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Another Day In the Life...
Sep. 28th, 2006 07:43 amLucius is game for Project Runway and Survivor, but draws the line at America's Next Top Model which is too bad really because in many ways ANTM is the ultimate reality TV show being superficial, superfluous and utterly devoid of any content beyond product placement. It plays best if you envision Tyra Banks as a bug-eyed vampire who drinks the blood of the girls who are eliminated – well maybe not the blood, maybe just the young green girly juices. Their dry husks are kept in the poolhouse and then recycled into Girls Gone Wild videos. See, there's this hegemony of vampires who run our cultural economy…
Even with Lucius on the other side of the phone, the Project Runway semi-finale was a BEEEG disappointment. Project Runway has been so boring this season! Too many heterosexuals. It's hard to see Laura pregnant because then you have to imagine Laura fucking someone which naturally brings up the positional issues – is she a missionary gal? does she do it doggy-style? does she have a dildo, and if so, what color? – and these are places your mind simply does not want to go, it's so antithetical to her design aesthetic. Also, what is the deal with neck tattoos? Yeah, Jeffrey has them but if you look very carefully, so does Michael! And I'll out myself as terminally uncool here – I hate tattoos! Don't all these people who are covered with tattoos realize that some day – much sooner than they think! – they're gonna be old, their muscle is going to loose its tone, their skin is going to sag unattractively – and trust me, there are few things uglier than ink on wrinkles. People are old for so much longer than they're young…
In other news, the Little Store had a spectacular day yesterday – thanks in great measure to a guy who came in and blew $200 on hot sauce. That's a lot of hot sauce. It is my habit in the store to treat every customer as though they're an old and dear friend whom I haven't seen for years, whose unexpected reemergence fills me with unimaginable delight. This is because so many of my customers are actually repeat customers who kind of expect me to recognize them – and I never do.
This guy responded to my overtures by preening and telling me the reason I didn't recognize him was because last time I saw him, he'd been fat! Then he proceeded to tell me the story of his dramatic weight loss complete with before and after photographs.
"Well, you know, hot sauce is really good for weight loss!" I said because I'm shameless, plucking two bottles of Mad Anthony's off the shelf. "It speeds up your metabolism by 15% for at least four hours after you eat it." That part is true, at least. "Here, try this!"
What was the most interesting about this guy was that he was accompanied by one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life – and remember, I was a model once (Wilhelmina, since you ask) and also worked for People Magazine so I've seen a lot of beautiful women. She was tall, dark-haired, oriental – had the plushest, most perfectly shaped lips I have ever seen – and she also appeared to be a deaf mute since he communicated with her in ASL. The perfect woman! I think he must have ordered her up from a mail order bride catalog.
Also noteworthy was JDK's response when I told him I had to cool it on the Colorado Springs publicist calls – "Sorry, Jim. Big breaking news story a hundred miles away – Columbine-type shoot out in Bailey. They assignment editors are all busy and I don't want to piss them off –"
"Damn it!" said JDK. "Can't the little bastards shoot each other some other day?"
Even with Lucius on the other side of the phone, the Project Runway semi-finale was a BEEEG disappointment. Project Runway has been so boring this season! Too many heterosexuals. It's hard to see Laura pregnant because then you have to imagine Laura fucking someone which naturally brings up the positional issues – is she a missionary gal? does she do it doggy-style? does she have a dildo, and if so, what color? – and these are places your mind simply does not want to go, it's so antithetical to her design aesthetic. Also, what is the deal with neck tattoos? Yeah, Jeffrey has them but if you look very carefully, so does Michael! And I'll out myself as terminally uncool here – I hate tattoos! Don't all these people who are covered with tattoos realize that some day – much sooner than they think! – they're gonna be old, their muscle is going to loose its tone, their skin is going to sag unattractively – and trust me, there are few things uglier than ink on wrinkles. People are old for so much longer than they're young…
In other news, the Little Store had a spectacular day yesterday – thanks in great measure to a guy who came in and blew $200 on hot sauce. That's a lot of hot sauce. It is my habit in the store to treat every customer as though they're an old and dear friend whom I haven't seen for years, whose unexpected reemergence fills me with unimaginable delight. This is because so many of my customers are actually repeat customers who kind of expect me to recognize them – and I never do.
This guy responded to my overtures by preening and telling me the reason I didn't recognize him was because last time I saw him, he'd been fat! Then he proceeded to tell me the story of his dramatic weight loss complete with before and after photographs.
"Well, you know, hot sauce is really good for weight loss!" I said because I'm shameless, plucking two bottles of Mad Anthony's off the shelf. "It speeds up your metabolism by 15% for at least four hours after you eat it." That part is true, at least. "Here, try this!"
What was the most interesting about this guy was that he was accompanied by one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life – and remember, I was a model once (Wilhelmina, since you ask) and also worked for People Magazine so I've seen a lot of beautiful women. She was tall, dark-haired, oriental – had the plushest, most perfectly shaped lips I have ever seen – and she also appeared to be a deaf mute since he communicated with her in ASL. The perfect woman! I think he must have ordered her up from a mail order bride catalog.
Also noteworthy was JDK's response when I told him I had to cool it on the Colorado Springs publicist calls – "Sorry, Jim. Big breaking news story a hundred miles away – Columbine-type shoot out in Bailey. They assignment editors are all busy and I don't want to piss them off –"
"Damn it!" said JDK. "Can't the little bastards shoot each other some other day?"
