Under Pressure
Jan. 12th, 2016 09:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mallorys_cameraThat first winter in Ithaca, I’d persuaded myself my problem was LUV. He didn’t LUV me anymore. That was the problem.
That actually wasn’t the problem, of course.
The problem was that I was three months behind on my rent; I couldn’t pay my heating bill; sewage had backed up and frozen two inches deep in my backyard.
The problem was that I kept driving my car accidentally into ditches because all that fucking snow made it impossible to see where the road was. And then I’d have to dig myself out and that took fucking hours. Plus I didn’t own gloves.
The problem was that my teeth were falling apart and I didn’t have any money to go to a dentist. That I didn’t have a coat that was heavy enough to keep me from freezing when I went outside. That I couldn’t pay the bills on my storage unit in California where every possession of any value I owned in the world was being kept on the outside chance that I might someday go back to claim them. That I had food stamps but no money to buy dog food, so I bought human food for the dogs and the kid but starved myself.
The problem was that my kid was practicing petty larceny to pay for drugs.
Anyway, what kept me from killing myself during these dark times was two things. First, the only suicide method I could think of that didn’t involve pain (which I don’t like) was carbon monoxide poisoning using car fumes. But the motor that controlled the car window on the driver’s side of the Vdub was broken so I could never have gotten a good enough seal.
Second, I listened to the Freddie Mercury/David Bowie cover of Under Pressure 20 times a day. Pranced around the house dancing to it and singing it at the top of my lungs when the kid wasn’t around to complain.
And that’s what got me through those dark times. Literally.
Rest in peace, David Bowie.
###
I also listened to Tom Waits a lot during that horrible winter. Especially You’re Innocent When You Dream.
So, I’m thinking maybe I need to do a prayer circle for Tom Waits. You know. To ensure his continuing good health.
Because if Tom Waits drops dead, I really don’t think I could stand it.
That actually wasn’t the problem, of course.
The problem was that I was three months behind on my rent; I couldn’t pay my heating bill; sewage had backed up and frozen two inches deep in my backyard.
The problem was that I kept driving my car accidentally into ditches because all that fucking snow made it impossible to see where the road was. And then I’d have to dig myself out and that took fucking hours. Plus I didn’t own gloves.
The problem was that my teeth were falling apart and I didn’t have any money to go to a dentist. That I didn’t have a coat that was heavy enough to keep me from freezing when I went outside. That I couldn’t pay the bills on my storage unit in California where every possession of any value I owned in the world was being kept on the outside chance that I might someday go back to claim them. That I had food stamps but no money to buy dog food, so I bought human food for the dogs and the kid but starved myself.
The problem was that my kid was practicing petty larceny to pay for drugs.
Anyway, what kept me from killing myself during these dark times was two things. First, the only suicide method I could think of that didn’t involve pain (which I don’t like) was carbon monoxide poisoning using car fumes. But the motor that controlled the car window on the driver’s side of the Vdub was broken so I could never have gotten a good enough seal.
Second, I listened to the Freddie Mercury/David Bowie cover of Under Pressure 20 times a day. Pranced around the house dancing to it and singing it at the top of my lungs when the kid wasn’t around to complain.
And that’s what got me through those dark times. Literally.
Rest in peace, David Bowie.
###
I also listened to Tom Waits a lot during that horrible winter. Especially You’re Innocent When You Dream.
So, I’m thinking maybe I need to do a prayer circle for Tom Waits. You know. To ensure his continuing good health.
Because if Tom Waits drops dead, I really don’t think I could stand it.
