Steve Jobs and Self Doubt
Oct. 27th, 2011 10:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mallorys_cameraFinished Walt Isaacson’s Steve Jobs bio in a 72 hour intensive reading binge. As a parenthetical aside I worked for Walt Isaacson once – he helmed Time Inc’s ill-fated Pathfinder initiative. He was, like Jobs, a supremely arrogant man who thought about 20 years ahead of his time but who, unlike Jobs, had the misfortune not to be in complete control of his project. Pathfinder could have been Yahoo – a dinosaur now, sure, but as recently as three years ago still tromping through the Internet jungle, gobbling up start-ups. We live in strangely accelerated times.
I knew a lot of the principals from the Apple saga in the 1970s. It was very odd seeing their names in the book, now an official part of capital H History. Some day, obscure graduate students will be writing dissertations about them no doubt.
I started reading the book with the assumption that Steve Jobs was a supremely lucky guy – right time, right place. Now, I’m not so sure. Does seem as though he was one of those few change agents who actually had the capacity to move things on will power alone. He never took “no” for the answer.
Probably the luckiest thing that ever happened to Jobs was getting adopted. I read Anywhere But Here when it first came out, in fact you could say it was my life story: Adele August is recognizably Lynn Vogel. Mona Simpson had the pluck and fortitude to survive her miserable upbringing; clearly, I did not or I would not be sitting here in the cement bungalow all bundled up and without any lights because I don’t want to incur any unnecessary electricity bills, plugging away on Project # 1 and filling out forms to become a Cornell Food Services worker, ‘cause I gotta get a job, any job at this point. I’m a really bad housecleaner or I’d apply for that too.
But, from the moment Jobs first encounters the Mishkin-like Wozniak and begins bending him to his will, Apple is inevitable. First computer I ever bought was the Macintosh II – I’m not a programmer, so command line interfaces always intimidated me a bit. I bought into the Apple design ethos wholeheartedly – the ghost in that machine was one that I talked to too. But what if it was a ghost I didn’t like? That whole integrated systems approach has definite drawbacks for people who like to tinker under the hood.
Case in point: The Apple power supply. They go out frequently. I must go through three power supplies every year. And they would be a simple matter to fix if you could just figure out a simple way to bore through the heavy plastic case in which they’re entombed. But you can’t. So you always end up having to order another one from Apple or begging one from your friends.
Else?
It’s been a grim couple of days. Weather made a major shift from passably warm to officially cold two days ago and the first snowfall is scheduled for later this afternoon. Gets dark at 6:00 pm; gets light at 7:00 am. I hate that. My bed is cozy but my house is not, so I find myself wanting to go to bed at 9:00 pm. Now. I’ve always gone to bed early, but the thing is I used to get up early, was really productive in those hours just before dawn. I’ve lost that ability. Or maybe just misplaced it. I stay in bed because when I'm asleep, everything is okay. I wake each morning from a safe space into a world that's lonely, bitterly cold and unnurturing. I have absolutely no confidence in my own abilities to do anything these days, and have no idea how I’m going to survive. Seriously. For the first time it’s beginning to dawn on me: Maybe I won’t.
Well.
I produced two remarkable children.
Maybe that’s all I was ever intended to do. Maybe I was just a conduit for DNA, and there’s absolutely nothing else I can contribute to the universe. See, I always take no for the answer.
I knew a lot of the principals from the Apple saga in the 1970s. It was very odd seeing their names in the book, now an official part of capital H History. Some day, obscure graduate students will be writing dissertations about them no doubt.
I started reading the book with the assumption that Steve Jobs was a supremely lucky guy – right time, right place. Now, I’m not so sure. Does seem as though he was one of those few change agents who actually had the capacity to move things on will power alone. He never took “no” for the answer.
