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Proverbial Light At the End of the Tunnel
Jul. 3rd, 2011 07:51 amHave spent the holiday weekend more or less in isolation tunneling down into work to see how much money I can make to throw at bills.
Around 7pm I had this sensation as though I had waded to the end of a long dark dripping culvert, knee-deep in creek run-off, pitch black… and I saw a light.
Very comforting.
I do not want to keep living the way I’ve been living for the past year and a half. Pure and simple.
Ben now lives in Trumansburg which is a much more desirable place to live than Freeville. I am thinking there’s a good chance that Robin will overcome his antipathy to the Girlfriend enough to want to live there – which would free me to leave.
At first when I started thinking that Robin might want to live in Trumansburg, I got very upset. He’s abandoning me too, I thought. And then I thought, This is crazy. This is what you wanted – just like you wanted to be free of Ben. Once again you’re casting yourself for no discernible reason as a victim.
Of course, Robin and I haven’t had any conversations to indicate that he might want to live in Trumansburg so this is pure conjecture on my part.
If I can leave here, where do I go? And does Robin become a stranger to me in much the same way Max has become a stranger to me? It seems likely now that Robin will go to college somewhere in the East. Last year Robin couldn’t wait to get back to California, but this year he’s acclimatized. “I have friends now in Ithaca who are just as close to me as the friends I had in Monterey,” he told me the other day.
The priorities are to make enough money to keep my head above water, to finish the novel, to get the Stegner Fellowship this time. All three – heh, heh, heh – are long shots. Aside from making some incredibly bad choices over the last few years, I’m not really sure what I’ve done to create this present tense but undeniably it’s my creation.
I was watching So You Think You Can Dance the other night, my summertime TV show, and I was visited with a wave of contentment and profound okay-ness – and I realized it was because this is a show I used to watch regularly before I was uprooted and thrown on the great karmic composting heap. These talking heads on a TV show were the closest thing I had to continuity. That’s pretty pathetic if you think about it.
I need a family…
And a trip to New York City where I can crash with Carl.
Around 7pm I had this sensation as though I had waded to the end of a long dark dripping culvert, knee-deep in creek run-off, pitch black… and I saw a light.
Very comforting.
I do not want to keep living the way I’ve been living for the past year and a half. Pure and simple.
Ben now lives in Trumansburg which is a much more desirable place to live than Freeville. I am thinking there’s a good chance that Robin will overcome his antipathy to the Girlfriend enough to want to live there – which would free me to leave.
At first when I started thinking that Robin might want to live in Trumansburg, I got very upset. He’s abandoning me too, I thought. And then I thought, This is crazy. This is what you wanted – just like you wanted to be free of Ben. Once again you’re casting yourself for no discernible reason as a victim.
Of course, Robin and I haven’t had any conversations to indicate that he might want to live in Trumansburg so this is pure conjecture on my part.
If I can leave here, where do I go? And does Robin become a stranger to me in much the same way Max has become a stranger to me? It seems likely now that Robin will go to college somewhere in the East. Last year Robin couldn’t wait to get back to California, but this year he’s acclimatized. “I have friends now in Ithaca who are just as close to me as the friends I had in Monterey,” he told me the other day.
The priorities are to make enough money to keep my head above water, to finish the novel, to get the Stegner Fellowship this time. All three – heh, heh, heh – are long shots. Aside from making some incredibly bad choices over the last few years, I’m not really sure what I’ve done to create this present tense but undeniably it’s my creation.
I was watching So You Think You Can Dance the other night, my summertime TV show, and I was visited with a wave of contentment and profound okay-ness – and I realized it was because this is a show I used to watch regularly before I was uprooted and thrown on the great karmic composting heap. These talking heads on a TV show were the closest thing I had to continuity. That’s pretty pathetic if you think about it.
I need a family…
And a trip to New York City where I can crash with Carl.
