Limerance Fifteen Years Before Plus the History of Forgetting

[mallorys_camera]

So. Fifteen years ago I was in-love – in limerance, crushing, hot for, what have you – with an extraordinarily intelligent, dazzlingly sensitive and – yes, Virginia! – literate man named R__ who also just happened to look like Gabriel Byrne. He worked out of LA where I had lots of business dealings. In those days I was running the People Magazine website – which had no cred whatsoever this being the Internet Cretaceous – trying to figure out a way to lure real live movie starts to interact with their 10 or 12 fans who actually knew what 300 baud modems were and owned one. R__ was a successful unit publicist with an impressive resume. He’d just finished working on Gladiator and had the most entertaining stories of chaperoning a very drunken Oliver Reed around Rome. It was Oliver Reed’s last film, alas!

We were both strangers in LA – I suppose that’s why we liked to meet up. He lived in Ithaca, New York where he was married to an extraordinarily beautiful but exacting woman – M_______ – with whom he had two sons, C____ and S__. C____ was blind – there was a story attached to that which I can’t remember now.

I visited M_______ and R__ as a couple whenever I went back east to visit my mother-in-law, usually twice year, on holidays. (Nancy lived in upstate New York, maybe 30 miles away from Ithaca.) M_______ hated LA, flatly refused to live there and that meant R__ spent 9 months a year away from home. It was always strange, seeing him outside LA.

We would eat in Mexican and Thai places on the wrong side of Melrose, have long rambling conversations fueled by wine, exchange long rambling emails in between meetings and one night we had The Conversation.

I really wanted to sleep with him but couldn’t imagine he was coming on to me. And maybe he wasn’t. But maybe he was. I was very unhappy with B. What I didn’t see, what I blinded myself to, was how unhappy he was with M_______. M_______ – so crisp, so capable, so no-nonsense – was the exact opposite of me. I figured that made her the perfect woman. Why would he choose me over the perfect woman?

I got a long, rambling Xmas card from M_______ two years ago. Long story short – they’d divorced, he’d remarried.

Which of course made me wonder, Wow! If I’d had an affair with him would he have married me?

All of which resurfaced this morning I just got a note from him on Facebook (where else?) Not a long, rambling note. A short cheerful note with a Friend request. Huh and huh…

In other news, B told me this morning, “You know, I think it’s pathological that you haven’t told any of your friends you’re closing the store.”

“I’m not going to tell them when I leave California either,” I said. “They’ll look for me and I’ll be gone. Poof!”

B shook his head in disgust. “Why would you do a thing like that?”

“Well, I’ll keep the same cell phone number.”

“That’s just so wrong.”

“Why?” I asked. “Nobody really cares when bad things happen to other people. Oh, they may pretend to care. At first. You know. Because it’s such a blast pretending to be empathetic and supportive. But they don’t care. Not really. I think after he helps us move the store stuff into storage, I’m going to cut Max off too. He’s on an upward trajectory. It’s just going to bring him down to have a crazy, loser mother.”

I suppose it is sick and pathological. But it’s what I'm feeling in the present moment. I want to reinvent myself without this failure. I don’t want to be around anybody who knows what hopes and dreams I had for the Little Store, who feels sorry for me for ever having had those hopes and dreams.

I got lost in Marina yesterday, passed an Asian market, had to get out and explore. And wandering around that strange little store where every item on the shelves was a peculiar tint of pink or green or orange or sage, all the signage, glyphs or pictograms, I felt happy, I felt free, like the only history I had was the history of forgetting…

Comments

[bel-ebat.livejournal.com]

i did this when i was transferring out of texas tech. all through the last weeks of school/finals in december when i'd run into people and be at my sorority meetings and they'd say, "have a good vacation!" i'd say, "you too, see you in january!" and smile broadly. i even went so far as to mention hypothetical plans for the spring semester to individuals.

i gained tremendous satisfaction from it. but of course- i'd hated the place all along. i also just think leaving a place is awkward for everyone- why burden acquaintances with having to come up with a response and yourself with having to smile through it?