Probably the luckiest thing that ever happened to Jobs was getting adopted. I read Anywhere But Here when it first came out, in fact you could say it was my life story: Adele August is recognizably Lynn Vogel. Mona Simpson had the pluck and fortitude to survive her miserable upbringing; clearly, I did not or I would not be sitting here in the cement bungalow all bundled up and without any lights because I don’t want to incur any unnecessary electricity bills, plugging away on Project # 1 and filling out forms to become a Cornell Food Services worker, ‘cause I gotta get a job, any job at this point. I’m a really bad housecleaner or I’d apply for that too.
But, from the moment Jobs first encounters the Mishkin-like Wozniak and begins bending him to his will, Apple is inevitable. First computer I ever bought was the Macintosh II – I’m not a programmer, so command line interfaces always intimidated me a bit. I bought into the Apple design ethos wholeheartedly – the ghost in that machine was one that I talked to too. But what if it was a ghost I didn’t like? That whole integrated systems approach has definite drawbacks for people who like to tinker under the hood.
Case in point: The Apple power supply. They go out frequently. I must go through three power supplies every year. And they would be a simple matter to fix if you could just figure out a simple way to bore through the heavy plastic case in which they’re entombed. But you can’t. So you always end up having to order another one from Apple or begging one from your friends.
Else?
It’s been a grim couple of days. Weather made a major shift from passably warm to officially cold two days ago and the first snowfall is scheduled for later this afternoon. Gets dark at 6:00 pm; gets light at 7:00 am. I hate that. My bed is cozy but my house is not, so I find myself wanting to go to bed at 9:00 pm. Now. I’ve always gone to bed early, but the thing is I used to get up early, was really productive in those hours just before dawn. I’ve lost that ability. Or maybe just misplaced it. I stay in bed because when I'm asleep, everything is okay. I wake each morning from a safe space into a world that's lonely, bitterly cold and unnurturing. I have absolutely no confidence in my own abilities to do anything these days, and have no idea how I’m going to survive. Seriously. For the first time it’s beginning to dawn on me: Maybe I won’t.
Well.
I produced two remarkable children.
Maybe that’s all I was ever intended to do. Maybe I was just a conduit for DNA, and there’s absolutely nothing else I can contribute to the universe. See, I always take no for the answer.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-10-27 04:12 pm (UTC)I wish I was in a better position to do something to help you.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-27 04:21 pm (UTC)I gotta get myself in a better position to help myself.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-27 04:26 pm (UTC)Maybe you should dump your son on his father and come and live in one of my spare bedrooms . . . but see, that can only happen after my husband moves out . . . and I have no idea when that will happen . . . ugh!
A and I were talking about you the other day and were wondering whether your son is a senior in high school this year, and also what his plans are regarding college? In other words, for how long are YOU tied to the place you're living?
no subject
Date: 2011-10-27 04:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-27 04:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-27 04:50 pm (UTC)Absolutely not.
After he graduates from high school, I figure I've done my duty and can reclaim my life. Parental guilt issues are very complex. I have tried and failed many times to get him to live with his father. But I think he knows that if he did, I'd be outa here really fast and he's not ready for that. So...
Chin Up, Girl.
Date: 2011-10-27 04:13 pm (UTC)Re: Chin Up, Girl.
Date: 2011-10-27 04:31 pm (UTC)But that's always been an issue with Apple products. They're a self-contained universe. I'm perfectly happy inside that universe, of course. But I can see its limitations. Like the G4 I own now has command line options, but for the longest time no Apple computer did. And if I was a coder, and wanted to make my computer do my tricks, I would have gone with a PC.
Yeah, I have many more job options in the Bay Area. Plus people who love me. Survival's always been one of my skill sets -- I had a really unsavory childhood that I think the majority of people would not have survived. But I'm feeling really beaten down now. Hopefully, that'll pass.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-27 11:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-29 01:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-30 09:52 pm (UTC)I relate to this so unbearably much. I love how you say things, and that IS a gift - to me, to your readers.
I haven't produced any children and I'm left to wonder why I was allowed to waste time on this planet. Just another entity using up precious resources.
no subject
Date: 2011-11-01 04:19 pm (UTC)I suppose my compulsive need to testify is my tit for tat for all those resources I'm using. :-)