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Dreaming Outside the Souk
Mar. 18th, 2012 08:20 amHard to describe how quickly this spring is coming on. Last weekend it was snowing; this weekend, it’s in the 80s. It’s very beautiful – spring always is – but this year there’s a Midwitch Cuckoo feel to it like this particular spring was engineered by aliens.
I’ve been sleeping. A lot. I think because I started exercising again. And oddly, for me, I’ve been dreaming about people I know. Usually in my dreams I’m exploring medieval souks in imaginary cities that have real names – New York, San Francisco – talking to divers Boddisatvas, Egyptian archetypes, minor Greek deities et al about the state of the universe. Then there’s one recurrent dream – although come to think of it, I haven’t had since I’ve been in New York – in which I’m being flushed out by Nazi commandos who want to offer me with an all-expenses-paid resort vacation in Auschwitz. But generally I don’t dream about people I actually know.
This week, though. Vivid dream in which I was talking to Susan. She was deeply disappointed in me, I had betrayed her. Last night I dreamed I was still married to Ben and found out he was seeing another woman, had fallen in love with another woman, a woman I’d actually met – she was overweight with great wings of brown hair and a white streak just like mine. And I couldn’t believe it. I knew whatever capacity for deep emotion Ben has, he’d exhausted it on me and transferred what remained on to Robin. I wasn’t upset, just perplexed. Impossible, I told him in the dream. It is what it is, he replied.
And woke up thinking, Well, he did fall in love with another woman.
Except honestly? I don't think he did. I think another woman fell in love with him. I remember the conversation we had when he came clean piggy about little Jayne LeGro. (I do love that name!) “It’s nice to be wanted,” he’d said.
He saw a safety net and jumped, in other words.
He’s always had extremely well-honed survival skills.
I made a cup of coffee. Drank it. Wondered, Why am I dreaming about this?
I see Ben quite regularly. We meet to discuss Robin and also to play word games at the State Street Diner over rice pudding. The State Street Diner makes great rice pudding. In recent weeks we’ve gotten into the habit of meeting once a week to go hiking through the backwoods in hopes of seeing beavers. Actually observed my first beaver of the season a few days ago, swimming in the protected lagoon outside the biggest lodge I’ve ever seen.
I’m back to whatever the emotional tempo was between us before he walked out. Except that we’re no longer having sex and we’re not tracking the minutiae of each other’s lives. Meaning he’s good company, I can ignore him without consequence, and he occasionally says things that make me think. I no longer have the slightest interest in getting back together with him. Ex post facto, I think that whole emotional response on my part, that great, year-long, tortured wave of longing, had more to do with my abandonment issues – very deep, very profound – than it did with any great love for him.
Rutger has discovered the great outdoors. This is a good thing, since Rutger is a perfect cat in every way except for the fact that he uses an indoor litterbox I have to clean. I am hoping he realizes that the outside world is one big litterbox! Since he only just started going outside, of course, he’s constantly scratching at the door to come back in, testing that the option is there, I assume. Hopefully that behavior too will pass in a couple of days.
Spent the day yesterday doing taxes in Dryden. So many interesting stories! Everyone’s got one. But people don’t know how interesting their stories are because, for the most part, they don’t have the voices to tell them.
I’ve been sleeping. A lot. I think because I started exercising again. And oddly, for me, I’ve been dreaming about people I know. Usually in my dreams I’m exploring medieval souks in imaginary cities that have real names – New York, San Francisco – talking to divers Boddisatvas, Egyptian archetypes, minor Greek deities et al about the state of the universe. Then there’s one recurrent dream – although come to think of it, I haven’t had since I’ve been in New York – in which I’m being flushed out by Nazi commandos who want to offer me with an all-expenses-paid resort vacation in Auschwitz. But generally I don’t dream about people I actually know.
This week, though. Vivid dream in which I was talking to Susan. She was deeply disappointed in me, I had betrayed her. Last night I dreamed I was still married to Ben and found out he was seeing another woman, had fallen in love with another woman, a woman I’d actually met – she was overweight with great wings of brown hair and a white streak just like mine. And I couldn’t believe it. I knew whatever capacity for deep emotion Ben has, he’d exhausted it on me and transferred what remained on to Robin. I wasn’t upset, just perplexed. Impossible, I told him in the dream. It is what it is, he replied.
And woke up thinking, Well, he did fall in love with another woman.
Except honestly? I don't think he did. I think another woman fell in love with him. I remember the conversation we had when he came clean piggy about little Jayne LeGro. (I do love that name!) “It’s nice to be wanted,” he’d said.
He saw a safety net and jumped, in other words.
He’s always had extremely well-honed survival skills.
I made a cup of coffee. Drank it. Wondered, Why am I dreaming about this?
I see Ben quite regularly. We meet to discuss Robin and also to play word games at the State Street Diner over rice pudding. The State Street Diner makes great rice pudding. In recent weeks we’ve gotten into the habit of meeting once a week to go hiking through the backwoods in hopes of seeing beavers. Actually observed my first beaver of the season a few days ago, swimming in the protected lagoon outside the biggest lodge I’ve ever seen.
I’m back to whatever the emotional tempo was between us before he walked out. Except that we’re no longer having sex and we’re not tracking the minutiae of each other’s lives. Meaning he’s good company, I can ignore him without consequence, and he occasionally says things that make me think. I no longer have the slightest interest in getting back together with him. Ex post facto, I think that whole emotional response on my part, that great, year-long, tortured wave of longing, had more to do with my abandonment issues – very deep, very profound – than it did with any great love for him.
Rutger has discovered the great outdoors. This is a good thing, since Rutger is a perfect cat in every way except for the fact that he uses an indoor litterbox I have to clean. I am hoping he realizes that the outside world is one big litterbox! Since he only just started going outside, of course, he’s constantly scratching at the door to come back in, testing that the option is there, I assume. Hopefully that behavior too will pass in a couple of days.
Spent the day yesterday doing taxes in Dryden. So many interesting stories! Everyone’s got one. But people don’t know how interesting their stories are because, for the most part, they don’t have the voices to tell them.
