Every Cynic Is Secretly Searching for a Martyrdom That’s Worthy of Them.

2023-10-17T15:04:15Z

After 9/11, two people I liked very much got… radicalized. (Can you use the word “radicalize” to describe the adaptation of extreme right-wing views?)

One was Loca, an X-BF, very, very, very funny, who became a Friend of the Family, and would often come to visit us in Monterey, spend Thanksgivings and other holidays.

The other was—I guess I can use his real name now ‘cause he’s dead—Gerard Vanderleun, brilliant, caustic, saturnine. Kinda the George Sanders character in All About Eve.

Both metamorphosed into right-wing zealots. Gerard actually became a born-again Christian, thereby proving the truth of an axiom I once made up: Every cynic is secretly searching for a martyrdom that’s worthy of them.

###

Loca and Gerard had both been close pals of Tom Mandel, who was my best friend in the early 90s and a William Buckley-style conservative himself but one who could articulate his ideology, enjoyed debating it, and didn’t make sharing it a requirement for friendship.

Tom had grown up as a surfer boy in Hawaii, gone to Vietnam as an enlisted officer, came back, went to university, and made up a major for himself: Futurism. He was employed by the Stanford Research Institute doing what I guess you’d call future-casts. I was fascinated by his methodology, which involved anticipating trends and watching their splashes ripple out to the edges of the lake. Oddly enough, sometimes, the smallest splashes make the biggest ripples. Psychohistory! It’s a good chunk of how I make my living today.

I miss Tom. He died of lung cancer in 1994.

I often wonder what Tom would make of the world today.

###

I was just one of the many friends Loca and Gerard dropped after 9/11. (Writing that makes it sound as though they acted in concert. They didn’t. In fact, Loca and Gerard didn’t like each other very much.)

Because we were too leftist. We weren’t supportive of—let’s call it what it was—the War on Arabs.

This hurt my feelings not only because I liked them but also because it was unjust: I would never describe myself as a leftist; I’m a big, big fan of capitalism.

Thing is Gerard and Loca could never explain why they were reacting the way they were reacting. It was a purely emotional reaction.

I didn’t understand it at all at the time.

I understand it now.

Because I can feel the same thing happening to me.

I know better than to let it happen to me, of course. But that degree of factionalism, blinding hatred, blood lust, has a deep appeal. The appeal is violence and collectivism.

About my predilection for violence, I will only say that martial arts were a very good outlet for me, and I would have made a good soldier. Textbook Aries sun sign, I guess. Give me something to stomp and conquer!

The collectivism thing is deeper and weirder. But having something else make my decisions—some directive deeper and more powerful than my own will—is very seductive.

I’m smart enough to realize that neither of these impulses is either ethically sound or mentally healthy.

But anyhoo, if I can’t figure out a way to disengage from social media, I’m gonna delete my social media accounts.

And I’m just not gonna read news anymore.

###

Yesterday, I tore down the pollinator garden and got as far as thinning the strawberries in the vegetable garden. (Strawberries are perennials, so technically, they don’t need to be thinned. But why not be thorough?)

Today, I will tear down the rest of the vegetable garden.

Tomorrow, I’ll dig both plots up and add compost.

And next week, I’ll add fresh top soil and cover the plots with straw.

Yesterday, I also tromped. Trees on the Hudson’s west banks are about 10 days away from peak fall color:

I also worked most assiduously on a new current Remuneration Project. It seems unlikely I will finish it by Thursday when I toddle up to Ithaca. But I’ll give it the old college try.

comments

Mallory's Camera

Every Cynic Is Secretly Searching for a Martyrdom That’s Worthy of Them.