How I Saved the Menu at Serendipity 3

[mallorys_camera]

Reuben and I spent our last tutoring session trying to track down one of these…

It’s a pipette used for harvesting (gulp) duck semen. I don’t even want to think about what he does to get the male ducks to ejaculate.

Reuben, you see, is a professional duck inseminator – no, he’s not the only one on planet Earth: There’s another one working out of Switzerland.

Still, I suppose you could call it an -- um -- elite profession.

The farm he works on prepares duck paté for expensive restaurants up and down the Atlantic Coast. They also make fois gras. They also raise exotic chickens with black feet that are all the culinary rage in Chinese restaurants.

Yes, yes, we have discussed the animal rights aspects of fois gras, those poor geese with their feet trapped in wooden boxes so they can’t move and a feeding tube jammed down their throats. And no, I’m not being facetious – I feel a genuine shiver of horror when I think of that, that the great miracle of life should be so conscripted, that any creature that feels pain should be tortured that way.

But Reuben comes from a very different tradition.

The Sanctity of Life tradition is a Western doctrine. One might argue convincingly that it made its first documented appearance in the pages of the New Testament – relatively late, in other words. I don’t know enough about philosophy or anthropology to understand anything about its antecedents. But it was a truly revolutionary concept.

For most of the world, however, human life is not particularly important so why should the lives of creatures lower on the food chain have any significance at all?

El Salvador is technically in the West but I think those hearty prehistoric Tibetans who first made their way across the Bering land bridge have far more influence on their descendents’ attitudes than the sugary veneer of Christianity.

“You know, the way they make fois gras is really cruel,” I tell Reuben. “Those poor geese!”

Reuben shrugs. “Is very good, fois gras. You put some between two pieces of piña, how you say –“

“Pineapple.”

“Pineapple. “ He kisses the tips of his fingers. “Heaven.”

So anyway, Reuben is down to his last three duck semen pipettes. He’s looking for more. We spent an hour and a half searching through online veterinary and laboratory supply catalogs. Nada. Finally, I said, “You know, you should call up the Corning Museum of Glass. They have glass blowers on staff there. You could probably bring in a piece and commission more.”

So thanks to moi, those diners at overpriced NYC restaurants can continue to pig out on hotdogs stuffed with the livers of tortured geese.

We spent the last half hour discussing Osama bin Laden’s capture.

“So, what do you think?” Reuben asked me. “Why they not take him alive?”

“I think they would have gotten into a bidding war with The Hague,” I said. “’He’s my war criminal!’ ‘No, he’s my war criminal!’”

Reuben laughed. “Is very stupid not to take him alive. In my country? No one believe he dead.”

I remembered how shocked I’d been by all the You Go, Osama! Teeshirts I saw on my 2002 trip to Guatemala.

“Was Osama popular in El Salvador?”

Reuben shrugged. “Lot of people don’t like the US. And if they’re going to kill him, it’s stupid not to keep the body.”

“Oh, they had to get rid of the body,” I said. “Otherwise it would become a destination gravesite. Graceland for Muslims. What happens next do you think? Will I ever be able to bring shampoo on a plane flight ever again?”

Reuben smiled cynically. “Things get worse. They always do. The US gets more and more unpopular. But you know, when people have to spy on each other, it makes jobs. So maybe unemployment goes down.”

Comments

[starlight-pf.livejournal.com]

I agree with Reuben. It was unfortunate to dispose of the body that quickly.

Otherwise, I'm VERY happy the fucker's dead even though I'm pretty much alone with that view. My eyes have been rolling so much these past few days over some things I read in opur stupid media or heard people utter, that I almost can't look straight anymore.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Oh, you won't find any disagreement from me on that one! I'm glad the cowardly fucker is dead too. It's sickening to target civilians.

[anais-pf.livejournal.com]

What a fascinating set of topics for discussion, and what a brilliant solution to the duck semen pipette problem. I've never heard of eating foie gras with pineapple; that sounds interesting. Then again, I don't eat foie gras.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I couldn't bring myself to eat foi gras for anything.

[anais-pf.livejournal.com]

I'm with you. Except I vaguely remember that I ate some by accident once, when it was included in a dinner I didn't quite understand because the menu was in a foreign language in a foreign country. It was not particularly wonderful tasting.

[katestine.livejournal.com]

It's usually served in fancy restaurants with some sort of fruit relish, so pineapple seems pretty do-able, although maybe a little too sweet?

[robby.livejournal.com]

The US intelligence community considered the Bin Laden death scenario very carefully, in advance, and I believe they handled it well. Dumping the body at sea, and not releasing pictures, all serves our purposes. Let our enemies wonder if we killed Osama as we use the data pulled from Bin Laden's computers to kill more terrorists.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I'm not shedding any tears over the fucker's death but the reports that are coming out now depict an unarmed man who was in the process of surrendering. I don't think that serves America particularly well, especially in the Middle East.

[robby.livejournal.com]

I haven't read an account that claims he was surrendering. How many innocents hostages would have been taken and killed by jihadists as Bin Laden was being held for trial?
Two bullets and then being dumped in the sea was the quickest and cleanest way to end his miserable life.

[starlight-pf.livejournal.com]

"How many innocents hostages would have been taken and killed by jihadists as Bin Laden was being held for trial?"

This is exactly the point I've been trying to make with my stupid brainwashed relatives for the past two days.

[robby.livejournal.com]

It would have been a bloodbath.

[lethe1]

That's exactly why I'm glad they didn't take him alive too.

[platofish.livejournal.com]

Feel good soon.

[bandicoot.livejournal.com]

I'm just relieved that Reuben isn't an amateur duck inseminator. That would be creepy ;p

[Stupid tags ...]

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I'm with you on the creepituide of amateur inseminators of anything

[slfisher.livejournal.com]

There was a fair amount of talk a year or two back about duck penises and so on; turns out they're corkscrew, and so are the females, which makes it harder for them to rape. The farm that studied this is not far from where Andrew lives, and we've been planning a pilgrimage out there for some time. Probably happen this summer.