Why We'll Never Get Our Own TLC Special

[mallorys_camera]

When Ben gets back from dropping the Number 2 son off at school, he tells me, “Robin is very concerned about Chastity Bono.”

“And why is that, pray tell?”

“Well. He’s worried. If Chastity goes ahead with that sex change operation, it’ll break Cher’s heart.”

“Hey! Reassure him. Tell him he’s seriously underestimating Cher. Tell him Cher is down with gender reassignment. Tell him Cher seriously considered lopping off Greg Allman’s nuts once.”

“Oh, I think it’ll mean more coming from Mommy,” says Ben.

“Who he should be worried about is Owen Wilson,” I say. “I mean, if Owen Wilson doesn’t think life is worth living, there’s really no hope for the rest of us.”

In other news, the Little Store has had the most fabulous month – will confiding that to paper jinx the last few days? God I hope not – and I seem to be catching a cold. Collapsed around 9pm last night. Woke up around 1am in a fever sweat and was forced to watch a TV show about this family with sixteen kids in order to fall back to sleep again. Except it didn’t work – as a bromide, I mean – since the family was so fascinating in its twisted way.

“If I can’t remember a name, I just ask: who are you?” says congenial “Spud” Heppner, the resident sperm donor.

The show incidentally is on TLC. TLC stands for “The Learning Channel.” What exactly is one supposed to learn from a show about a family with sixteen children? I wonder as I stagger to the bathroom for the last ditch insomnia remedy, Tylenol PM. That birth control is a good thing? That the mud people will never succeed in their evil agenda to drive the white race into the bowels of the earth so long as there are noble breeders in Minnesota willing to sacrifice their cervixes?

My last thought as I drifted off to sleep: how can those people live with themselves? Don’t they know about that family in Arkansas with seventeen kids?

So this morning I wake up and immediately hunt down the Heppners’ website. And guess what! They’re in the process of adopting a seventeenth child!

“I knew they wouldn’t let those nasty Duggars one-up them,” I told Ben. “It’s a Minnesota pride thing.”

“Oh, come on. Adoption doesn’t count! I mean, come on. If it did, the Learning Channel would be doing specials on Mia Farrow.”

“Adoption does too count!” I say indignantly. “And anyway the Duggars cheated! They had three sets of twins! That means only thirteen pregnancies.”

“Fourteen. And that’s not cheating! She had the damn babies, didn’t she?”

“Is too cheating!”

“Is not cheating.”

“Is too cheating!”

Eventually we agreed to disagree.

Comments

[pageeater.livejournal.com]

Maybe not TLC, but I think you are worthy of a major network sit-com. :-P You could it The Little Store - and it would most definitely include the episode listed above.

[misslam2u.livejournal.com]

Girl, I have been thinking so many bad things about these peeps with the double digit children.....

Several words come immediately to mind: disgusting, selfish, ego-centric. I mean, nothing nice. At all.

And regarding TLC, the LEARRRRRNING channel, let me just say that if you are interested in maxi-hella-breeding, tattoos and those little quasi-documentaries about pregnant women and babies (in the AM, only) then there's perhaps, something to be learned. Otherwise, forgetaboutit.

[dinahprincedaly.livejournal.com]

oh my... this is good reading. we just heard about Owen on the way to soccer practice this morning... would you say he's the quasi-metrosexual version of this generation's John Belushi? oh, those sensitive souls

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Ha! Yeah, I think my adventures with the Little Store are at least as interesting as that awful Bravo Flipping Out show. Though the Big Buck$ lure is not there. Yet.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Well, that woman who had all those babies is just so odd. And telling people that she was using birth control but "God just wanted me to have babies" when signing the sperm donor up for a vasectomy would have been as easy as picking up a telephone.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

The National Enquirer -- which I always believe when it comes to celebrity smut because they pay their sources the Big Buck$ -- sez Owen's heart was broken in two by Kate Hudson.

Sigh.

He has it all and he wants Kate Hudson.

I've been very much enjoying your Ireland travelogues, by the way.

[misslam2u.livejournal.com]

I think that's jive, telling peeps that you were using birth control and then having umpteen babies. It makes the teller sound either dishonest or stupid.

Or that unholy cross-breed of both.