Swiss Chard Not Kale. Duh.

[mallorys_camera]

Xena tried to kill me yesterday.

I was making a tricky left turn on to the little cul de sac where I stash the van for the dogs' beach outings when she decided to scamper over and plop down on the gas pedal.

It was very scary. I am not known for my quick physical reflexes.

We all survived but I was freaked out.

Then when we got home, I got even more freaked out: the latest copy of my credit report was waiting in my mailbox. My credit score is a dreadful: [mystery number goes here]. Only [mystery percentage goes here] of Americans have credit worse than mine.

Of course, sans cash or generous benefactors, I financed my little business completely on my own. I had a modest amount of cash to sink into it but mostly what I had was credit.

I don't know what else I could have done really. No one wanted to hire me. I hhad to hire myself.

The real bitch is I have been paying those fuckers back. I resist the siren call of the debt consolidators though every day they send me more horrific emails:

If there is a hell on earth, you're living in it.
You go to work while the phone rings over and over with collection calls. Stacks of unopened bills cover your desk and any open space. You can't pay them and you can't throw them away. You're paralyzed.

Your voicemail box is filled with collection calls you won't return.
Why? Because you can't pay them what they want. You tried explaining your situation, but they're not listening.

Your world is falling apart, piece by piece.
You can't afford to fix broken equipment, computers keep crashing, and you can't afford the things you need to run your business. Your credit cards are maxed out. It feels like you're living just above the poverty line. You're worried you might not make it.

You feel like you're letting everyone down.
Vacations, birthdays, holidays, they're all gone. Your friends never see you anymore. You're trapped inside your business, barely talking to anyone. You feel cut off and alone.

No one understands how much pain you're in.
No matter how hard you work to get ahead, everything keeps getting worse. You hate being talked down to. You hate being treated like a criminal.

You're losing customers.
Your debts are draining the life out of you. You don't have the energy to chase down new business. If you're evicted, some customers may panic and stop doing business with you.

SLOW Burn is sinking fast.
You can tread water, hoping somehow your luck will get better in the next month. Then what? Lawsuits could be filed. No money to survive. You can't afford to stay where you are. Assets could be seized. You gasp for air until the debts pull you and SLOW Burn down for good.

Imagine SLOW Burn closed forever.
What will you do? If your savings have already been spent on the business, what will you live on?

We help smaller businesses like SLOW Burn keep their independence.
Corporate Turnaround has helped thousands of business owners get out of debt and get on with their lives. We've successfully settled over 25,000 debts with creditors, collection agencies, attorneys, including lawsuits, even judgments; all within an affordable budget. In many cases, we've had creditors walk away from the debt entirely. Whether you're a "Mom and Pop" business, a franchisee, work from home or have a large factory with a board of directors, we can help.

Our best clients survived the worst times.
We recently had a client who was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He was afraid he wouldn't live another year. He had to deal with his business debt, collection calls, medical bills and the possibility of losing his life. We were able to get his business out of debt. He's in better health and recently became the father of a baby girl.

Our success is nationally known and respected.
Our clients' successes have been profiled in the New York Times, Entrepreneur, Forbes, TV and radio across the country. SCORE, a resource partner of the SBA, chose Corporate Turnaround as one of their alliance partners alongside a handful of companies that include The Wall Street Journal and Microsoft. "Small Business Survival Book," written by the CEO of Corporate Turnaround has been endorsed by Steve Forbes.

SLOW Burn will get personal attention.
As soon as you become a client, you will be given your own Advocate who will work with you throughout your time with us. Our Advocates are people who truly understand what you're up against. Many of our clients consider their Advocate family.

You are in way over your head.
Right now, it's hard for you to think clearly. You're starting to forget where you put things. It's taking all your focus just to get through the day. Your creditors are much more focused and prepared. They have teams of collectors and lawyers, ready to move against you. They can hire an attorney in the your area who can sue you in your jurisdiction.

Imagine being sued again and again.
To collection attorneys, you are just a name on a list. Their job is to win. Whether they collect their money from you directly or through an execution or asset seizure, it is just a formality to them. They can start a legal avalanche you may never recover from. If you qualify for our program, we can help them get paid.

Call us right now at 1-800-345-0558.
A Business Debt Specialist will review your situation and discuss some of your options. Our services are designed to be affordable - especially if you have a serious cash flow problem.

You can have Corporate Turnaround handling your biggest problems in the next 7 days.

I especially like how Corporate Turnaround cured that client's brain tumor!

But you know somehow I have it in my stupid little head that deploying the services of corporate vultures to prey on other corporate vultures is a Bad Thing That Lacks Integrity.

Like integrity is important somehow.

So I'm paying the credit cards off. S-l-o-w-l-y, but damn! I am paying them, and I rail how unfair it is that my virtuous and pure behavior is not reflected in a better credit rating.

Concepts like "unfair," naturally catapult me backwards through time. Suddenly I'm eight years old again and being picked last in dodge ball.

So I start to cry. I didn't use those credit cards for 72 inch plasma TVs, you fuckers! I used them to support my family!

I mean, goddamn – why couldn't I be born Jackie Kennedy? Sure, she had a husband assassinated, pieces of brain on her clothes. But it was a Chanel suit!

It's always a trade-off.

Little Store has actually been doing moderately well this year: we're significantly up over last year at this time. So right now really my biggest problem is that I volunteered to make pies for tonight's pre-Turkey Day festivities chez Stew and I can't bake a pie crust to save my soul.

Presently I dry my eyes, glower at Xena, grab my environmentally-correct canvas bag and shuffle off to the Farmers Market for organic apples to fill my defective pie crusts.

The kale was more photogenic than the apples.

Comments

[a1icey.livejournal.com]

that looks like swiss chard. which is delicious and i miss it when i am not home.