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Yep. And putting up with those awkward "Oh, let's stay in touch"'s.

There's a history in my family of people who suddenly vanish so the archetype has always been strangely compelling to me. I probably won't do it -- it's somewhat irresponsible and hurtful to those who love you. But it is tempting.

[quiet-life.livejournal.com]

it is like sickness, this being so wounded, that seems to suck all the energy out. makes a person want to hide away. it doesn't feel like there is anything to spare for sharing, talking, or just being social with friends, wrt to the old framework, anyway.

(that's the way i remember experiencing it, anyhow)

there is the option of telling perhaps one of those friends- someone who can pass the news to the rest, to save you the emotional strain.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Oh, it would be hurtful to the people who love me to just suddenly vanish. Hurtful and irresponsible -- lashing out at the wrong people. You're right, though -- I feel like a wounded animal. Wounded and ashamed -- though really I didn't make this economy. If I could just sleep I'd feel better.

[wailaki.livejournal.com]

The Wheel of Fortune in the Tarot is all about new beginnings. The ending of the past is necessary before the next, new phase can begin. I am going through much the same thing, though in a far different way as you are, so I am curious about your next step. It feels like the card of The Fool, stepping off of a cliff. The Leap of Faith. Hoping like hell that The Powers That Be (who- or what-ever the hell they are) will be there to catch you when you land. Exhilarating, scary, and in the end, necessary. Shedding that which is outworn, like the snake, in order to emerge clean and new with whatever is still at the core (hopefully) intact. Are you leaving CA for good? Whatever you do next, I am happy to hear of the writing.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what I'm going to do, Alta. I know I want to finish the memoir. California is in very bad shape -- unemployment stats rival Detroit. The drought is absolutely gonna wallop central CA where I live now, so there's no upside to staying here. B is doing his circus thing in 2 weeks and I am seriously considering giving most of my stuff away, putting the rest in storage and going with him. Living in the RV for nine months, traveling around. I'm really not in any mental shape to look for a job -- assuming there are jobs to be had which is a longshot right now. Everything is very up in the air.

How come you don't write anymore?

[nokomisjeff.livejournal.com]

So, What's your game plan? I hope ir works.I will s little prayer in your honor.

Been Doing a lot of prayers these days as Denise;s Annivertsr1 is coming up.

This time no Paris, no bulls in span just ending in Hawauum where ai will d=call home vase.

Jeff

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I don't know what my game plan is, Jeff. I know I want to finish my book.

Were you drunk when you wrote the above? :-) Very, er, unusual spelling.

[nokomisjeff.livejournal.com]

Actually, I'm sorry about that post as it was very inconsiderate and insulting to you to post that. I was pretty drunk, having spent about 5 hours at Pelican Alley's bar after the close. I seem to be self medicating about twice a week these days,


Jeff

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I don't mind! :-) It's that my mental image of you is as someone who's precise. I wish there was something I could do or say to help you feel better but as an invisible playmate who lives in your computer my options are limited. Hawaii will be good for you.

[redcupper.livejournal.com]

And so it ends. Endings and beginnings, a chance to regroup and rethink about what is important. Perhaps, this is the impetus to complete your memoir. I look forward to the telling, myself. Drink tea or rum and eat Alice B. Toklas brownies!

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Toklas brownies sound good right about now, I must say. Although my kids are my only connections, and somehow I think it's irresponsible to hit them up. I'll see what I can do on that end.

[mallemaroking.livejournal.com]

big changes. It does seem like a good time for you to take as much a break from responsibilities as you can for a while. You've been through a large amount of stress and need to regroup. I very much hope you finish your book. I have no doubt it will be an interesting read.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Well, thank you. I'm 15,000 words in -- which takes the project out of the realm of stuff-I'm-dicking-around-with and into the realm of project. We shall see.