(no subject)

[mallorys_camera]

What I’m remembering this morning is something I haven’t had to think about for 18 years, which is that I’ve always had a tendency towards obsessive attachment. Has to do with having been abandoned by my father at a tender age, I suppose.

Thing is I could be lying next to Ben in my bed in that post-coital swaddle, breathing in his breath, feeling his wet on my thigh, and I would still feel this hollowness, this absolute tilt because it’s me, not the situation: there’s a little girl sitting in a corner crying, “Come back to me please. Come back, come back…”

How do you shut that little girl up? I’ve tried ignoring her. I’ve tried throttling her.

Bad day yesterday. Ben got me in to see The King’s Speech – very sweet movie – and gifted me with a tub of free popcorn, but only exchanged a few cursory sentences with me as I left the theater. What is this, fucking high school? says the voice in my head. Who cares? But evidently I cared because I fell into a deep funk which even made tutoring Ruben a chore. How to describe that feeling? It is itchy, it is edgy. It makes me want explode.

Before Ruben arrives I find myself telling Katie who tutors Ruben’s brother an abbreviated version of the events of the last year. “— so my Little Store went down the tubes. And then six months later my husband of seventeen years leaves me for his 4-H club girlfriend from 35 years ago. I mean, what a cliché, right? Like he could turn back the clock and be 18 again.”

“That is quite a year,” says Katie. “You know, you should give yourself a lot of credit for continuing to be functional through all of that. Seriously. You are one strong human being. I’m not sure I’d be functional.”

Went to pick up Robin afterwards for the ride back up the hill, and there he was standing at Sunoco talking to his father. “How did you get out of work?” I ask.

“Oh, I made a mistake with my schedule,” Ben laughs. “I’m working tomorrow night, not tonight.”

“You want a ride back up the hill?”

“No thanks. Jayne’s at the Red Cross till 9. I’ll ride up with her.”

And this evidence of their couple status throws me into a deeper fury. Fuck you, I want to scream. How could you leave me for someone who has no sense of humor, who’s not as smart as me, who’s not as pretty as me –

Irrational to an alarming degree. This is a guy who did me an enormous favor in leaving me, right? Who behaved like a psychopath for the entire 17 years we were together. Why my monkey mind wants to keep turning it into a grievance is a great mystery – I have bills to pay (a whopping $400 NYSEG bill that I’d paid only that morning), I have romantic prospects lined up. Let it go, let it go, let it go –

But I can’t.

“Tell your girlfriend she better set up another time for us to meet,” I say.

He makes that what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you face. “Hello! She didn’t leave the house for two days. She was home sick with a cold. I guess you weren’t a priority.”

“Just tell her,” I say and drive off.

And on the drive home I can feel myself tilting farther and farther and farther. You know there’s a moment when it’s absolutely within your power to stop the feeling, stop the behavior. With all madness, it’s very much a choice – at least up to a certain point…

So the question really is: why am I choosing to feel this way? What’s my pay-off?

Dunno.

I think Max is right. I really can't see him anymore.

Comments

[old-cutter-john.livejournal.com]

Yep! That's the work you need to do! And you're doing it!

Here (http://nickykaa.com/Oasis/maybe-its-you.html)'s a classic little essay by nickykaa, currently incorporated in The Veiled Oasis (http://nickykaa.com/Oasis/the-veiled-oasis.html), for your contemplation.

[alumiere.livejournal.com]

I understand a lot of what you're going through although my failed disaster only lasted about 12 years. It got easier for me with time (although I also moved 3000 miles away), but I know I have no desire to see him ever. Some guys aren't worth the effort we put into them.

[(Anonymous)]

"How do you shut that little girl up? I’ve tried ignoring her. I’ve tried throttling her."

Thank her.

[ch.livejournal.com]

I think Max is right. I really can't see him anymore.

granted i have no standing, but i my arm char advice some time ago was that.

“You know, you should give yourself a lot of credit for continuing to be functional through all of that."

indeed.

take care, p.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I remember your advice in fact.

It's a type of mental illness. I recognize that in fact, but cannot cure myself, nor am I able to afford a therapist who could help cure me just at present.