PTSD

[mallorys_camera]

A classic symptom of PTSD is a feeling of looming catastrophe.

It's clear I have PTSD about the invoicing process—which I can only surmise comes from living with Ben, who was always lying about money, in particular after he'd been laid off by Sports Illustrated and kept assuring me for eight long months: Well, they promised the check was in the mail! They promised the check would arrive here by Fed Ex at precisely 3:15 this afternoon! Etc, etc.

Specifics in lying are always a sign that the liar is getting too full of themself. Really talented liars keep it very general and try to overlap with the truth as much as possible. Ben, in other words, was not a very talented liar. I believed him because I wanted to believe him—(a) because the little household I was running was a house of cards where every penny had its use, and (b) because I loved him.

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I don't know what one does about PTSD. My client, in fact, processed the invoice in four quick days, which I absolutely knew they would. It will be hitting my bank account this afternoon.

It would help if my savings were a bigger buffer, I suppose, so that's what I'm going to concentrate on over the next few months.

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Anyway...

The anxiety was intense.

And because I need to keep my head clear for tax law, I eshewed gummies. And I am also eschewing alcohol because I'm on the All lentils, oatmeal, & salmon, all of the time! diet.

All I could do was try to distract myself.

It was raining very hard, so no tromping about outside.

So instead, I watched the entire Godfather saga. Godfather 3 is so fuckin' awful, it's hard to believe all three were created by the same director, since the first two films are absolute masterpieces.

And I Photoshopped a bunch of photos to make them look like Thomas Kinkade paintings (see above). I will confess to having a certain sneaking affection for Thomas Kinkade paintings. Yes, they are the most awful kitsch imaginable. But I like kitsch.

Then I wrote another 1,000 or so words on the Work in Progress, describing how Grazia becomes an ER nurse and the appearance of Patient Zero in the ER where she works at the start of the COVID pandemic.

I am not very confident about the status details. I haven't actually worked in an ER for more than 30 years. So, assuming I am actually able to finish the damn thing, I will have to run those status details past someone with more recent ER experience.

It is still very gloomy & dark, but since it's not raining, I will try to tromp today. And also do tax law & work on the Shawangunk Dem and RTT birthday websites.

Comments

[suzannareads]

❤️

[asakiyume]

I like the Portrait of the Artist as a Silhouette in your photo.

For me, distraction is the only cure for crushing anxiety, but when I'm experiencing it, my instinct is to dwell on it and pick at it and scenario plan around it and so on. It takes a real force of effort to go distract myself. But it does work when I can do it.

Have a good tromp.

[mallorys_camera]

Yes, I like the portrait of the artist in that one myself. 😀