Jul. 1st, 2018

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A pal of mine who isn’t known for his extremist, paranoid, or conspiracy-driven views remarked this morning that he fully expected that by this time next year, the U.S. would no longer be a member of the World Trade Organization, the United Nations, or NATO.

I think he may be right about the WTO.

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Seventy-five degrees when I went out this morning at 7am. Eighty-five degrees when I got back after running and watering the garden. Supposed to reach 100° by 3pm.

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Another quiz gacked from [profile] melissa_maples

1. What's the wisest piece of advice your mother has ever given you?

Kitten and puppy postcards!

My mother was crazy. In her defense, she’d had a childhood that would have driven anyone apeshit even if that person had been grounded like the Rock of Gibralter – which my mother was not. Her mother – my grandmother – was even crazier, and one afternoon when my mother was 16 years old, she came home from school to find that precisely one-half of the furniture in the house had vanished – and her mother along with it.

Without a word.

Without even a hint.

My mother responded by getting herself knocked up with me.

Twenty or so years later, my grandmother was picked up wandering around the streets of Miami, Florida, poking into garbage, smeared with feces. She’d managed to run through the sizeable inheritance she’d inherited from her mother. My insane aunt Jane immediately assumed care of my grandmother and tried to turn it into some sort of moral crusade. She ostracized my mother severely because my mother did not like my grandmother and did not care what happened to her.

My mother did like Jane, though, or at least felt beholden to her older sister, so to keep Jane happy, my mother started sending postcards to my grandmother. One every month. These postcards always had a picture of an adorable baby animal on them. Hi Etta! my mother would write on the back. She refused to call her, “Mother.” Hope you are doing swell! We’re fine!

After a while, my mother expanded this strategy. Anyone whom she didn’t really like but with whom it was tactically necessary to remain in contact started receiving postcards of adorable baby animals from her.

I think this is a brilliant strategy, and I have customized it for my own use. Of course, the postcards and emails that I send out all have pictures of cats.

2. What was the worst hairstyle you ever had?

Boy, you know, I don’t think I’ve ever had a bad haircut. I have ridiculously great hair, and it always looks good. It looks best at about the length it is now – just below my shoulders.

3. If you died tomorrow, who do you think your death would impact the most?

I doubt that anyone would care.

I mean, I guess my kids would, but that’s because their mother died. Mothers are an archetypal presence, you know? The death of a parent removes a buffer, puts you right in the line of mortality’s scope. I’m next, you think.

But my kids wouldn’t actually care that Patrizia had died. Well. Maybe Max would a little. Max actually knows me as me a little. Robin wouldn’t care at all.

My friends might be sad for a little bit. But only for a little bit.

Life just keeps chugging, you know?

4. Do you prefer writing in pencil, or pen?

I scribble notes to myself on innumerable post-its which I stick everywhere. And I whiteboard important fiction projects. For that, I use proprietary whiteboard markers. For the post-its, I use pens.

5. What was your favourite snack when you were a kid?

Dried apricots! And I was very fond of candy, ice cream, and cake.

6. What are your favourite and least favourite names?

For the most part, I am name-neutral. I confess to a certain disdain for women who are named after luxury jewelry stores or coasts of France. And I would have to work hard to persuade myself to date a man named “Egbert.”

7. What is the worst physical pain that you've ever experienced?

Childbirth. But abscessed teeth are a close second.

8. What is the worst emotional pain that you’ve ever experienced?

I have severe abandonment issues on account of having had a father who walked out on me when I was three months old.

To the extent that the end of every relationship rekindles those feelings of abandonment to a greater or a lesser extent, I’m always in some degree of emotional pain.

I’m not just talking about romantic relationships, understand. I’m talking about all relationships. Like the Snowdrops are moving back to Utah in three weeks because Benito is graduating from CIA, and I’m actually getting a bit mawkish over that. And it’s not like I have an intense friendship with the Snowdrops either (though I like them well enough.)

9. What book was so bad that you didn’t even finish it?

Too many books to count. If a book doesn’t grab me in the first chapter or so, I bail.

10. Are there any colours or styles that you refuse to wear?

I have olive skin, so when I wear colors like orange or yellow or certain shades of green, I look sallow and unappealing. I never wear those colors.

I also have big legs. So I don’t wear short skirts.

11. What things are you most proud of accomplishing?

I’m a citation in the Oxford English Dictionary: An article I wrote for Entertainment Weekly in 1997 was among the first to use the term “fan fiction.”

