Tom Mandel In Pop Cuture Disguise

[mallorys_camera]

The President’s Day Weekend was always a big moneymaker for the Little Store, an interruption in the retail slough that was otherwise winter in Monterey. It’s also coincidently the anniversary of the day in 1996 we made the decision to move to Monterey – in retrospect, a spectacularly bad decision. We moved because I thought it would be a better environment for the kids to grow up in. I think I was right about that. What I didn’t calculate into the equation was what an awful environment it would be for me personally.

So anyway, last night I dreamed I was back in Monterey on President’s Day Weekend. Of course, it didn’t look like any Monterey I knew – more like the Fez medina with narrow alleys and gypsy balconies. The TV character House was there and he’d fallen passionately in love with me and was going to leave his wife to be with me –

Here I should comment that I’ve never been able to watch House although the few times I saw it, I liked it. That’s because the character of Greg House is not only the spitting image of Tom Mandel but also behaves exactly like Tom Mandel. Tom died in 1995. We were best friends. His death was a huge loss.

Anyway, House had to go off and attend to some details before we could be together. I waited in Monterey for his return. And gradually it began to occur to me that he was not coming back, that he had abandoned me here, had picked me up by one wing like an interesting looking insect and then had put me down again to crawl away on my own.

I woke up with a feeling of immense sadness and loss…

In other news, I have been writing a lot just not here. Finished Andres Dubus III’s brilliant memoir Townie. The story of how he saves himself from a life of drugs and petty crime through violence, becomes a violence junkie and then gradually has to quit that is both remarkable and amazingly well written:

Every ninety seconds or so a hot knife seemed to push through my heart, and I had to stand and hold my breath as it passed, my shoulders rounded, my chest sunken, this feeling I’d been yanked through all the decades of my life and now I was old and dying and it was my fault.

I have this feeling often, often, often but have never been able to find the words to describe it.

Comments

off-topic, on-mitford

[bel-ebat.livejournal.com]

have you paid any attention to daphne guinness, grand-daughter of diana?

she was married to spyros niarchos for 12 years and appeared a normal-ish socialite for a while, but in the last five or so years she's been gaining more and more attention for her dramatic appearance and statements. she's also the public mistress of bernard-henri levy (much to his wife's somewhat public anguish). not too long ago she was threatening suicide on her twitter account, and ever since then she has been meeting with random people who follow her on twitter in her manhattan apartment—inviting them up for tea. the last part i think is very mitford, though i think the only one who ever threatened suicide (as an adult) over a love affair was nancy. and it would have been very un-nancy to invite total strangers and non-u's from the internet into her apartment.

Re: off-topic, on-mitford

[flaxendandelion.livejournal.com]

Wow!

[flaxendandelion.livejournal.com]

Why do you think it was a mistake to move to Monterey?

Re: off-topic, on-mitford

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

No, I'm not up on Daphne but now that you've put her on my radar, I'll read up! I could see Decca inviting strangers she'd met over the Internet to tea at her house, but certainly not Diana or her descendents.

only one who ever threatened suicide (as an adult) over a love affair was nancy

Well, that depends upon whether you believe Unity's feelings for Hitler were an intellectual infatuation or fueled by romantic desire. I think a little of both. But you will recall, she shot herself through the head. I'd call that a suicide attempt.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

In the 10 years I lived there, I made exactly one friend -- who eventually dropped me for no reason I could ever figure out although her husband told me not to take it personally, she had dropped everybody over her grief at her mother's death.

I had a really strong support system in the SF Bay Area. Monterey was the start of my life as a hermit. It's continued here in NY and I must say, it's weird and sad. But I dunno -- maybe inevitable since people my age (I'm almost 60) don't seem to form friendships as readily as people your age.

Re: off-topic, on-mitford

[bel-ebat.livejournal.com]

i agree about decca. i think debo would do it too, if she were not opposed to technology—but i know she has done it freely from people she meets in other ways, including letters. also, their mother was doing it when she lived on the island. anyone who came anywhere near it was immediately invited across the way for tea, and diana (in particular) was sometimes kind of stressed out by the people she'd come across at her mother's table.

it is true about unity. it was a little bit of both, and it was definitely a suicide attempt. but i always think of her feelings being more about political fervor and whatever romance can be found in that, than a relationship-relationship. in my mind, the two are very separate.

[flaxendandelion.livejournal.com]

Monterey wasn't the place for me to make friends either, likely because I always knew I'd leave, and it was hard to find people who listened to the same music and liked the same things as me.

I also dropped all my friends at one point. Are there any local book clubs? Is there a sport that interests you? I think those are some ways you could meet people as it's what people my age do as well; apparently most people have their social circles set in their 30s, but my quasi-itinerant lifestyle combined with my social anxiety means I don't form friendships as easily either.

Re: off-topic, on-mitford

[bel-ebat.livejournal.com]

can i use your mallorys_camera@livejournal.com email or would you prefer another?

Re: off-topic, on-mitford

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

My email is patriziadilucchioATgmailDOTcom :-)