Deconstructing "Blue Bloods", Baaaaaad TV, and Why the Peas Can Never Touch the Carrots on the Plate

Writing dialogue is hard.

You have to capture the rhythm two (or more) people use to communicate. Not any old people. But people with specific personalities, histories, linguistic quirks.

You also have to relay specific information to the reader. What is the subtext of this communication? Why is this communication important out of all the communications your characters might have in a single day of their lives if they were, say, real human boys and girls?

Because unless you’re James Joyce writing Ulysses, you’re not going to record all the communications your characters have in a single day of their lives.

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Sometimes, you're in The Zone, and your subconscious does all the heavy lifting and carrying.

More often, you're not.

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The easiest way to write dialogue is to plagiarize it from real life conversations.

Ben and I used to have conversations – no shit! – that were veritable Aaron Sorkin screenplays!

I don’t really have anyone to have those types of conversations with in my current Country Mouse life. I mean – I suppose Ed comes closest since he banters at roughly the same wavelength I do. But there’s a certain emotional intimacy that comes with that sort of banter, and he’s married, so I tend to put firm limits on our banter.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a recluse. I talk to lots of people. And the conversations don’t bore me. But they don’t linger, either.

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The second easiest way to write dialogue is to plagiarize what you hear in TV and movies.

Lucius – the professional writer I’ve been closest to in my life –professional as in Made money, won awards – always wrote with the TV on.

I don’t do that. In fact, I can’t even listen to music when I write. It’s too distracting. I constantly find myself wondering, Huh! Is that an oboe? How come I never noticed this piece had an oboe before?

So what I do instead is watch lots and lots of baaaaad television when I’m not writing. My favorites are baaaad police procedurals! I often end up using lines that stick in my memory. Hopefully, not as plagiarisms. But often as reconstructed Legos of memory.

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So, I was watching Blue Bloods last night. (Hey! I want Tom Selleck to adopt me.) You can hate the basic concept behind Blue Bloods all you want, and often I do: Four generations of a New York family loyal to Da Blue! But Blue Bloods is a very well crafted show, and the scripting is often first-rate.

In the opening scene of last night’s show, Selleck – blunt, no BS NYC Police Commissioner (in fact, Frank is actually the character’s first name!) – is sparring with his strategist over this week’s McGuffin.

“I will not do whatever this week’s script is posing as the moral dilemma until the final scene of the episode when four generations of Reagans sit down together to say grace over Sunday dinner!” thunders Selleck.

“Oh, right,” says the Second-in-Command. “Because the peas can never touch the carrots on the plate!”

BRILLIANCE!

Here, in this one line, the script manages to convey the inflexibility of the character, his childishness – even though ostensibly the TV audience at home is supposed to admire his moral rectitude – and the subtext of magical thinking that informs all such inflexible decision-making processes.

The peas can never touch the carrots on the plate is really some sort of gold standard so far as writing good dialogue is concerned.

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I will not be writing any dialogue myself today, either good or bad. Shortly, I will go running and have my nails done, and then I will depart for NYC. This is likely to be my last extended sojourn in NYC since my dear buddy BB is shaking up his living situation.

Tomorrow I’m hanging out with Summer all day.

Any NYC pals who stumble across this LJ entry are invited to contact me for hanging out.

Also, the cartoon has nothing to do with writing dialogue. But it’s my favorite cartoon of all time.