Borderline Personality Vortex

I’m feeling a thousand percent better today, but all day yesterday, I was in the ghastliest mood you can possibly imagine.

I have no idea what caused it.

I mean, you might think the bad mood had something to do with the impending anniversary of B’s death, except today is actually the anniversary of B’s death, and I feel fine.

Did it have to do with that (perpetually) nagging feeling that I have squandered all my potential? That I should have more to show for my life than I have? But everyone squanders at least 90% of their potential, no? Unless they’re Henry Kissinger and their “potential” was basically a rap sheet that, in a just world, would have gotten them prosecuted as a war criminal. Anyone who actualizes their “potential” is just really good at self-promotion.

Was I lonely? That came closest to the mark. Though if loneliness was the problem, then feeling (and being tempted to act) hateful is certainly the wrong solution to the problem.

No, as best as I can determine from the relative cheeriness of this morning, I was somehow caught in a mysterious borderline personality vortex. Like I was channeling my mother.

I felt this huge pressure all day long to do something negative and destructive. I wanted to alienate people. I wanted to break things. I wanted to scream.

I didn’t.

But it was a strain.

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Anyway, I have a number of pleasant events coming up in the weekend ahead, which means I must buckle down and do lots and lots of Remunerative work today.

It’s been rainy and grey all week long, but the weather divinators assure us that’s gonna change.