Sub-Clinical Narcissism: Because It's All About ME!

[mallorys_camera]

I slept in till 6:45am this morning. When the Revolution comes, I will be the firing squad's first target.

Also, somebody took a picture of me I can actually bear to look at:



Vanity, vanity, all is… etcetera. I'm less vain than many women I know my age. I'm a product of Berkeley's feminist movement after all. I would never consider plastic surgery or Botox, even if I could afford them. The cycle of life is just that – a cycle. And it seems to me that if you try to prolong one phase of that cycle by artificial means, you throw the rhythm off. It's like writing a bad sentence that throws you out of your own narrative.

Which is not to say that one ought not to exercise, get plenty of sleep, slop goo one one's face nightly, practice pulling one's lower lip over one's upper lip and then thrusting one's tongue out on long car rides etc. etc.

The thing is I was so heart-stoppingly beautiful for so long. It was like having a super-power: I could manipulate people with it. Of course the social contract is such that I would pretend I was not manipulating them, and they would pretend they were not being manipulated. But it was what it was.

Old age confers another super-power – invisibility.

I'm not unhappy with it. I actually prefer being invisible. By nature I'm the stranger at the party. True, I'm a world-class schmoozer, but left to my own devices I prefer to detach myself so I can observe and analyze.

Still every reminder that I was once hyper-visible tends to make me fret. I look at photos of myself with complete horror – wow! look at that crepe neck and girlfriend, you could pack lunch for six hungry Teamsters and Jimmy Hoffa in those bags under your eyes etc etc

But I like this photo a lot. I look my age, but I look good. Maybe it was because I was so happy that day, Cody's wedding and all.

Comments

[cake-o-rama.livejournal.com]

Stunning. Wow. I find myself wondering sometimes what I'd aim for...looks-wise, as I've gotten older, it's easy when you're young. Now I know.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Sleep and exercise are the real keys, I do believe. Also I think whoever said, "After 40 you have to choose between your face & your body" was spot on -- I'm chubbier than I used to be, but if I weren't i suspect my face would look very gaunt and Elvira-esque.

[wailaki.livejournal.com]

I know that feeling. Looking at old photos of myself always shocks me. Back then, I took beauty for granted, like so much else. At 61, I am kind of enjoying invisibility, though. So much less drama. BTW, you look gorgeous in that photo.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Don't I though? Trust me, I don't look all that good most of the time. And I know what you mean about those old photos and invisibility.

[eleanor.livejournal.com]

I've never seen a picture of you as a younger women, but you're stunning now.

Here's the thing: I was never, ever heart-stoppingly beautiful. Cute. Attractive. Quirky, But not heart-stopping. I've noticed that my incredibly beautiful friends have had a harder time with the aging process than the ones like me, the merely cute; I never expected anything for my looks and as I get older I'm seldom disappointed.

I think that however a person defines herself, it's hard to distance oneself from that thing.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

It is hard to distance oneself from such things however one may disapprove intellectually of fretting over such superficialities.

PS:

[eleanor.livejournal.com]

I wish I could wear that color!

Re: PS:

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Fuscia and redheads...

I can't wear green. Makes my skin look really corpsey.

Re: PS:

[eleanor.livejournal.com]

There is no human ocloring that can wear both fuschia and green, although I've seen people try!

[fallen-x-ashes.livejournal.com]

Wow! You are really beautiful.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

What a nice thing to say. Thanks!

[cat-herder.livejournal.com]

Nice photo!

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

It is! A rare thing.

[pageeater.livejournal.com]

I guess I'm finally reaping the benefits of never being beautiful. I don't notice that much diffference in power, but I do feel the invisibility factor. At first it was a shock. Now I'm used to it. Do I like it? No, not much - but there ya go. I'm also a woman who doesn't believe it stepping out of my cycle zone. btw, you look lovely to me.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I kind of wish I hadn't been beautiful, actually. Too much drama. There were so many other things I should have been paying attention to.

[a1icey.livejournal.com]

i am by no means agreeing with you but i saw this and thought you might like it:

http://community.livejournal.com/theysaid/866769.html

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Wow. That is an amazing poem.