Maternity and Its Discontents

[mallorys_camera]

Just to make sure I don’t wimp out and jump from the 2nd floor instead of the 9th when I make that suicide bid, Max called me early yesterday morning to inform me that law school was making him so depressed that he’d shined off classes on Monday, started seeing a therapist, and talked to the Dean about taking a leave of absence.

I spent the rest of the day crying hysterically in between ridiculous money-making endeavors and inventing sprightly dialogue for June and Henry at the Chinese restaurant.

I cannot stand it when either of my two kids is grappling with some kind of pain. I just can’t.

Of course, I could tell him why he’s depressed, but since I’m his mother, an eccentric, vaporous presence in his life at best, nothing I say really registers.

But –

(1) That meniscus tear means he’s not exercising

(2) He and Liza have decided to live apart. He says that changes nothing in their relationship, but I think that’s just the usual male obliviousness

(3) He’s smoking way too much dope

So yesterday was not a good day. Plus it was pouring.

Finally, late in the afternoon, I dragged myself out for a short run in the rain because, you know, exercise.

Exercise didn’t really make me feel any better. Maybe I should have bought a five-pound bag of peanutbutter M&Ms instead and eaten them all.

I guess all I can really do for Max is send him money and mouth platitudes. “Whatever decision you make, I support you 100%!” That kind of bullshit.

What I was hoping, though, was that by talking about the depression, he somehow had managed to coax the evil little imp to jump from his shoulder on to my shoulder, so that maybe now he feels okay.

It often works that way.

‘Cause, you know: Better that I should suffer than that he should suffer.

###


Also, my little furry guy, Rutger, is sick. Sneezing and epicanthic lid down over his left eye. I’m wondering if it’s feline herpes. He’s sleeping a lot but eating and drinking okay, and coming on to my lap to be loved and petted. I guess I’ll watch it for a couple of days, and if it persists, take him to the vet.

###


Also, Annalisa is coming back to the States to present some kind of academic paper on feminism and racism at a conference at the University of North Carolina. She has asked me to correct the English in her – ulp – 102-page academic paper. I really should charge her for that service, but being me, I am doing it for fr-e-e-e-e-e because -- Well. Just because.

Comments

[immemor.livejournal.com]

Wait, is Max in Law School now? I thought he was still only considering applying... or was that Robin? These boys have me so confused. And as far as "male obliviousness," I doubt he's oblivious and it's a matter of not wanting to talk about it. That's a lot of depressing things to hit someone at once. One or two depressing things is life... but when you get to three or four, it feels like you being attacked on all sides.

Maybe the 102 page academic paper on feminism and racism will give you some insight into June Miller... maybe. But you never know. It takes a long time to write a book and things you learn or experience along the way end up getting thrown in the soup.

Get well Rutger.

[signorinakatina.livejournal.com]

wow, I'm so sorry to hear about Max's situation. It must be difficult to know what he could do to improve it but also know that you're just not in control. I can relate to not exercising in grad school (I only managed regular exercise for the first semester and this semester, my last). But exercise really does solve sooo many problems.

I think people often underestimate the depressive powers of marijuana. Most people I know who use it all the time think it's "harmless" and "not addictive." But that's just not true. Like any mind-altering substance, one is right to be wary of daily use. It is a drug that changes the way you think and act, and when you spend a lot of time in that place, it can make you feel really different--usually worse.

[thistle-verse.livejournal.com]

Oh man, that sucks. I can only imagine it's so much worse because he's all the way on the other coast, and you can't *do* anything, really. I hope he maybe lets up on the marijuana and is able to step back for some perspective, although that's so hard to do when you're right in the middle of it.

It does sound like there's some denial going on about that relationship, too. :(

That's a lot of academic paper to get through! You're a good friend!

I hope things improve for everyone! Rutger, too.

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

Oh, P. There should be a mommas of law school students support group. This is HARD. I hope he holds on.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Yes, it can get confusing, can't it? My oldest son is actually in law school; my youngest son has a father who wants him to be in law school. Quiz at noon!

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I'm not a big dope smoker myself, and I never was, not even back in the day. Dope always makes it extremely hard for me to think -- which, I guess, is kinda the point. :-) But I like to think.

I certainly have no moral compunctions against it. I think all drugs should be legal. But people need to exercise common sense in taking them.

And the people who don't exercise common sense ought not to drive, operate heavy machinery, or buy guns.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Poor little Rutger! His eye is still a bit wonky today, but he's much chirpier.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

He'll hold on. The fact that he's so open about feeling bad is actually a good sign.

Sorry

[bb-lurks.livejournal.com]

You're going through this.

The good news, such as it is, might be that Max is responding appropriately, which isn't what the docs call "depression" Law school is depressing. On this I can speak with authority. When it's not so boring you could cry. (During Contracts, I realized that nothing would ever be able to bore me again, since I'd hit the bottom) Having to study something with zero inherent interest will certainly screw with your mood. And while Torts can be exciting (and generate great short story plots--let me tell you about Palsgraf v LIRR sometime) it also plumbs the depths of depravity and cluelessness.

On top of that, even when I was going and the class was 1/2 idealistic lefties, there was alway a large number of the folks who make everyone hate lawyers. Lawyers hate lawyers fully as much as those less-informed about our cupidity, avarice and mendaciousness.

So if you're not occasionally depressed, you're not paying attention.

Sorry about Rutger, too.

Re: Sorry

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Yeah. And he's a grownup, and life in the grownup zone has downs and ups. It's just so hard to see Max be unhappy and not be able to do something to cure it.

The little orange guy is doing better today.

[christies-world.livejournal.com]

Daniel was at his very worst in law school. Depressed, eating poorly, never exercising, ignoring me while still finding time to binge drink and watch plenty of terrible television. He made us both miserable, and I think it's pretty common. The curriculum is curiosity stifling and all the while most of these kids are racking up hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt--I don't blame them for freaking out.

Is he a 1L? If so, things should get better!

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

L1, yeah.

And I'm his mother, not his friend, so I've really gotta get a handle on the fact that my job is to make There, there soothing noises and send $$$$ and gift boxes, and not try to offer advice.