Scars & Other Patterns
Nov. 3rd, 2023 09:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mallorys_cameraClearly, I’m having some kind of PTSD reaction to the whole L situation.
Flashbacks to that time when I very nearly did become homeless. A difficult, difficult time in my life.
Humiliation and desperation are corrosive; one’s sense of oneself is scarred by them. Scars fade, but they don’t go away. They’re permanent reminders.
###
Circumstances are very different now. Nobody has control over anything in any real sense, but there is agency, and I have considerably more agency now than I did then. More money, more people whose love I’m confident enough of so that if I need their help, I will be able to bring myself to ask. (It is very difficult for me to ask for help from anyone.)
At some point in the next week, I need to sit down and map out moving options in relation to the various networks. I’ve been putting that off, not from any innate indolence (though Lordy knows, I got that in spades), but because I have three Remunerative Projects with time stamps on them, and I gotta keep the revenue stream flowing. Moving is gonna increase my basic living expenses.
For the past 10 years or so, I’ve given away about 20% of my monthly income. Donations to worthy organizations. I pick three at the end of each month—my favorites are Médecins Sans Frontières (Doctors Without Borders), the Hudson Valley Food Bank, and sundry animal rescue organizations—and I donate to a lot of GoFundMe’s. A way of saying Thank you, Universe, for helping me survive.
I’m gonna have to stop doing that.
And I won’t be able to adopt new kitties. I’ve had my eye on a bonded pair of adult cats for a month now. But it would be feckless to take on the responsibility of caring for animals with this much uncertainty in my own situation.
###
I’m also gonna step back from the Linda situation.
Continue being helpful in the housemate sense, but no—I’m not gonna participate in any “intervention.” I don’t want to assume any… karmic responsibility for Linda. Such intervention would involve me too closely in a situation that is perilous for me in terms of triggering; it would be psychologically unhealthy.
And also, I don’t love Linda: If I’m being honest about it, I care about what happens to her but only to a limited degree. Mostly I care about what happens to me.
###
Bright, sunny, and cold this morning.
rebeccmeister points out that even with night temperatures considerably below freezing, the Hudson is a long way from freezing yet; surface temps are still hovering at the 50° mark.
But when I looked at its waters yesterday, I wondered if the shifting colors I saw in the waters marked future ice floe patterns:
Flashbacks to that time when I very nearly did become homeless. A difficult, difficult time in my life.
Humiliation and desperation are corrosive; one’s sense of oneself is scarred by them. Scars fade, but they don’t go away. They’re permanent reminders.
###
Circumstances are very different now. Nobody has control over anything in any real sense, but there is agency, and I have considerably more agency now than I did then. More money, more people whose love I’m confident enough of so that if I need their help, I will be able to bring myself to ask. (It is very difficult for me to ask for help from anyone.)
At some point in the next week, I need to sit down and map out moving options in relation to the various networks. I’ve been putting that off, not from any innate indolence (though Lordy knows, I got that in spades), but because I have three Remunerative Projects with time stamps on them, and I gotta keep the revenue stream flowing. Moving is gonna increase my basic living expenses.
For the past 10 years or so, I’ve given away about 20% of my monthly income. Donations to worthy organizations. I pick three at the end of each month—my favorites are Médecins Sans Frontières (Doctors Without Borders), the Hudson Valley Food Bank, and sundry animal rescue organizations—and I donate to a lot of GoFundMe’s. A way of saying Thank you, Universe, for helping me survive.
I’m gonna have to stop doing that.
And I won’t be able to adopt new kitties. I’ve had my eye on a bonded pair of adult cats for a month now. But it would be feckless to take on the responsibility of caring for animals with this much uncertainty in my own situation.
###
I’m also gonna step back from the Linda situation.
Continue being helpful in the housemate sense, but no—I’m not gonna participate in any “intervention.” I don’t want to assume any… karmic responsibility for Linda. Such intervention would involve me too closely in a situation that is perilous for me in terms of triggering; it would be psychologically unhealthy.
And also, I don’t love Linda: If I’m being honest about it, I care about what happens to her but only to a limited degree. Mostly I care about what happens to me.
###
Bright, sunny, and cold this morning.
rebeccmeister points out that even with night temperatures considerably below freezing, the Hudson is a long way from freezing yet; surface temps are still hovering at the 50° mark.But when I looked at its waters yesterday, I wondered if the shifting colors I saw in the waters marked future ice floe patterns:
no subject
Date: 2023-11-03 02:08 pm (UTC)My mom is currently in a situation that I think she would have preferred avoiding: a friend of hers with deteriorating Parkinson's is moving in. But at the same time, my mom's in a very different situation from you, because she is the owner of the house where this is all happening. She's just highly aware that end-of-life care is a huge amount of work, because she just went through that all not too long ago with my Dad.
There was a This American Life I think called "The Super" about building superintendents, that pointed out to me that you can be as chummy as you like, but at the end of the day, a rental agreement is a business arrangement.
I do hope you are able to find a good and workable alternative living arrangement. It's always stressful to deal with the change. If the need arises we do have a spare bedroom (though cramped with stuff) and two cats to play with. Sometimes it's just helpful to know there are backup plans. For now, at least - I never quite know what we'll do next when the lease runs out, although by now this is our 6th year in this place.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-03 03:14 pm (UTC)Your mother must love her friend a lot. Parkinson's can be very difficult to deal with in its more progressive stages. For her sake, I hope her friend has caretakers other than your mother.