Brick Wall
Mar. 8th, 2012 07:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mallorys_camera
Mind’s still not really functioning except to say, I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to do any of this. It’s kind of like beating my head against that brick wall that George Sanders visualizes in order to keep the Village of the Damned zombie kids from reading his mind.
I think I am just plain exhausted and at the absolute end of my tether.
Did go for a bike ride yesterday since the temp was in the 60s. Only made it five miles. I am woefully out of shape. Also B drove up in the Girlfriendmobile and we explored the beavers’ great inland empire for a couple of hours, which was fun except of course I felt absolutely no sense of connection to him.
Only connect, said EM Forster. To what? To whom?
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no subject
Date: 2012-03-08 04:38 pm (UTC)Not a phrase you hear everyday!
I think I am just plain exhausted
Date: 2012-03-08 04:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-08 06:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-08 06:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-09 03:25 am (UTC)I like the art. It scares me, but it's pretty cool.
B is a gentleman caller I take it? I know it's no consolation. But I have a friend, and her sister, they say things like "today some douche is gonna GET IT!" and it warms my heart. Hostile, maybe. But to me it's more about life not serving up easily warm, kind, funny people to talk to who God willing might even be date material. I don't hate people for who they aren. I hate 'em for who they're not. I hate how home is a struggle. We got us a tribe, anyway, the art stars, you'd like 'em pal, we are all misfits.
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Date: 2012-03-09 03:47 am (UTC)Go beavers!
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Date: 2012-03-14 01:40 pm (UTC)Re: I think I am just plain exhausted
Date: 2012-03-14 01:43 pm (UTC)I'll bet. It's odd -- you are very circumspect in these pages and yet I have this really strong psychological impression of you -- possibly because you used to order hot sauce from me and those sauces formed a certain profile in my mind. :-)
I think you've been through a tremendous amount in the last 6 months, some truly life-changing events. No wonder you're tired.
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Date: 2012-03-14 01:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-14 01:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-14 01:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-14 01:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-14 02:29 pm (UTC)Only connect, said EM Forster. To what? To whom?
This got me thinking about different populations you or I might be in, and how sometimes it's like a bounty of possibilities, other times it can look like connection is impossible: the raw material isn't there. When I say populations, I mean "social milieu."
This Rush Limbaugh foolishness. This was my good friend and her sister on the subject:
Sis: "Someone needs to punch Rush Limbaugh in his fat f*****g mouth."
My friend: "There's never been a better argument for birth control than that self-righteous fat fuck."
Me: "HAHAHA!"
That's how I think! But I usually don't dare talk like that. It pisses people off. Which makes no sense to me: you mean no one else, reacts like that? thank God I've found some people.
Early on in NYC, I had so much trouble finding anyone like myself, I got real guarded. It reinforced the problem. My friend, when I am with her I never have to *think*. We just talk. It's the greatest thing in the world. Whole hours go by. No thinking!
She created her own open mike, in defiance of the poetry slam scene which isn't tolerant of much. It demands you agree with whatever point-of-view the group holds at any given time. The people who go to her show, like me, we have nothing in common except extreme individuality. We had a guy age 82, retired vaudevillian. Have had HS kids. You hear the range of human experience. She calls us the Art Stars.
Is that better? What I meant to say, is I also feel disconnected on the Cape, maybe it becomes a question of where would the non-conformists go?
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Date: 2012-03-14 02:41 pm (UTC)Hope you pull off relocating to NYC.
Re: I think I am just plain exhausted
Date: 2012-03-14 03:39 pm (UTC)I think I bottomed out in 'being exhausted' a week or so ago. I'm bouncing back..... last Sunday was 'sprints' at cycling. I have the physique for power in short bursts (I'm not a light hill climber..... 15 seconds or so in maximum gear is my forte). Paradoxically, a couple of hours of sprint.....recover....sprint....recover....sprint....recover.. somehow blew out the exhaustion.
Re: I think I am just plain exhausted
Date: 2012-03-14 03:41 pm (UTC)Did I ever tell you the last time I was in Belize I took a taxi ride out to marie sharp's factory (its 1,000 sq ft and employs a handful of people). I got to meet her, shake her hand and tell her she was a goddess among humans. She looked very confused, and perhaps even a little scared.
Re: I think I am just plain exhausted
Date: 2012-03-14 11:19 pm (UTC)I suppose you can tell a lot about someone based on what they eat (or are prepared to eat).
I know that i've taken interviewees out for dinner and based on that experience changed my perception of them totally.... I also think how someone drives is a real window to their true character!
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Date: 2012-03-14 11:20 pm (UTC)hehehe......