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Confessions of a Neuro-Atypical
Nov. 8th, 2019 10:20 amAll I do is work and complain about the weather.
Oh—and climb on my crusty elliptical to watch baaaaad TV.
I’ve been hate-watching The Affair for years, and the finale did not disappoint in terms of sheer banality, insipidness, and generally awful writing.
I also watched a documentary on Maria Callas. Back when “cancel culture” was just a twinkle in Holden Caulfield’s eye—in other words, my youth—Maria Callas was a Very Big Thing on the pop culture circuit. Jackie Kennedy’s archrival! I was a Jackie fan, of course.
I’d never actually heard Callas sing, though. I must say, Callas’s voice was astonishing, even within the restrictions of Paleolithic sound recording and the underwhelming audio capacity of the ancient computer that serves as my media player since I refuse to own a TV. Incredible range and power.
###
Also had a very long conversation with Lois Lane who has gone into therapy and is now on antidepressants.
She initiated it.
Which is amazing ‘cause like I’ve said, though I never doubt Lois Lane’s affection for me, we could go 20 years without interacting ‘cause that’s just the way she is.
If I want to see her, I just pepper her obnoxiously with requests until she breaks down and agrees to socialize.
But maybe the new improved Lois Lane will be mentally healthy!
“The doctor had his eyebrows up pretty much the whole time,” she told me. “I had everything written down though and was ready to go. Dates of previous treatment, drugs taken, diagnosis, hospital drug use, etc, etc, etc.”
“Wow,” I said. “He probably wasn’t used to clients who are smart and honest.”
“I wasn't always,” she said. “I spent a good decade lying my face off to therapists and professionals who were just trying to help.”
“Therapy doesn't work for me 'cause I always work so hard to charm my therapists,” I said.
Which is true.
But what’s also true is that while I may dissociate to an extreme degree, hey! That works for me! I don’t actually want to feel more than I do. I’m quite content to be a narrator sitting on the sidelines, recording the misadventures of those wacky humans and their messy emotions.
###
At the end of our conversation, Lois Lane said, “Thank you for your support!!!!”
This is something Max does, too. He’s been in and out of therapy for years.
Is this something they teach you to do in therapy?
To thank other people for their perfectly ordinary interest and support?
###
The talk with Lois Lane reminded me of something that happened during the X-Husband Deathwatch.
Robin and I had gotten into some sort of spat, and he made some remark along the lines of, “You’re so neurotic!”
“How so?” I asked, charmed that he was misusing a piece of psychotherapeutic jargon whose origins in Freudian theory he didn’t have a clue about.
“Well, that thing you do with pens all the time!”
And this is true! I have a very particular tic: I never feel quite comfortable unless I’m holding a pen or a stick or something in my hand.
“Oh, that,” I said. “Well, I don’t think that’s neurosis. I think I’m on the spectrum, as they say. Neuro-atypical. Neuro-atypical people tend to have weird relationships with tactile stimulation, and that’s mine.”
Robin’s mouth fell open: This was not the response he was expecting.
But it’s something I’ve thought for a very long time now: that I’m on the extremely high-functioning end of the autism spectrum.
Autism is a pejorative term, of course.
Neuro-atypical is more descriptive.
I’m emotionally detached. I have that tactile stimulation thing. I’m an extremely good communicator, true, but good communication is kind of an obsession with me.
The real kicker is that I find expectations about social relationships incredibly tedious. I just don’t get why anyone bothers with most of them. I mean, who cares what other people think of you? Unless you need those “other people” for some practical purpose.
I don’t see being neuro-atypical as a bad thing at all, either. Particularly not in this age of social media and repressive collectivism and political lockstep. Why would anyone want to participate in those things if they had the ability to opt out?
No worries! I’m not about to start quoting Nietzsche!
I understand the benefit of working and playing well with others.
I just prefer to do that of my own volition.
Oh—and climb on my crusty elliptical to watch baaaaad TV.
I’ve been hate-watching The Affair for years, and the finale did not disappoint in terms of sheer banality, insipidness, and generally awful writing.
I also watched a documentary on Maria Callas. Back when “cancel culture” was just a twinkle in Holden Caulfield’s eye—in other words, my youth—Maria Callas was a Very Big Thing on the pop culture circuit. Jackie Kennedy’s archrival! I was a Jackie fan, of course.
I’d never actually heard Callas sing, though. I must say, Callas’s voice was astonishing, even within the restrictions of Paleolithic sound recording and the underwhelming audio capacity of the ancient computer that serves as my media player since I refuse to own a TV. Incredible range and power.
###
Also had a very long conversation with Lois Lane who has gone into therapy and is now on antidepressants.
She initiated it.
Which is amazing ‘cause like I’ve said, though I never doubt Lois Lane’s affection for me, we could go 20 years without interacting ‘cause that’s just the way she is.
If I want to see her, I just pepper her obnoxiously with requests until she breaks down and agrees to socialize.
But maybe the new improved Lois Lane will be mentally healthy!
“The doctor had his eyebrows up pretty much the whole time,” she told me. “I had everything written down though and was ready to go. Dates of previous treatment, drugs taken, diagnosis, hospital drug use, etc, etc, etc.”
“Wow,” I said. “He probably wasn’t used to clients who are smart and honest.”
“I wasn't always,” she said. “I spent a good decade lying my face off to therapists and professionals who were just trying to help.”
“Therapy doesn't work for me 'cause I always work so hard to charm my therapists,” I said.
Which is true.
But what’s also true is that while I may dissociate to an extreme degree, hey! That works for me! I don’t actually want to feel more than I do. I’m quite content to be a narrator sitting on the sidelines, recording the misadventures of those wacky humans and their messy emotions.
###
At the end of our conversation, Lois Lane said, “Thank you for your support!!!!”
This is something Max does, too. He’s been in and out of therapy for years.
Is this something they teach you to do in therapy?
To thank other people for their perfectly ordinary interest and support?
###
The talk with Lois Lane reminded me of something that happened during the X-Husband Deathwatch.
Robin and I had gotten into some sort of spat, and he made some remark along the lines of, “You’re so neurotic!”
“How so?” I asked, charmed that he was misusing a piece of psychotherapeutic jargon whose origins in Freudian theory he didn’t have a clue about.
“Well, that thing you do with pens all the time!”
And this is true! I have a very particular tic: I never feel quite comfortable unless I’m holding a pen or a stick or something in my hand.
“Oh, that,” I said. “Well, I don’t think that’s neurosis. I think I’m on the spectrum, as they say. Neuro-atypical. Neuro-atypical people tend to have weird relationships with tactile stimulation, and that’s mine.”
Robin’s mouth fell open: This was not the response he was expecting.
But it’s something I’ve thought for a very long time now: that I’m on the extremely high-functioning end of the autism spectrum.
Autism is a pejorative term, of course.
Neuro-atypical is more descriptive.
I’m emotionally detached. I have that tactile stimulation thing. I’m an extremely good communicator, true, but good communication is kind of an obsession with me.
The real kicker is that I find expectations about social relationships incredibly tedious. I just don’t get why anyone bothers with most of them. I mean, who cares what other people think of you? Unless you need those “other people” for some practical purpose.
I don’t see being neuro-atypical as a bad thing at all, either. Particularly not in this age of social media and repressive collectivism and political lockstep. Why would anyone want to participate in those things if they had the ability to opt out?
No worries! I’m not about to start quoting Nietzsche!
I understand the benefit of working and playing well with others.
I just prefer to do that of my own volition.
