Anxiety

[mallorys_camera]

Tasks just rolling off that To Do List conveyor belt, but I continue in an anxious, fretful mood.

Actually ran out & bought a bottle of wine last night! My thought—This will take the edge off the anxiety!—overriding those other thoughts that This is how people become alcoholics: They drink to self-medicate!

Well, it did take the edge off the anxiety.

###

My preferred method of taking the edge off anxiety is arranging an Adventure.

But I’m nervous about $$$ right now.

And Adventures cost $$$.

###

I was anxious about providing Iggy with references. I am certainly not gonna let him talk to L because God only knows what L would say to him.

So, I decided to use Neighbor Ed and Belinda and TaxBwana Marty as references.

And then I tied myself into knots worrying: Maybe Neighbor Ed and Belinda won’t want to be references. (Oddly, no worries about TaxBwana Marty! He’s a standup guy.)

Of course, they’re my friends.

But let’s get real. I have no friends because I am repulsive!

This went on all afternoon, and didn’t stop even after phone conversations that went, Of course! We’d be delighted to be your references.

###

I guess the deal is I don’t feel safe right now.

And that feeling is rooted in the deep, deep, deep trauma related to my absolutely abysmal childhood in the House of Usher.

Mostly, I ignore my childhood trauma. Or turn it into a joke. Or turn it into a sanitized, Disney version of the House of Usher, suitable for spinning-teacup rides via anecdoting.

But of course, that childhood was neither a joke nor an anecdote, so right now, I am regressing.

It is sad, but damaged in this way, I will never be able to be a Real Human Girl.

###

I Remunerated.

I tromped. Behold the roses and the tree tulips and the aquilegia!







I watched Call My Agent and was actually able to make out 4% of the dialogue without reading the subtitles!

I read more JFK Jr. hagiography.

I yearned desperately for someone to rescue me.

But in the end, the only person who can rescue me is… me.

Comments

[halfmoon_mollie1]

But let’s get real. I have no friends because I am repulsive!

there are times when I think that you know ME a little too well...

[bleodswean]

Oh, P. I get it, I do. I wish I was closer....

Go out and get your knucks inked with HOLD FAST.

[mallorys_camera]

Oh, I'm good at staying the course.

Internal tempests but outward calm. 😀

[asakiyume]

Stay the course, P. You're right about everything (because you are Sharp! You are Smart! You Understand Stuff!), and you no doubt know you will feel a hell of a lot better when your living situation is sorted out.

I'm sorry it's such a slog. Sorry it means feeling anxious for so long, especially in the good time of year.

[mallorys_camera]

Yeah. I have horrible anxiety issues when someone else is in charge of an outcome that's gonna have an impact on me. I know it's some kind of trust thing rooted in childhood trauma and so, rather ridiculous. But you feel what you feel.