The Ongoing Saga of Marissa's Driving Lessons

[mallorys_camera]

Apparently, my subconscious is synched with my email.

###

I’d gone to sleep and was having a vivid and bizarre dream: I was doing party drugs with Brad Pitt, but the Meezer wanted to be fed. The party drugs came in a tin like miniature Altoids, and truth be told, the party drugs weren’t all that much fun, but Brad Pitt liked them, so I thought I should like them, too.

Then, suddenly, a whole bunch of fans converged on the ratty motel that Brad Pitt and I were using as Party Central. The motel was part of a casino complex (that once I awoke, I had the sense of having dreamed many, many times before.)

The kicker?

They were fans of me. They didn’t even recognize Brad Pitt.

These fans had balloons and trays of weird casseroles, underbaked brownies, horribly unappealing hors d'oeuvres. Geeks, freaks, and hippies: center parts, long stringy hair, pubic hair beards. They were horribly intrusive, did not recognize Brad Pitt at all, which turned him more and more sullen. I desperately wanted to placate him, was turning on the twirly charm when I awoke—

—and it was 1:30 in the morning.

###

I don’t generally check my email when I wake up, and it’s 1:30 in the morning.

It is very hard to fall back to sleep once you bathe in that subliminal blue light that streams from all electronic devices.

But I checked my email last night, and whaddiya know: Ichabod had responded to the Guatemala itinerary I’d emailed him and RTT:

MOM YOU GOT THE DEPARTURE DATE WRONG. LET ME KNOW IF YOU CAN PUSH YOUR DEPARTURE DATE BACK A DAY.

All caps and bolding! Important!!

So, I leapt onto the Expedia site, brought up my flight particulars—and whaddiya know 2.0: I had exactly 20 minutes left to cancel the misbooked site without incurring financial penalty.

Which I did, encountering ChatGBT’s retarded cousin and a real live customer service representative in a remote corner of India along the way.

Rebooked my return flight for the following day.

My subconscious really, really wanted to save me that $400.

###

What else?

Since I had ponied up all that money for plane tickets the day before, my only desire in life was to spin more straw into gold make more money, so I pounded away on the current Remunerative Project.

Around 2pm, Marissa texted: Good afternoon! Lois Lane hasn't contacted me yet.

Why is that my problem? I thought. But for whatever reason, it is because clearly, the Universe has entrusted Marissa to me.

Sigh.

Did you take the driving test? I texted back.

I’m so sorry, failed.

I’ve noticed this thing before in people I know from mainland China.

They do not have the laissez-faire attitude toward failure that Americans have.

When people from mainland China fail at anything, major or minor, they want to go off, dig a hole, and die. The fail word acts as some type of cultural trigger.

Did they tell you why you failed? I texted.

A little wider when turning at big traffic intersections. If it was just that one mistake, only ten points should be deducted, but the result made me feel very strange.

That’s because in China, failing tests is such a disgrace, I texted back. It isn’t here.

Lois Lane was supposed to have called Marissa to introduce her to the woman Lois Lane had dug up who was willing to take Marissa out in her car.

And she hadn’t.

Typical, typical Lois Lane flakiness.

It should have made me furious. But it just made me weary. I pictured Marissa sobbing as she was texting me.

I’ll figure it out for you, I texted Marissa back. One way or another, I’ll make sure you get that driver’s license.

You are a beautiful angel sent to me by God.

I snorted when I read that one. Hardly.

###

Anyway.

I called to set up a meeting with Lois Lane later that afternoon, so I could confront her.

I mean, I get that Lois Lane is so incapacitated by her various psychological demons that she is barely functional.

But honest to God. Here is this woman (Marissa) who is practically destitute, who only recently managed to wiggle out of a horribly abusive relationship with a guy who essentially imported her from mainland China to be his sex slave—

And this woman is depending on the fact that Lois Lane will make good on her promises.

I’m going to the doctor’s, Lois texted back.

Oh, I said. Are you ill?

Bloodwork. Renal impairment.

Oh.

Well, maybe that’s the reason why Lois Lane is such a flake: Renal impairment leads to the buildup of toxins whose accumulation affects the brain.

I made an appointment to see her after she got back from the hospital. Disguised it as a social get-together! Maybe I would bring her some underbaked brownies.

In the meantime, I called Neighbor Ed to brainstorm backup plans. We chattered manically away for an hour or so. Resolved: How do we get Marissa access to a car for further driving lessons?

We came up with a list!

(A) Church: Marissa belongs to one of those Chinese Christian churches in Fishkill. Maybe one of her fellow parishioners would be sufficiently risk-tolerant…

(B) Domestic violence network: I don’t even know if there is one here in the quaint, scenic, and mostly Trump-supporting Hudson Valley.

(C) Community Garden Deb: Deb who runs my community garden is married to someone who is a Big Hoo-Doo at the St. James Episcopal Church. She’s also on the payrolls of Hudson River Housing, the local anti-homelessess consortium. I could hardly imagine there was a St. James Episcopal Church parishioner who’d be willing to let Marissa drive his Mercedes! But ya never know, right?

(D) BOCES: They provide all sorts of services, educational and otherwise, for people who want to learn trades.

(E) Catholic Charities: And I’ll be there as a TaxBwana this very Tuesday!

(F) VESID (Vocational And Educational Services For Individuals With Disabilities): Marissa is not disabled herself, but she is the parent of a developmentally disabled seven-year-old son, spawn of the guy who imported her to be his sex slave. I think an argument could be made that she should be eligible for the agency’s services, and they do do driving lessons.

(G) Lois Lane.

###

Of course, Lois Lane did not answer when the time arrived for our appointment and I texted her, asking, Are you back from the doctor’s yet?

But I am nothing if not perseverant and implacable.

I will just keep hounding her today. If only to knock her off my list.

###

Photo above is from that wacky Mexican Carnival Cruise I took in 2019 under quite bizarre circumstances.

Always remember boys and girls: Unusual traveling suggestions are dancing lessons from God!!!!

Comments

[asakiyume]

Risk tolerant, I think you mean, rather than risk averse, but yeah! Good alternatives. I guess Bob himself isn't willing?

I'm surprised she doesn't have more of a friends network, though I guess being isolated by an abusive guy can prevent that. But that Chinese church--she should have some friends there? --I'm saying this based on my former tutee, the one from El Salvador, who managed to find another El Salvadorean refugee to teach her to drive. But maybe, contrariwise, my tutee was unusually gregarious.

Love that shot--when I saw it on FB, I thought you were already on holiday--but of course that can't be, not if you're doing tax bwana. I wasn't putting all the relevant information together well.

[mallorys_camera]

Risk-tolerant is what I mean, and I'm so happy to have a friend who's a great copyeditor!

I'm surprised she doesn't have more of a friends network

I know, right? I'm surprised, too. But all I can think is that Chinese culture is so superstitious and so obsessed with luck. And that maybe because Marissa is in such desperate straits, maybe she gives off unlucky vibes? And people avoid her lest her bad luck rub off on them? I dunno. And, of course, that's a stereotype.

It's been so awful this past week that I haven't taken any new photographs. As I like to post photographs, I thought I would use one from January 28 a few years back. This one was taken on a wacky cruise I went on in 2019. I like it, too. 😀

I'm not leaving for Guatemala till April.

[adoptedwriter]

That's a great last line! Awesome photo!
Bummer about Lois Lane flaking out.

[mallorys_camera]

Bummer about Lois Lane flaking out.

Yeah. I'm pissed off. I was cutting her an awful lot of slack, but I don't think I will anymore.