An article I wrote for Salon inspired a Time Magazine cover (though the putzes at Time Magazine didn’t credit me – even though I was actually working for Time Inc at the time.)

I managed to claw my way back into the middle class after a stunning series of misfortunes and setbacks left me thisclose to homelessness.

I’m pretty proud of this diary. I think it’s a very entertaining read and has some worth as a historical document.

I’m nowhere near done accomplishing, by the way. I expect this list will be longer a couple of years from now.

12. If you could be interviewed on any talk show, which one would it be?

Talk shows are not on my horizon at all. I don’t own a TV.

13. What’s the most frightened you've ever been?

When I was 26 years old, I went on a cross-country ski trip with three friends. We were skiing into the Ostrander ski hut in Yosemite. Out of nowhere, a huge blizzard came up, and we got lost in that blizzard for three days.

Those three days were… intense. At one point, I lost the trail and fell 20 feet. Fortunately, the snow cushioned me, so I didn’t break any bones. Also, fortunately, I had been reading a book about mountain climbing and avalanches just before I left for the trip, so I knew enough to hold my arms around my head while I was falling, and this created an air pocket so I did not suffocate while my three friends scrambled to dig me out.

Throughout that three days, I was completely convinced we were all going to die.

Although, of course, I couldn’t say this to anyone. Expressing one’s personal feelings is not ever a useful strategy in a survival situation.

But I was really scared.

Eventually, the search and rescue team found us, and we were airlifted out by helicopter.

14. Are there any dreams or nightmares that stick out from when you were a child?

I have a recurrent dream I’ve had ever since I was a kid. I still have it from time to time.

It begins as I am sitting around a dinner table with my family. I’m a teenager: sometimes, I’m a girl; sometimes, I’m a boy. The table is set with ceremonial dishes and crystal, and there is a huge chandelier over the table.

There’s a knock on the door, and a party of soldiers bursts into the room.

“Get your things,” the soldiers say. “You’re coming with us.”

The other members of my family scramble around, grabbing a few belongings.

But I say, “I’m not going anywhere. You’re just going to have to shoot me.”

And they do!

Sometimes, I die in the dream. But I don’t remember what happens after I die.

15. What do you think is the worst crime a human could commit?

Obsessive serial killing with a sexual motive.

16. If you were reincarnated, what would you want to be in your next life?

William Shakespeare. After all, there’s no reason to assume that reincarnation adheres to our chronological protocols, right? I want to know how William Shakespeare became so damn smart about human nature.

Being Winston Churchill might be fun, too.

17. What musical artist do you wish would be taken off the radio?

I don’t listen to radio. I do wish Kanye West would drop dead, but that’s not about his music.

18. Have you ever witnessed something unexplainable?

I see ghosts from time to time. At least – I’m fairly convinced they’re ghosts. Maybe someone else would be able to explain that, no, they’re not ghosts.

19. If you could go back to your teenage years, what would you do differently?

That’s a tough one. If this question means I could take all the wisdom I’ve accrued in the nearly half century intervening between my adolescence and now, and that I could use that wisdom to guide my actions, there are probably a lot of things I would do differently.

But, you know, you do what you do when you do it because there really aren't any other options.

20. How long do you think you could last without having sex?

What? You mean sex with another person or solo sex?

It’s been a long time since I’ve had regular sex with another person. I had a very good sexual relationship with my X, and that was kind of a benchmark. The few experimental flings I’ve had since my divorce weren’t particularly fulfilling or entertaining.

I’ve certainly had my fair share of party sex, one night stands, and temple goddess sex. But if I’m going to have sex regularly with one person, then I have to love that person in some way. Hey! I’m old! I’ve earned the right to broach that taboo subject: Sex with love

It seems increasingly implausible that I’m ever going to meet someone I can love that way again.

Solo sex? I have a vibrator. I like erotica. I like porn. Connect the dots.

21. Do you have any superstitions or supernatural beliefs?

I suppose my belief in astrology could be considered a superstition since the sun does not orbit the earth, so there’s no factual basis for astrology.

Similarly, my belief in reincarnation could be considered a superstition since there’s no scientific basis for reincarnation either. Although, there’s this guy in Virginia

Oh! And I always cross myself both when I take off and when I land in an airplane. Even though I’m a Jew.

22. Was there a specific teacher who made your life miserable?

Many.

23. What television series or film do you want to watch, but haven’t got around to it yet?

None. I’m watching less and less television.

24. Is there anyone whose life you would wish to ruin?

Outside of the Trump family, you mean?

