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mallorys_cameraThank God for xanax and the Millionaire Matchmaker. Here’s the thing about the Millionaire Matchmaker on xanax: you can watch the same episode five times in a row – trust me, I did – and each time something richer, subtler, more meaningful reveals itself. Patty herself, of course, is a real dog, would never pass her own muster as Millionaire Date Bait. This supplies the pathos.
If only xanax could be added to all municipal water supplies and Millionaire Matchmaker took over Morning Joe’s slot on MSNBC, the world would be a better place. Just sayin’.
While we’re talking pathos, _____’s mom finally decided to call me last night. To say the least I was not in the mood but man, that lady can ramble. And ramble. And ramble. Once again I was struck dumb with admiration for _____ that he’s survived this woman at all albeit in a highly damaged state. It’s a real testimony to the human will to survive.
She was… altered when she called to me. Drunk? High? Who knows? And therefore I was treated to her entire life story, very little of which had to do with her son.
“Michelle,” I kept saying. “Michelle. Let’s talk about _____. What is going to happen to him?”
Oh, she was going to get him out of my hair the very next day! They had friends! There was an aunt in Half Moon Bay! Ensues a ten minute digression into how said aunt had managed to wrest a house away from Michelle even though on his death bed Papa John specifically said to her, “Take care of Michelle” – very Bleak House.
“Oh, Michelle,” I said. “What hardships you’ve had to endure. And how brave you are in the face of them. Now, about _____ –“
The aunt would have to take him! For a little bit, only while Michelle was getting her shit together because you know she broke her wrist, couldn’t work –
“In Half Moon Bay? Michelle, are you sure? Seems to me that what _____ is really suffering from is a lack of stability. I mean, I’m not his mom obviously but he’s been moved around so much –“
Yes, he had and the little rat had finally agreed to go to counseling but in the mean time Michelle had been caring for her husband’s sick and Alzheimer-ridden parents until that wretched woman, The Aunt, stepped in, threw her out of the house, and her husband – _____'s father – died a protracted, painful death when an anal fistula decided to metamorphose into colon cancer –
That threw me. The story I’d always heard about _____'s father’s death was that he got shot during an armed robbery of a grocery store. He’d thrown himself between the robber’s gun and an innocent bystander.
Poor _____! Trying to turn this most unheroic of deaths into something epic. I can just imagine that 12 year old boy sitting by his father’s bedside, watching the shit drip out of cavities in the old man’s body that nature never made, smelling it – The revulsion. The guilt. The fear.
There is an older brother who somehow managed to make it out alive and now goes to UCSB. I wonder for a second whether he might be enlisted in the Save the Child campaign. B pried the story out of Robin: “He has nothing to do with the rest of the family, he’s totally written them off.” Who would blame him? But I remember something Max said to me a few years back when I was struggling alone with Robin, “Mom – I’m not Dave Eggers –“
When I got off the phone, nothing had been decided.
But Robin told me this morning, “Mom, you’re _____'s new favorite adult. He does not want to go to half Moon Bay.”
If only xanax could be added to all municipal water supplies and Millionaire Matchmaker took over Morning Joe’s slot on MSNBC, the world would be a better place. Just sayin’.
While we’re talking pathos, _____’s mom finally decided to call me last night. To say the least I was not in the mood but man, that lady can ramble. And ramble. And ramble. Once again I was struck dumb with admiration for _____ that he’s survived this woman at all albeit in a highly damaged state. It’s a real testimony to the human will to survive.
She was… altered when she called to me. Drunk? High? Who knows? And therefore I was treated to her entire life story, very little of which had to do with her son.
“Michelle,” I kept saying. “Michelle. Let’s talk about _____. What is going to happen to him?”
Oh, she was going to get him out of my hair the very next day! They had friends! There was an aunt in Half Moon Bay! Ensues a ten minute digression into how said aunt had managed to wrest a house away from Michelle even though on his death bed Papa John specifically said to her, “Take care of Michelle” – very Bleak House.
“Oh, Michelle,” I said. “What hardships you’ve had to endure. And how brave you are in the face of them. Now, about _____ –“
The aunt would have to take him! For a little bit, only while Michelle was getting her shit together because you know she broke her wrist, couldn’t work –
“In Half Moon Bay? Michelle, are you sure? Seems to me that what _____ is really suffering from is a lack of stability. I mean, I’m not his mom obviously but he’s been moved around so much –“
Yes, he had and the little rat had finally agreed to go to counseling but in the mean time Michelle had been caring for her husband’s sick and Alzheimer-ridden parents until that wretched woman, The Aunt, stepped in, threw her out of the house, and her husband – _____'s father – died a protracted, painful death when an anal fistula decided to metamorphose into colon cancer –
That threw me. The story I’d always heard about _____'s father’s death was that he got shot during an armed robbery of a grocery store. He’d thrown himself between the robber’s gun and an innocent bystander.
Poor _____! Trying to turn this most unheroic of deaths into something epic. I can just imagine that 12 year old boy sitting by his father’s bedside, watching the shit drip out of cavities in the old man’s body that nature never made, smelling it – The revulsion. The guilt. The fear.
There is an older brother who somehow managed to make it out alive and now goes to UCSB. I wonder for a second whether he might be enlisted in the Save the Child campaign. B pried the story out of Robin: “He has nothing to do with the rest of the family, he’s totally written them off.” Who would blame him? But I remember something Max said to me a few years back when I was struggling alone with Robin, “Mom – I’m not Dave Eggers –“
When I got off the phone, nothing had been decided.
But Robin told me this morning, “Mom, you’re _____'s new favorite adult. He does not want to go to half Moon Bay.”