Little Store has actually been doing moderately well this year: we're significantly up over last year at this time.

i think you said the exact opposite of this only a few days ago. so maybe you should write this version on a sticky note and put it on your dashboard.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Good idea. First part of November was awfully s-l-o-w so I despaired but then I finished doing the numbers for the year to date.

[a1icey.livejournal.com]

:)

[bandicoot.livejournal.com]

Why stress? Buy a pie crust. Nobody will ever know ;)

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Sigh. I would know.

[misslam2u.livejournal.com]

(Removes white chef's hat) See here, use a frozen pie crust, what are you, some kind of masochist? I mean, everyone should know how to make pate brise, but seriously, family, kids, business, a life? Buy a frozen pie crust for pity's sake. I highly recommend the Marie Calendar's brand. No lard and nice and deep.

Dry your eyes, babydolly. We can go to debtor's prison together. I know it's not funny, it's not funny here either. But just remember, they can't eat you alive. And if it gets too cold, we can always make fire starters with the stacks of collection notices. And it's the retail high season, so don't give up hope, and know in your heart that the people who still have disposable income are looking to spend it and they might as well do it with you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

What are you doing out of bed??? Bad girl. B-a-a-a-d girl.

Not quite in debtors prison yet. January and February will be rough but yes, retail high season is now. You don't do pie crusts with lard? Neither do I actually -- I hate the stuff -- but I haven't quite mastered the art of getting them to stay in one piece when I use butter.

Baad from the first word, but good pie

[misslam2u.livejournal.com]

I'm so fucking uncomfortable I could DIE. Who the HELL would know if I were having epigastric pain, the round ligament pain is so intense.

One word, Crisco. It mimics lard in enough ways without leaving you with a block or tub of the pig fat left over, and Crisco has lots of other uses uses so I just think it's a more useful product to keep in the kitchen, While I can't recommend it for a lot of stuff, it is useful in limited and judicious amounts. I use it for biscuits, pie crust (I think using 3/4 butter 1/4 crisco is plenty, just make sure it's REALLY cold prior to cutting in) to grease cake pans and bread pans. I don't even want to think about working for 5 hours on the perfect loaf of whole wheat bread only to have to dig it out of the pan.

If you are having problems falling apart, it might be too warm, the pie crust I mean, and maybe not enough water. Try an extra teaspoon of water and an extra 20 minutes in the cooler. And when I was being trained by the freaky little French lady in pastry, she even kept her flour cold, everything was cold, utensils, the whole she-bang.

And contrary to our teaching of very little handling (which makes a very tender crust, which falls apart so easily) the French like a technique called fressage, wherein they use the palm of their hand and smear the final dough into fine strands, thoroughly incorporating the fat into the flour and activating the gluten ever so slightly. With very cold product and fast motions, you really only marginally heat up the dough. Use a bench scraper to help you do this. I like this dough for tarts and pies which I want to be able to "stand alone" on a plate. The final crust is stronger, but still delish. And can take a lot more filling and still be pretty, as it will hold a crimp and withstand a par-bake. I usually add an extra tablespoon of sugar to the dough if I intend to fressage.

Like I said, I think every one should be able to do this, if one cares to, but I'm all for a premade frozen pie crust. I mean, what do you want, a medal? The last time I made a crust, I was just showing off, it worked, but Jesus. Usually I'm the only one who knows if the crust is frozen or not (cuz I put them into a pan of my own.) and I can taste the difference. But most people can't tell. I swear, I felt like a RAT when little old ladies at the catering company would RAVE about our pies and quiches and the "old southern recipe crusts" we "made". I guess they just thought I had a fleet of Mexican workers back there making pie crusts from a 200 year old method, when in reality it was Chef Pierre's frozen 10 inch deep dish pie crusts delivered 60 to a case. Nobody can pop for that kind of labor anymore except Alice Waters and Mario Batali, and only then because every young super talented chef wants to work there for FREE for the bullet on their resume.

I'm sure that you can NOT have a handmade piecrust and charge $8.95 - $9.95 a pie and still make any appreciable money. Nobody in Tyler Texas wants to spend $16.95 on a artisan pie.

Re: Baad from the first word, but good pie

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Whoa! I'm in heaven when I read about little old French ladies who chill their flour. And I have your next career move all planned out -- you must audition for Top Chef, get eliminated 4th to last, reap massive amounts of publicity that will attract the foodie wife of some noveau riche land developer who will sign you over a check for $500,000 so you can open up a restaurant.

Now, go back to bed!

Re: Baad from the first word, but good pie

[misslam2u.livejournal.com]

Ugh, I think my days of working that hard to make an amuse bouche out of vending machine stuff are through. And the whole 20 minute challenge and frog's leg ice cream are OUT too.

I think perhaps I should just write about food a la MFK Fisher.

I'm fixin to go stark raving mad if I don't get to go somewhere besides a doctor's office and a lab for blood letting! I'd like to go to the grocery store, but Oxo won't take me. Bastard.

At least you are realistic, $100K couldn't get a good restaurant off the ground in some backwater, half mil is more like it. Along with some awesome lines of credit.

[hotelsamurai.livejournal.com]

Damn, that's some rough stuff. Hang in there...

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[cat-herder.livejournal.com]

I mean, goddamn – why couldn't I be born Jackie Kennedy? Sure, she had a husband assassinated, pieces of brain on her clothes. But it was a Chanel suit!

You are such a BAD GIRL.

That's why I love you so.

Do what they said and get a frozen pie crust. Jeez, girl, its a HOLIDAY, not the Martha Stewart Standoff.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I love you too and that photo of you with Mizz Giraffe is to die for. If you're doing Xmas cards this year, you should definitely use that one.