Well, I’m not crazy about Vladimir Putin. Or Mike Pence. Or Paul Ryan.

25. When you were little, what scenarios did your dolls act out?

I wasn’t big on dolls.

But

I had these… marbles. And I played a very peculiar dynastic game with these marbles in which each marble was a person. I would follow the fortunes of one family of marbles literally through centuries, charting their rise and fall in a series of notebooks till it seemed that I had predicted the lifespan of every single person on this planet. It was a very peculiar game, and it completely involved me.

Even today, I will occasionally meet someone and think, Right! You were one of my marbles! And I know what happened to you and what’s going to happen to you!

It’s a very odd sensation.

26. Do you like the colour of your eyes?

Who thinks about the color of their eyes?

27. Do you think animals experience emotions in the same way that humans do?

Emotions are so individual. Humans don’t experience emotions "the same way" other humans do.

But, yes, I think animals are capable of emotions. Even deep emotions. But animal emotions are configured differently because of differences in instincts, sensoriums, and brain anatomy.

28. What’s the most embarrassing thing you've ever had to do?

Oh, jeeze. I’ve embarrassed myself so many times over the course of my lifetime! How can I choose just one instance?

29. What common food have you never actually tried?

Common food? Well, common foods vary according to culture, don’t they?

A couple of years ago, Summer took me to a restaurant in Flushing that had no Western customers at all. They served unprocessed soy curd. It’s very common in China, but I’d never eaten it before. It tasted very… green.

That same year, someone I was dating prepared kidneys for me. I liked them!

I still haven’t eaten sweetbreads. Or snails. Are those common?

30. What’s your favourite animal?

Cats.

Bunnies, dogs, otters, and pandas are a distant second.

31. What’s your favourite section of the newspaper?

Newspaper? What’s that? [insert smiley]

32. Which cancelled TV series do you wish they’d bring back?

Dead Like Me.


33. Did your parents ever tell you why they chose your name?

No.

34. What is one memory that you wish you could erase from your mind?

Oh, God. I’m sure there are simply tons of memories that qualify, but nothing springs immediately to mind.

35. What TV series did you once love, but eventually gave up on watching, because it got that bad?

The seventh season of Game of Thrones.

I’d really loved the first six seasons because the show was so character-driven. A lot was going on with the plot too, of course, but the characters were pushing the plot.

In the 7th season, it seemed to me, the characters all became cardboard cutouts for the plot to push around.

And I lost interest.

36. What were you bullied over or picked on about when you were little?

I was bullied a lot.

I was weird, I was bookish, and I was extremely tall. I reached my adult height of 5’10” at the age of 11.

But then as now, though, other people’s opinions had remarkably little effect on me.

And since I quite enjoyed hitting people and became very good at it, nobody bullied me physically.

37. What’s your favourite font to use when you type?

Lucida grande.

38. What age were your parents when they had you?

My mother was 16; my father was 21. In fact, I was born on my father’s 21st birthday.

39. What’s the most embarrassing video in your recent YouTube history?

I’m not embarrassed by anything I watch on YouTube or elsewhere.

40. Have you ever seen a person (or an animal) give birth?

Yes.

41. Do you think you’re overpaid, or underpaid?

Underpaid.

42. What is your relationship with houseplants?

This year? Not so good.

But my outdoor garden is doing spectacularly:



43. Is there a specific number that holds a lot of meaning to you?

411. It’s my birthday. Plus it’s information.

44. On average, how many times do you wake up in the middle of the night?

Couple of times a night.

45. Do you know your IQ?

Yes: 155. My mother was always bragging about it.

Personally, I think IQs are meaningless.

46. Do you know your Myers Briggs personality type?

Funny, I was discussing this with BB just the other day.

I score weirdly on the Meyers Briggs. And I consistently score weirdly.

I come down in the middle on three of its parameters: I am neither extroverted nor introverted; I think and feel equally; and I sense and intuit equally.

The only parameter where I was one and not the other was perception and judgment. Apparently, I perceive more than I judge.

The last therapist who administered this test to me was so perturbed by these results that he told me I was a sociopath.

That’s when I decided to give up on therapy.

Two therapists before him, though, had gotten the same results. They’d just told me I was probably lying when I took the test – which I guess kinda amounts to the same thing.

47. Which Netflix show do you think is overrated?

Stranger Things.

48. What is your favourite month of the year?

April, of course. I was born in April.

49. Which family member do you secretly hate?

I don’t hate any of my family members.

50. Has a celebrity ever replied to one of your tweets?

I don’t do Twitter.

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