Out of Body Experiences
Dec. 11th, 2007 10:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mallorys_cameraIn the dream Chris didn't look like Chris but he was Chris, and he was in love with me. Madly, passionately, obsessively – your over-the-top adverb applies here. He wanted to leave his gorgeous wife and their two-year-old son.
I was not in love with Chris but what doddering middle-aged lady would not be flattered by the attentions of an ardent young poet practical enough to get an engineering degree? Certainly not moi.
We were walking in a park. I think that same arboretum where my mother told me she had cancer. And I was trying to explain to Chris the impossibility of the situation. "You can't step outside of time," I told him.
"Why not?" he asked.
"It's impossible," I said. "You can't."
"Look," he said. And even while I looked at him, he began to grow old.
"Stop it!" I said. "Why would you want to do that to yourself?"
He was my age now. Round little hard apple of a belly, saggy chin, receding hairline. He was old.
But I still didn't love him.
Woke up thinking of Chris's beautiful wife and two year old son, feeling as though I'd done them a horrible, horrible wrong even though I knew this was real life and he didn't love me.
###
Cannery Row has been morgue-like for the past few days. Fortunately the Little Store has been doing loads of Internet sales – my redesign really seems to have worked in terms of getting the site picked up by the various search engines' crawling spiders. Yesterday we had one for $300 from Japan! Day before, $250 from the Sultanate of Oman! (I had to look that one up on the map.) But even the weekends have been slow in terms of sales done in the store, and after August, it's the weekends that pull retail businesses in tourist areas through.
I worry about Elizabeth who hasn't blogged in many weeks. I fear she's had a relapse of her cancer. I worry about another friend I haven't heard from in a while whose wife has cancer. I fear the worst there too. I don't worry about myself, and that itself is worrisome. I have this great global fatalism – what will be will be – sort of as though I'm looking at myself from somewhere very high, an out-of-body experience.
"This is a great store," the UPS guy told me yesterday. "My favorite down here."
"Well, thanks," I said. "I think so too. Monterey is probably the wrong place for it. Too stuffy."
"I was gonna say… But I'm glad you said first."
We both laughed.
I have a second interview Friday for a job that would position me to move back to the Bay Area at some point. More and more I'm thinking that's the long-term plan. Next summer would be a good time to sell this business.
I can always start another business elsewhere.
Or not.
I was not in love with Chris but what doddering middle-aged lady would not be flattered by the attentions of an ardent young poet practical enough to get an engineering degree? Certainly not moi.
We were walking in a park. I think that same arboretum where my mother told me she had cancer. And I was trying to explain to Chris the impossibility of the situation. "You can't step outside of time," I told him.
"Why not?" he asked.
"It's impossible," I said. "You can't."
"Look," he said. And even while I looked at him, he began to grow old.
"Stop it!" I said. "Why would you want to do that to yourself?"
He was my age now. Round little hard apple of a belly, saggy chin, receding hairline. He was old.
But I still didn't love him.
Woke up thinking of Chris's beautiful wife and two year old son, feeling as though I'd done them a horrible, horrible wrong even though I knew this was real life and he didn't love me.
Cannery Row has been morgue-like for the past few days. Fortunately the Little Store has been doing loads of Internet sales – my redesign really seems to have worked in terms of getting the site picked up by the various search engines' crawling spiders. Yesterday we had one for $300 from Japan! Day before, $250 from the Sultanate of Oman! (I had to look that one up on the map.) But even the weekends have been slow in terms of sales done in the store, and after August, it's the weekends that pull retail businesses in tourist areas through.
I worry about Elizabeth who hasn't blogged in many weeks. I fear she's had a relapse of her cancer. I worry about another friend I haven't heard from in a while whose wife has cancer. I fear the worst there too. I don't worry about myself, and that itself is worrisome. I have this great global fatalism – what will be will be – sort of as though I'm looking at myself from somewhere very high, an out-of-body experience.
"This is a great store," the UPS guy told me yesterday. "My favorite down here."
"Well, thanks," I said. "I think so too. Monterey is probably the wrong place for it. Too stuffy."
"I was gonna say… But I'm glad you said first."
We both laughed.
I have a second interview Friday for a job that would position me to move back to the Bay Area at some point. More and more I'm thinking that's the long-term plan. Next summer would be a good time to sell this business.
I can always start another business elsewhere.
Or not.
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no subject
Date: 2007-12-11 10:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-11 11:26 pm (UTC)I'd love it if you moved back up to the Bay Area. Would Robin and Ben stay in Monterey, or would you bring Robin (and/or Ben) up with you?
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 03:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 04:24 am (UTC)Twice recently, when discussing my lack of career direction with friends, I have brought up my mysterious blog-friend with the illustrious past who now runs a hot sauce shop in Monterey. I know you write to entertain most times, but the hot sauce hawking biz often sounds so much better than any of my other options.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 04:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 04:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 04:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 04:40 pm (UTC)re: oakland, rockridge would work i would think.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 04:44 pm (UTC)It starts when you audition for Season 5 of Project Runway! (Come on Erin -- you know you want to!)
Then I move to Red Hook, sleep in your bath tub and start an extensive 10 week prep to prepare you for challenges! We tour the garden departments of Home Depot, Osh and Sam's Club to find turf strong enough to stand up to the demands of the Austin Scarlet Environmentally Friendly Wedding Gown Challenge! We bone up on obscure Japanese anime for the Design A Super Hero Costume Challenge! We tour homeless shelters and the Bellvue lockdown unit for the exciting Dress An Olsen Twin Challenge!
In the end, of course, you don't win -- because no one who's ever won has gone on to make anything of themselves. No, you come in second, Bravo TV syndicates yr LJ for its blog page, you have a source of income that lets you travel & muse in perpetuo, and you live a long, happy, fulfilled life!
Sound good?
no subject
Date: 2007-12-14 11:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-15 12:29 am (UTC)