com]

What a fascinating post - a novella that makes me want to read the entire book.

Is there any kind of legal/financial aid advocacy organization that could help with the bankruptcy and keep the cost to a bare minimum?

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I looked into legal aid in Ithaca. They weren't set up to do that sort of work. But perhaps legal aid here can handle it. Otherwise I'm estimating that it will cost around $1,000, which is not an impossible sum if I save it up a little at a time.

Purrrrrrrrr

[navitas2003.livejournal.com]

Shank ya love. ;-)

Re: Purrrrrrrrr

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Didn't realize you were on LJ! :-)

Re: Purrrrrrrrr

[(Anonymous)]

yup. But I RARELY ever go here.

Re: Purrrrrrrrr

[navitas2003.livejournal.com]

yup. But I RARELY ever go here.

[a1icey.livejournal.com]

hopefully, if nothing crazy happens, i should be licensed to give you legal advice very soon.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Thank you, m'dear, but I think I need to pay for this. I don't want legal advice. I actually know what to do. I want someone else to do it because I'm emotionally incapable of doing it myself.

[a1icey.livejournal.com]

oh i know, of course you need someone who is going to do the technical stuff for you. but if you want to check to make sure you are using a trustworthy person, or run something by me, i'm here.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

That would be great! :-)

[fasterpussycat.livejournal.com]

I had my own business- a wildly popular,award-winning gallery - for seven years. It's been five years since we closed and I still don't have a plan.

Boy do I need a plan.

Oh and I've been through a bankruptcy too. I don't remember it costing me a great deal - I went through a lawyer. The sooner you get this behind you the better you'll feel.



P.S. I love your writing. I feel like I'm reading part of a wonderful novel, one I can't put down and bring to work to read on my breaks and at lunchtime

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Well, thank you. May I say that you are exactly the type of reader I am writing for?

So many parallels between our lives. I loved that Little Store so much, and I'm still reeling from the loss. But yes, I have to get the bankruptcy behind me and get out from this shadow life.

[ch.livejournal.com]

i miss the little store, though sadly i never saw it in person.

take care.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I've only very recently been able to start thinking about the Little Store again without falling to pieces.