Mortaring Bricks

[mallorys_camera]

Saw a rather adorable little fox in the woods yesterday. Maybe a vixen with a litter of pups nearby. Mangy-looking coat and out in mid-afternoon – which at first made me think, Rabies! But she or he moved well, and when I read up on foxes, I found out that though they’re crepuscular hunters, it’s not uncommon to see them out in the afternoon. Also, they molt in April.

The fox just curled up beneath a tree like any dog in a patch of sunlight. Too far away for a photograph.

Woke up this morning to another installment of winter. Except that this is actually more snow than we got all winter.



Spent the weekend working on the novel. But in such full-on Crisis of Faith mode that I wondered why I was working on the novel. Surely, it is no fucking good at all.

The best times writing – at least from the writerly point of view – is when one gets so totally caught up in the alternative reality that one is creating that some part of one’s brain is living it.

This weekend didn’t feel like that.

This weekend felt like mortaring bricks.

Were the bricks building anything at all?

There’s no feedback loops for projects like this and seemingly, they go on for-fuckin’-evah. Plus nobody reads anymore. It’s kinda like I’ve spent my life in service to a ruined god.

###

Long conversation with Max who seems to be doing really well though “leave of absence” is not entirely off the table.

“I’ve been sad all this week,” I told him. “I finally realized, Right… My mother died this time of year. And Tom died this time of year.”

“Do people do that?” Max asked. “I mean associate people’s deaths with the particular time of year that they died?”

And I immediately realized: Right. It’s something old people do. Not young people.

Like being trapped in one’s very own special Ingmar Bergman Wild Strawberries snowglobe. Or somethin’.

So, it's official: I'm old!

More adorable pix of RTT auditioning for Entourage: The Syracuse Years:

Comments

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

Fox!

Sorry the writing is isolating you. But I do love this very much - I’ve spent my life in service to a ruined god!

Those of us who lost people when we were young associate people's deaths with time of year. Nothing to do with age, at all. Obviously, the more dead people one knows...the more association is made. With the dead.

[e-d-young.livejournal.com]

I'm about two hours south of you and we haven't had a single flake.

By the way, I came across your journal on the LJ homepage a while ago and I've really enjoyed your public posts. I've added you to my friends feed but there's no expectation you'll add me back.

[therobertpaul.livejournal.com]

I’ve spent my life in service to a ruined god. Same here! It's so perfect.

[therobertpaul.livejournal.com]

This thing you're feeling is middle-of-the-book doldrums. It's natural. The reality of the project is confronting you, the pages read differently than the perfection you had imagined in your head, and you still have a long way to go. But you'll get there. Just keep going.

Besides, think of all the fun I'll have helping you edit! You wouldn't want to deny me fun - would you?

Glad to hear Max is doing better. I'm hoping he can make it to the summer and give himself a break.

[millysdaughter.livejournal.com]

Not just old people -- I have known many young people for whom **insert holiday here** is depressing because that was when they lost their grandma/ grandpa/ best friend bob
Possible a Midwest thing, which does not apply to California...

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Insane! We are now up to six inches. In a few minutes, I'm actually gonna go outside and shovel!

no expectation you'll add me back

Oh, I'll definitely add you. I'm loving your An undocumented property of physics prevents any living creature from "having it all," and What would have been helpful Friday night was a good cry, for the body to perform its chemical wizardy..

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I'll definitely take you up on that editing offer. :-)

I may end up tossing everything I wrote yesterday anyway. It did absolutely nothing to move the actual action along. I mean, all occupations suffer from false starts and occasional wastes of productivity, so there's no need to dramatize mine!

But, of course, I do. :-)

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Really? Huh. Californians do tend to live in the perfect bubble of the NOW, so maybe you're right. :-)

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Obviously, the more dead people one knows...the more association is made

Hmmmm. Well, this is the first time I can remember anniversarizing* grief. I'm either growing more sentimental or less callow. :-)

* If there isn't such a word, there should be.

Thank you for loving that phrase. :-)

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Aw. Thanks!

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

Maybe we're talking about different experiences? Anniversarizing grief doesn't feel sentimental to me.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

What does it feel like to you? Serious question.

[millysdaughter.livejournal.com]

They see everything differently than **I** do -- I would not survive long in California.

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

Mmmmm....deeply unsettling. Existential. Gouts of sorrow and recrimination. A desire to turn back time. A desire to wallow. Gut-wrenching. Overcome by feelings of futility. Moments of not being able to breathe.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

That's interesting. I suspect our very different reactions may represent our very different upbringings.

So many deeply unsettling, gut-wrenching things happened to me while I was growing up that I never had the luxury of wallowing. The only way I survived was by not focusing on them. Nostalgia for them would have killed me.

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

Things happened to me, too, P. I had no luxury. And grief doesn't seem like nostalgia to me.

[saltdawg.livejournal.com]

Sorry I had to excise the detour on my trip north. It was a dash north on Thursday. I slept from arrival until yesterday evening, and then had to launder and pack until about an hour ago. Two bags, and I'm not even sure what I packed. I'll be in the yard until May 3, in North Charlston. And nobody knows what happens after that.
I'm pulling for you.
But you already knew that.
XO

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I'm excited for you. :-)

[therobertpaul.livejournal.com]

You better. ;)

Thankfully, you can delete your weak, all too human writing and only show people the output from your Seshat days.