The Real Housewives of Orange County
Dec. 12th, 2007 11:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mallorys_cameraBen maintains that the real reason Al Qaeda has it in for America is because Bravo TV produces a show called The Real Housewives of Orange County.
I confess that I watch this show regularly with a fascination I otherwise reserve for Amityville Horror sequels and vintage episodes of The Outer Limits.
Why?
Well, The Real Housewives is an opportunity to display schadenfreud, you know that German word that nobody but Heidi Klum and Hitler's ghost know how to pronounce that gives you permission to rejoice when bad things happen to people you're only pretending to like.
Or maybe not even pretending.
The show is a mockumentary following the lives of five women who live in the real life equivalent of Nancy Botwin's dear and now departed Agrestic. There's Jeana, a chunky X-Playmate; there's Vicki who sells insurance and looks like what Miss Piggy would like if Miss Piggy bleached her hair, got Botox injections three times a week and sustained herself on a diet of Adderal and Slippery Nipples. There's Lauri whose millionaire land developer fiancé must have Serious Issues because Lauri looks exactly like a pre-op tranny. There are two (count 'em!) 2 Tammys – one's a rather severe looking brunette (altogether now in the tone you'd use for "Salsa from New York City" – brunette?); the other's the New Bimbo On the Block, a perky 40 year old with her own Major Issues – what's the opposite of Oedipal complex?
Then there are the accessories. Mercedes, Porsches, BMW's! Vast, soulless McMansions! Diamond engagement rings! Diamond knuckle rings! Diamond earrings! Austin Scarlet! Wheeled from the super-secret Bravo TV underground vault where he's been kept in cryogenic freeze lo these many years since the end of Project Runway, Season 1, defrosted, forced to cater to Lauri's Disney Princess Bride delusions. His eyes are still crossed and there was a look of real panic in them.
Then there are the clothes. I will confess that at the age of 55, I don't have a clue how women my age are supposed to dress and so embarrass my children by wearing the Same Basic Outfit – I call it My Universal Suit – day in, day out. These women don't have that problem. They have a lot of clothes. A lot of ugly clothes. A lot of shiny neon sports wear, tube tops and tight white pants.
Finally there's the boobage.
Now. There is a very easy way to tell if boobs are real or fake.
Well, two easy ways – if you're close enough to touch, just grab one. Silicone implants aren't squishy the way real boobs are, particularly if they've been implanted under the pecs. Saline implants feel just like your favorite pool raft when you squeeze it hard enough to give it an aneurism.
If you're not close enough to grab, then you have to do it by sight. Boob jobs often lead to a peculiar type of fibrotic scarring between the breasts. This is because successful though the ruse may be with 45-year-old Cialis junkies, you cannot convince your own body that those 44 double D's actually belong to you! Your body wants to reject them.
If a woman en cleavage has a big space between the upper portions of her poitrine, then chances are she's had work.
Every woman over twenty-five on The Real Housewives of Orange County has fake boobs, and at least two of the twenty-somethings do too.
Ya gotta wonder about the libidos of the men who are attracted to these women – I mean, presumably there are men who are attracted to these women, right? Maybe that's why stuff like Viagra is all the pharmaceutical rage.
"It's anthropology," I tell Ben. "These women are every bit as exotic and interesting as a National Geographic special!"
"Just keep telling yourself that," he says as he leaves the room
I confess that I watch this show regularly with a fascination I otherwise reserve for Amityville Horror sequels and vintage episodes of The Outer Limits.
Why?
Well, The Real Housewives is an opportunity to display schadenfreud, you know that German word that nobody but Heidi Klum and Hitler's ghost know how to pronounce that gives you permission to rejoice when bad things happen to people you're only pretending to like.
Or maybe not even pretending.
The show is a mockumentary following the lives of five women who live in the real life equivalent of Nancy Botwin's dear and now departed Agrestic. There's Jeana, a chunky X-Playmate; there's Vicki who sells insurance and looks like what Miss Piggy would like if Miss Piggy bleached her hair, got Botox injections three times a week and sustained herself on a diet of Adderal and Slippery Nipples. There's Lauri whose millionaire land developer fiancé must have Serious Issues because Lauri looks exactly like a pre-op tranny. There are two (count 'em!) 2 Tammys – one's a rather severe looking brunette (altogether now in the tone you'd use for "Salsa from New York City" – brunette?); the other's the New Bimbo On the Block, a perky 40 year old with her own Major Issues – what's the opposite of Oedipal complex?
Then there are the accessories. Mercedes, Porsches, BMW's! Vast, soulless McMansions! Diamond engagement rings! Diamond knuckle rings! Diamond earrings! Austin Scarlet! Wheeled from the super-secret Bravo TV underground vault where he's been kept in cryogenic freeze lo these many years since the end of Project Runway, Season 1, defrosted, forced to cater to Lauri's Disney Princess Bride delusions. His eyes are still crossed and there was a look of real panic in them.
Then there are the clothes. I will confess that at the age of 55, I don't have a clue how women my age are supposed to dress and so embarrass my children by wearing the Same Basic Outfit – I call it My Universal Suit – day in, day out. These women don't have that problem. They have a lot of clothes. A lot of ugly clothes. A lot of shiny neon sports wear, tube tops and tight white pants.
Finally there's the boobage.
Now. There is a very easy way to tell if boobs are real or fake.
Well, two easy ways – if you're close enough to touch, just grab one. Silicone implants aren't squishy the way real boobs are, particularly if they've been implanted under the pecs. Saline implants feel just like your favorite pool raft when you squeeze it hard enough to give it an aneurism.
If you're not close enough to grab, then you have to do it by sight. Boob jobs often lead to a peculiar type of fibrotic scarring between the breasts. This is because successful though the ruse may be with 45-year-old Cialis junkies, you cannot convince your own body that those 44 double D's actually belong to you! Your body wants to reject them.
If a woman en cleavage has a big space between the upper portions of her poitrine, then chances are she's had work.
Every woman over twenty-five on The Real Housewives of Orange County has fake boobs, and at least two of the twenty-somethings do too.
Ya gotta wonder about the libidos of the men who are attracted to these women – I mean, presumably there are men who are attracted to these women, right? Maybe that's why stuff like Viagra is all the pharmaceutical rage.
"It's anthropology," I tell Ben. "These women are every bit as exotic and interesting as a National Geographic special!"
"Just keep telling yourself that," he says as he leaves the room
