Surviving Said Offsprings

[mallorys_camera]

Here's a photo of Max milking a cow.

It comes from this article about Deep Springs.

(The "conveyor belt" sound byte, by the way, was mine originally: I suppose it's some kind of testament to parenting skills when oracular pronouncements one espouses within offspring earshot – as much for pithiness as for validity – are subsequently incorporated into said offspring's media rap.)

Funny – I didn't know Deep Springs was a school for kids who'd killed their parents. I always thought it was a grey alien nexus.

The other offspring provoked a knockdown screaming fight last night from which I'm recovering s-l-o-w-l-y.

He blew off karate for skateboarding. He almost has a black belt – it's only a matter of sticking with it for two more years – so at this point, I'm not going to let him drop karate. But he doesn't like karate. Oh, he likes learning how to maim and (potentially) kill people in exotic ways well enough. But he doesn't like the other kids at the dojo. They're not cool enough. They don't skateboard and listen to System of the Down. They don't have MySpace pages – or maybe they do, but they're not cool so who cares.

So I consult with the offspring's father and a decision is reached: no karate, no Internet access.

Doors are slammed. Mother is told, "I hate you!"

Fine, I hate you too, I want to say. But if I say that, Brittney Spears' parenting coach will magically appear in a puff of purple smoke and make me take urine tests for the next six months.

After ten minutes or so of fuming, offspring emerges from the Robin-torium and offers a bargain: "I'll go to karate Friday and Saturday."

Mother awards newly revealed negotiating skills with rich praise! "All right, Robin. I think that's a mature decision. And you're certainly old enough to start scheduling your own time."

In the Dr. Phil biz, this is called positive reinforcement.

Father comes home from yet another slow day at the Little Store. Dinner is prepared and eaten. Offspring is reminded of thank you note obligations, birthday gift purveyors who must be sucked up to so that next year there are more birthday gifts.

Mother retires to Patrizia-torium to watch Survivor.

Dimly she is aware of noises in the other parts of the house. Raised voices. More doors slamming. Dimly she is aware said noises are connected to the writing of said thank you notes which Offspring does not want to do.

Then, just as Fat Ass Gambler Dude whom Mother has loathed since day 1 is revealing himself to be completely delusional at Tribal Council – and yes, yes, yes, it's sick, it's pathetic that so much of Mother's imagination is caught up in televised entertainment but hey! it is what it is, and it's gonna get worse when Project Runway starts – the door flings open and Robin races into the room.

"Mom, Dad is a liar! He said I could go to Washington DC, and now he says I can't go to Washington DC –"

"Well, no, of course not," I say, trying to see around Robin to the TV screen. I don't actually wish Robin was invisible – what good mother would wish a thing like that? – but I do wish he were… transparent. "We can't afford it," I say vaguely – is Courtney, the blonde anorexic Winona Ryder look-alike, rolling her eyes again? I do like Courtney!

Door slams.

Moment later Ben comes raging into the room. "What do you mean we can't afford it?"

Goddamn it the tribe is voting!

"What?" I say, distracted. "Can't I just watch…?"

"You care more about that fucking television show more than you care about your own family!" Ben screams. And I want to reply, Why, yes, now that you mention it. But I glance his way and he looks exactly like a nematode, which is something that only happens to Ben when he's under great emotional duress – his features retract. Or something. So I hold my tongue --

But then I get pissed off. In fact the last time we'd discussed the Washington DC trip – months ago – I had pointed out that $1700 for five days seemed excessive to me plus they were programming a lot of activities into that five days, too many activities – I thought – for a thirteen year old boy to enjoy.

Ben had agreed. I thought.

Only somehow in the interim months, the Washington DC trip had become a fait accomplis. I wish someone had told me.

And of course with the Little Store's revenues down, money or more accurately the lack thereof has once again become a huge anxiety.

So anyway there was much more screaming and door slamming. At one point for maximum dramatic effect, Robin took a battered old suitcase and actually ran out of the house down the dark streets wheeling it behind him so that Ben hopped into the van and trailed him.

I seriously thought of locking both the front and the back doors. Never letting either of them back in.

Robin inherited his drama queen tendencies from me, I'm afraid.

Eventually the thank you notes were written. But when it came time for everything to be forgiven and forgotten, I just couldn't do it.

I drank myself to sleep. Cheap scotch. And when I woke up this morning, my fingers were all swollen. In my dotage, I'm afraid, my body doesn't like alcohol.

Robin is only thirteen. There is five more years of this shit to get through.

I don't see how I'm going to survive.

Comments

[misslam2u.livejournal.com]

Far be it for me to offer advice, but I would like to recommend a book Oxo and I have come to really love as the parents of teenagers, it's called "The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers" by Gary Chapman, and I think it has really helped around here.

All I gots to say other than that is good luck.

Miss Big is right there too. It's scary.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I suppose it's payback. I was a horrible teenager myself.

But of coursee I didn't have a brilliant and saintly mother like me! :-)

[misslam2u.livejournal.com]

My own self!
I was Helen Wheels, totally. My poor mother. (see post about Thomas Blake!)

