Serreptitious Reading Plus Historically Accurate Sex

[mallorys_camera]

Robin ran out of things to read yesterday so he cruised on down to the library. He ran into some pals. When he showed up back at the house two hours later, he was empty handed.

"I thought you said you wanted to take out some books."

"I do. The library closes at five on Sundays, right? I'll go back down around 4:30."

"Why didn't you take the books out when you were just down there?"

Robin widened his eyes. "Oh, Mom. C'mon. No. I mean – I don't want my friends to know that I read. They'd think I was a jerk."

He was serious.

I've run out of books to read too, but my insane schedule doesn't allow for library trips. So instead thanks to the Bea Tea Faerie I've been doing total immersion in cable television. The latest dunk: Showtime's The Tudors which is vastly entertaining but filled with so many historical inaccuracies it sets my teeth on edge.

To wit:

(1) They cast Jonathan Rhys Meyers as Henry VIII. He's not bad. In fact, he's good – he does this sudden quirky widening of his blue, blue eyes during the credits that's really sort of amazing. He may actually look like the youthful Henry who history tells us was a young man of prodigious appetites, handsome and athletic.
Henry VIII grew fat after he injured his leg in a jousting accident. He couldn't exercise after the accident, though he continued to eat.

I can buy the uber-handsome Rhys Meyers as a youthful Henry, but see the fateful jousting accident takes place in the first or second episode of the series. And Henry does not grow fat! Henry remains slim and aquiline. And this is just wrong.

(2) Anne Boleyn did not have blue eyes. Nor was she particularly young when she took up with Henry.

(3) Cardinal Woolsey was not a suicide. He died of natural causes on his way to London where he was to be tried for treason.

(4) Okay – don't read this if you're under 18. There are a lot of sex scenes in The Tudors. Its one line summation might be: Blowjobs – they're not just for modernists.

The sex scenes mostly show Henry copulating with his various mistresses. He fucks like the proverbial stallion, thrusting and bucking. I mean, maybe guys fucked like that in the 16th century. But I doubt it. My own personal experiences – ahem! – lead me to believe that uncircumcised men don't fuck like that. The heads of their penises are a lot more sensitive than circumcised men's and it actually hurts them to use a woman's cervix as a battering ram. As the historical Henry VIII was uncut, I very much doubt his sexual style was as shown and wonder which of the executive producers projected himself into the action this way.

Comments

[nihilistic-kid.livejournal.com]

Robin ran out of things to read yesterday so he cruised on down to the library. He ran into some pals. When he showed up back at the house two hours later, he was empty handed.

"I thought you said you wanted to take out some books."

"I do. The library closes at five on Sundays, right? I'll go back down around 4:30."

"Why didn't you take the books out when you were just down there?"

Robin widened his eyes. "Oh, Mom. C'mon. No. I mean – I don't want my friends to know that I read. They'd think I was a jerk."

Jerk? Not queer?

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Heh. That too, probably.

[franzi1981.livejournal.com]

Got here via a friend. Regarding The Tudors:

(1) No, the jousting accident that was shown was the one where Henry VIII almost lost an eye, not the one where he injured his leg. Different accidents! He did a lot of jousting etc for a long time after that.

(3) That's what I said - before I saw the follow-up scenes. They were told to cover it up. So, you know, it could have happened that way. We may never know.

(4) Jonathan Rhys Meyers is uncircumcised. One would think he knows how he fucks girls. Different people, different bodies and all that.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Jonathan Rhys Meyers is uncircumcised

So many people emailed about this! ;-)

Yes, I would presume Rhys Meyers knows how to fuck girls. My guess, though, is that the sex scenes are highly choreographed according to the series' writers' ideas of how Henry VIII might copulate & less informed by Mr. Rhys Meyers' own preferences.

But you are right, of course: different people, different bodies, different styles.

[franzi1981.livejournal.com]

My guess, though, is that the sex scenes are highly choreographed according to the series' writers' ideas of how Henry VIII might copulate & less informed by Mr. Rhys Meyers' own preferences.

Hm, I wouldn't be that sure, as actors have the right (and use it) to say "no, that doesn't work" ;)

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Good point.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

The jousting accident that injured him was 1536.

Oh, okay! Thanks for that info. That makes me feel better about a young, handsome Henry VII.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers is uncut,

I can't tell you how many people emailed me this and naturally I am dying to know how you all know! :-)

But seriously -- I think Rhys Meyers' performance is heavily informed by the series' writers' conception of Henry VIII, and not necessarily by his own preferences. But yes, you're right -- different people have different styles & tastes, and it's all good, and generalizations are odious.

[misslam2u.livejournal.com]

Generalizations are odious, but very interesting to read, m'dear!

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Well, thank you! I live to amuse!

[lethe1]

I'm prosaically guessing he did a full frontal in one of his films.


How times have changed. When I was a kid, the local library was our hang-out. But come to think of it, I do believe there were only girls in our group.

[asknosecrets.livejournal.com]

He's done full-frontal in at least 2 films - The Governess, and Tangled. There might be more, I can only think of those off the top of my head. I'll Sleep When I'm Dead doesn't really count, it's in the dark. He's very much not shy about getting his kit off! (See: The Tudors, Velvet Goldmine, and various other exhibitions of naked arse.)

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Ah! Apart from The Tudors, I've only ever seen him in Bend It Like Beckham. He's a handsome man! I may have to track down one of the full frontal flix. Thanks!

[lethe1]

Ha, I've only watched Bend It Like Beckham and Match Point so far. Still haven't seen Velvet Goldmine, it's been on my films-to-watch list for ages.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

And also I'd imagine the Netherlands is much more sophisticated than the States.

[melyanna-65.livejournal.com]

Jonathan Rhys Meyers is uncut,

I can't tell you how many people emailed me this and naturally I am dying to know how you all know!

Sorry to intrude, I'm a huge JRM's fan and I found your entry very interesting.

About your curiousity, you can easily check yourself, since Jonathan appeared in all his glory (thanks God!) in several movies, like "The Governess", "Tangled", "The Tribe" and even in "Titus" (if you can find the old (not widescreen) version) and there's a blurry scene in "Velvet Goldmine" too, but you have to look very closely, zoom and stop at the right point.

All right, it's suddenly getting hot here!

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Yes, somebody emailed me a link to one of the glorious photographs. What an amazingly handsome man!

[wailaki.livejournal.com]

I have a tottering stack of books you would like, and will mail them to you if you give me an address. Little store? My email is fogdrippress at hotmail.com.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Oh, you would be earning major brownie points in heaven if you did that. I think we have similar tastes too...

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