I figure I just got lucky and dodged a huge freaking bullet with Richman when he was 13 and starting to freak... somehow it all smoothed out. And he's the most delightful man-child ever. I just knew I was fixin to start payin' for my raisin' as we say down here.

[quiet-life.livejournal.com]

it's a bitch, bebe.
hey, maybe you should yank robin out of karate and take it yourself. some catharsis in board breaking, i suppose.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Heh! Maybe I'll have my pal the Demented Retired Cop take me to the pistol range some time soon.

[quiet-life.livejournal.com]

yeah, like that!

[bandicoot.livejournal.com]

Take Robin. Maybe he'll think it's cool ;p

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

The hell with Robin! I think it's cool!

[usedmonsters.livejournal.com]

I had to say something about that udderly fascinating photo of Max. Ugh. Had to.

I just started watching Survivor this season. I've watched previous seasons religiously, for the most part, but I've been slacking this round. Since I've been studying poker on television, I actually new of Jean Robert before Survivor and I immediately pegged him as a loud mouthed asshole. It was funny to see him struggle with being out of the loop and unaware of that status. I'm not sure of who might be my favorite, but that skinny gay guy is brilliant. And I like the black guy - a grave digger. Creepy.

I feel better after reading your post. I thought it was only men who wanted to be able to see around their children to watch TV.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Max absolutely forbade me to make barnyard animal jokes when he was at Deep Springs!

"Elsie's lookin' mighty purty today," I'd begin and he'd yell, "Stop that! Stop that right now!"

I can't understand why a mom can't make bestiality jokes to her own son, can you?

I watch Survivor every season because -- well. I've watched Survivor every season. Each season it gets duller. Grave-diggin' dude's okay but I'm rooting for Courtney.

[banocrates.livejournal.com]

I can't understand why a mom can't make bestiality jokes to her own son, can you?

hmmm ... unless it hits a bit too close to home ... what with it being all boys and all ... just sayin'!

[a1icey.livejournal.com]

does he know how much he's affecting you? i know this is unpopular parental theory but i would suggest that he ought to. being inpenetrable and disinterested might be even worse for someone going through the beginning pangs of the pain and shameful feelings of teenager-hood.

though i must say the karate compromise was outstanding - i wish my parents had used that technique. my siblings and i had terribly strong personalities.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

He totally knows how much he's affecting me.

He has a mean streak.

I'm hoping he outgrows it.

[a1icey.livejournal.com]

thank you very much for the presents! i love the chili pepper and lily and i are so excited to use the sauces. well, mostly me, because i'm the omnivore. anyway, they are perfect! and very inspiring. :)

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

The papaya curry is interesting because it has the curry flavor but no heat! Both sauces are quite good on vegetable stir fry.

[a1icey.livejournal.com]

ooh. ok, good. i shall recommend that. :)

my mummy is visiting for the weekend and it is the most cheerful thing. i sent her off to whole foods to buy things to make for dinner! i suppose with boys you don't get to do that, i wonder how max would react...

ps i just randomly mentioned deep springs to my dad and he said if he'd known that max went he would have grilled you for info because he's always wanted to know about it and never had the opportunity to ask. oh well!

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Oh, Max has been cooking since he was a toddler. In fact, he seriously considered not going to Stanford, going to NYC instead and getting a job as a line cook. (He thinks culinary school is a waste of time.)

Send yr dad this URL:

http://www.lvrj.com/news/8386422.html

Good Deep Springs piece that quotes Max extensively.

[a1icey.livejournal.com]

i think i'll also send him the grey aliens one.

Me, Being Little Miss Helpypants

[cat-herder.livejournal.com]

Being an ex-child, I can say that two years is an eternity to a 13 year old. Why is him getting a black belt so important? It seems like you are spending money and time for this and he's getting nothing out of it. I wonder what would happen if you just let him drop it and do his skateboarding? Would he beg you to let him back into karate? Who knows? Right now, it seems like a big pain in the ass for everyone.

I say that because I got as far as a brown belt in Tae Kwon Do and stopped because I started college. I remembered enough to physically defend myself in the subways a couple of times. That's what counts.

The thing Robin did about the DC trip was a classic divide and conquer move. Master strategists do it. Don't fall for it! If he does a "Dad said...", haul Dad into the room, especially when there is drama. Then let Ben deal with the drama and you can get back to watching your stories.

I liked the idea about locking the doors, hee hee.

Re: Me, Being Little Miss Helpypants

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Yeah, kindly Dr. H -- the therapist to whom I dragged Robin during the eight months or so his father ran away to join the circus -- told me karate was a losing battle. It's just that he's so damn close.

[ch.livejournal.com]

well, when i read that deep springs is for kids who'd kill their parents, and then i read:

[Robin] likes learning how to maim and (potentially) kill people in exotic ways well enough

well, this seems pretty obivous:

I don't see how I'm going to survive.

you aren't!

i'm going to miss your posts.

:-)

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I will haunt Livejournal and write ectoplasmic posts! :-)

[original-broad.livejournal.com]

From what I can discern, you've done an absolutely amazing job with your children.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Thank you. You're close enough to my oldest child's age for that to be a meaningful compliment.